Cavalcade of Perversions

2012-02-18T00:52:00.002-05:00

Hello, perverts! How the fuck are you? Me, I'm wonderful. Just got back from Chicago after seeing Motorhead and Megadeth and my wonderful girlfriends from grad school. It was epic and cold and drunken and amazing and I wish I never had to come back. Except that the snow is not for me. Can't stand it. I like it cold, but not that cold. I just don't look as cute under twenty million layers of clothes.

I've been watching and reading all kinds of crap and non-crap. It has all been making me pretty happy. I read Adam Blomquist's novel, TRIBESMEN, and loved that shit exponentially. If you love Umberto Lenzi's cannibal movies, you will love the hell out of this. Murder and mayhem and cannibalism and hot chicks (use your imagination, as it is a novel), and blood and all sorts of horror in-stuff, you'll fucking love it.

Bizzaro fiction is the shit and I've recently read Andersen Prunty's HI, I'M A SOCIAL DISEASE, which aside from having an amazing cover, is a great fucking collection. I'm also mid-way through D. Harlan Wilson's THEY HAD GOAT HEADS, which is freaking me out because it's so on point and in tune with everything that I deem awesome, so word.

Movie-wise, just as good, non-good. TUCKER AND DALE VS. EVIL was charming, my second viewing of FRANKENFISH was everything I hoped for, and I'm patiently awaiting the arrival of HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2.

I changed all the cats' names to Todd and I need more wine. I love you all, you perverted fuckers. Look for my reviews of some Jean Rollin and some stupid SyFy stuff coming up in the next couple of days.

Contest!

2012-02-03T02:16:00.002-05:00

I will give you two amazing shirts from T-Shirt Bordello if you can tell me at least TEN books you read in 2011. I want you fuckers to read more and if you don't believe me, I have suggestions! I will send you books! Don't have kindle? Download that shit on your phone. I read over 212 books last year and this is by no where near a record or anything and I'm not bragging. I read two books today. So tell me what you've been reading. Win horror t-shirts. At my complete discretion. Go here....http://eraserheadpress.com/ you like weird shit. Or hit me up. I have copies. Yee!

Bat Boy Lives!

2012-01-17T18:27:00.003-05:00

In tattoo form. On my foot. My foot is now one hundred percent more badass that it was this morning. Although this was really, really hard to get done and I'm not feeling so hot right now. It's worth it.

Let The Fake Friend In

2012-01-15T00:55:00.002-05:00

I have joined the facebook universe. Be my friend. I talk about movies and books sometimes. Be my friend. Oh god, please be friends with me for the love of god oh god im going to put some red lipstick on and then put a pantyhose over my head if you don't be my fucking friend on book face. AHHHHHHHH

T-Shirt Bordello

2012-01-04T00:12:00.004-05:00

The very gracious Don (of the dead) over at T-Shirt Bordello sent me some shirts! What a sweetie! I think you guys will dig his stuff, lots of snarky plays on our favorite horror movies, Lovecraft, zombies, and other nerd-ery. And the shirts look fucking awesome - nice screen prints, cool color, and very professional-looking. Check me out in the HOMICIDER, their take on my favorite masked psycho.

I love how they blend slasher with drinking. Could that get any more perfect?

Secondly, here I am in their Cthulhu shirt. I love how this one could almost be the shirt for a metal band. But it's still awesome sans band logo. And this is my very first Lovecraft shirt. Excellent (rubbing hands together ala Mr. Burns)!

These will definitely make it into my regular t-shirt rotation as soon as I cut the necks out. (I do that with all my shirts. I prefer that off-the-shoulder look.)

So go check out T-Shirt Bordello right now! Tell them I sent ya! And I haven't done a contest in awhile. Hmmm....

Happy New Year, Assholes!

2012-01-01T01:03:00.003-05:00

So I went to work tonight and it was slow as HELL because we didn't do any kind of New Year's thing, which was fine by me, but also very boring. I got off early-ish and proceeded to drink up all the champagne in the bar, as well as most of the Absolut Ruby Red. We toasted that stupid shit (New Year's Eve = Amateur Night) and then scootered home to drink some wine (also pilfered from my bar) and post this crap. Happy 2012, perverts! May your whole fucking year be filled with lots of horror movies, both good and bad and bad in a good way, plenty of cats, and tattoos. Oh, I'm going to get so many tattoos in 2012. Just y'all wait. Just y'all wait. And take a cab. No DUI's, okay?

Happy Blog-Day to Me!

2011-12-29T15:10:00.003-05:00

It's been three years since the inception of the Cavalcade! Lots of booze, cats, Naschy, sleaze, horror, tattoos, and cats to come in 2012!

Gifts! Stuff!

2011-12-27T13:52:00.005-05:00

I got a Don Post Tor Johnson mask and a copy of A SERBIAN FILM for my Christmas. We took turns wearing it while eating a giant delicious pasta and then Sam had to go elsewhere during THAT scene in the movie. A good day after Christmas, if I do say so.

Merry Fishmas!

2011-12-24T16:34:00.003-05:00

Merry Fishmas, perverts. We just ordered pizza and started drinking! Take a good look, Sam, because this is the most sober I am going to be for the next forty eight hours or so. We'll be cooking, eating, baking, and drinking long into the night tonight. Hopefully Krampus won't come and take us to Spain. I'd hate to leave the cats on Christmas.

Everyone have fun!!

Beyond the Valley of the Apocalypse Donkeys

2011-12-22T23:20:00.005-05:00

I'm obsessed with Jordan Krall's BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE APOCALYPSE DONKEYS. Obsessed. I've been a fan of Krall's since I picked up his filthy, sleazy, crazy, pulpy, ode to New Jersey and film noir, SQUID PULP BLUES. I adored his Lovecraftian pornographic love letter, PIECEMEAL JUNE. And the yellow-y Spaghetti western goodness that is FISTFUL OF FEET. I wanna get a dog and name it Fauntleroy 'Little Bing Bong' LeRoux, such is my love for Jordan Krall's work. But before I start drinking his bath water, let me try to put into words why I love these fucking books so much.

BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE APOCALYPSE DONKEYS is...well, maybe I should talk about what it contains, rather than what it is, specifically. It's got a nudist colony, a giant green hummingbird, a much sought after rare VHS of a strange film, incomplete childhood memories, murder, voyeurism, plenty of violence, a naked donkey-masked woman (and later, women, plural), a washed-up old daredevil, the corruption of marriage, sex, and pancakes, plenty of pancakes, plain and blueberry.

All these things are great alone (come on, pancakes and sex and rare films!?) - put them together in Krall's slummy New Jersey universe and you have fucking gold, my friends. And if you have a thing for boobs, which I know you do, you get plenty of boobs here, too. Bonus.

But it's not all fetishes and weird shit. Although really it is, and then some. There's some real homage going on here and if you possess the same sensibilities, it's easy to see where and what Krall is channeling. But he does it in a way that is solely his own, creating what is not merely homage, but an amalgamation of all the things I love into something completely new and even more bizarre. There's a variety of influences/references - David Lynch, Russ Meyer, Tim Lucas' THROAT SPROCKETS, Tarantino, Hitchcock, melodrama, film noir, John Waters, giallo, old school VHS culture, and SMALL fuckin' WONDER. And to think there's time for donkeys! Or at least, donkey-masked women! If that could be considered an 'at least.'

I haven't given you much to go on really, which I'm okay with. Because I'm half-way through my second reading and I'm still actually trying to still make sense of it all. could say it's part mystery or part love story, but isn't everything? I've ordered the t-shirt and I'm going to wear it while I try to figure out what it is that needs figuring out, or if I don't, that's okay too because I like the getting there. Although I hear Jordan is renouncing this whole noir crime horror writing thing and focusing on foot fetish erotica. I'd still read it and probably not hate it. I'd probably really like it a lot. And it probably wouldn't be too different from his other work. Less squid maybe?

Buy this fucking book now! You need to read more books, anyway.

New Tattoos!

2011-12-14T20:27:00.003-05:00

Sam and I got our first matching tattoos (with each other) tonight! Now that's how to celebrate the fucking holiday season, yo!

It's an alien! It's a breach birth!

2011-12-04T20:27:00.003-05:00

RIP Paul Naschy/Vengeance of the Zombies

2011-11-30T09:27:00.007-05:00

It's been two years to the day since Paul's passing and I'll be cliche and say there isn't really a day that goes by where I don't think of him. He's all over my walls, on my t-shirts, tattooed on my forearm, in my copious DVD and VHS collection, and basically just in my heart all around.

So in honor of the great cinematic force to be reckoned with, the Mighty Molina, I sat down with Leon Klimovsky's (!) VENGEANCE OF THE ZOMBIES (1972) for the fourteenth or so time in order to present my thoughts for you here.

The film opens true horror fashion in a cemetery at night, with the two caretakers, husband and wife August and Flora, arguing over how to procure their living. Seems to be these two are grave-robbers and August wants out of the life but Flora wants one last haul; a wealthy young socialite was just murdered and entombed in their charge and it's rumored she's covered in jewels. August relents and the two enter the crypt.

They don't have to work too hard, as the lid pops right off the coffin and Flora snatches an impressive necklace. The dead girl's ring doesn't come off so easily, but as Flora is about to hack on the finger to gain access, a strange masked man locks the couple in the mausoleum. Outside, this strange figure pours red paint on a wax effigy and lights it aflame. Gloria Irving, the lovely young pilfered socialite, rises from her casket to do evil bidding. She strangles August and clubs Flora over the head with a candle stick and....roll opening credits.

We're off to a fun start - voodoo, corpse girls, a double homicide, grave robbing - yes, yes, a very good start.

Cut to a very seventies London. A Hindu ritual is taking place with Krishna (who else but Paul Naschy) is officiating a service for a bunch of whiteys. He holds burning ash in his hand and takes on some pretty heavy duty acupuncture with the help of his lovely assistant Kala and converts the glorious redhead Elvira into his fold. Elvira happens to be the cousin of the recently undead Gloria and is struggling greatly with her cousin's death. She finds solace in Krishna (who wouldn't?) but her friend Lawrence, a psychologist, warns her against the charismatic swami because he's probably just trying to get into her pants. (Krishna also keeps a live leopard on his dining table. Yes, please!)

After warning Elvira of Krishna's probable intentions, Lawrence drops Elvira off to some not so sweet dreams. Those dreams become shocking reality (don't they always?) when Gloria comes to visit her cousin, along with her resurrector, the masked assailant, only to hang her dad and give grandpa (the butler?) a hatchet to the face. Elvira's left a shaky mess in her scanty pink nightgown, but not for long, as we cut to dad's funeral in the next scene.

Lawrence decides he wants Elvira to take a vay-cay, and she decides to go see Krishna at the evil country home he's recently acquired. Seems the family that lived there before was into all sorts of hoodoo and black magic and the villagers revolted and killed them all. You know, there's no kinda justice like angry mob villager justice. Elvira's non-plussed when she learns this information from a creepy train station master, and is even more so not put off in the slightest when a strange scarred up fat black man, T. Zachary, comes to take her to Krishna. Weird. But good weird.

When Elvira arrives to Casa de Evil Black Magic house, Krishna is bedecked in white, spouting cliches with an unrivaled-anywhere intensity, having tea, and ordering the servants around. He doesn't even stand up to invite Elvira into the room. He's kind of an ass, but he can be, so it's alright. He immediately suggests Elvira retire and she does so, to the weirdest dream EVAR and easily the most bizarre and enjoyable scene in the movie.

Paul plays the devil, Kala's all painted in gold, stirring a cauldron with a giant bone, all the servants are zombies. Free form jazz plays maniacally (and it will throughout the rest of the movie in a very interesting choice in score), and Devil Paul kisses Elvira, slits her throat, drains it into a golden chalice, natch, and drinks freely from it. Everyone leers and Elvira wakes up screaming. Krishna comforts her and Kala looks on, jealous. Don't be jealous Kala! There's enough Paul to go around for all you ladies!

So all this is going on and that masked voodoo killer dude is still out there all over the place, whacking more socialites (in one turn, a very compliant strangulation), burning more effigies, and making more undead chicks for his nefarious purposes. There's even a scene with a sandwich-eating mortician (they are always eating!) getting stabbed in the neck with a beer can (Amstel Light!), much to my delight. Scotland Yard is confounded but intent on catching this creepy killer and Lawrence is called in for the assist.

Things get more bizarre with the decapitation of Krishna's old crone housekeeper, a pitchfork/sickle fight between Krishna and T. Zachary, some back to back sexy times with Kala first, and then Elvira, Elvira professing her love to Krishna (as if we didn't see that coming), the station master forced via hoodoo to slit his own throat, the revelation of the masked killer's identity, some serious BLOOD FEAST imagery, and a weird deux ex machina, all not necessarily in this order. It's enough to rival any horror flick, stateside or otherwise, and I LOVE IT.

Described in Paul's memoirs as a 'nightmare within a nightmare' and 'a highly enjoyable zombie film, a strange, esoteric blend of Devil worship and ancient voodoo rituals leading to the resurrection of terrifying female zombies,' I think a far more academic mind could do a hell of a lot more than I have just recounting the events here. Naschy gives a remarkable triple threat performance as Krishna, the masked killer (sorry, spoiler) and the goat-ish Devil and there are enough weird camera angles and slow motion to really give you the sense that you are indeed within Elvira's nightmare.

There are moments that are seemingly WTF, not in a good way, but those WTF good way moments outweigh the bad ones and the anecdotes involving real-life practitioners of the black arts finding hidden meanings in this work and seeking Paul out to discuss these ideas elevate it to cult. It's a great horror movie. The killings are gruesome, the ladies are gorgeous, and it never gets boring.

I urge you to have yourself a Naschy-a-thon today (or any day, really) and check out the Naschy blog-a-thon posts from last year put together by the Vicar and the Duke over at Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies. What an amazing time that was!

Thank you, Paul, for your awesome and awe-inspiring body of work in the genre I call my own! *Tear*

Attack of the Hand

2011-11-27T20:42:00.003-05:00

My hand. On Deniro's head/face!

Happy Fangs-giving!

2011-11-24T15:45:00.003-05:00

I'm thankful for cats, wine, Sam, horror movies, scooters, Danzig I, and cats.

I can't keep October out of the leftovers (the cats have had more turkey than I have) and I've already taken two naps but the wine is still flowing and a weirdo foreign Christmas movie brought to us by Rene Cardona (!) is being watched. I might just tote out the turkey monster classic BLOOD FREAK for a little more strange movie fun after dessert (when Sam wakes up from his second nap). Hope you guys are eating lots, drinking more, and having a lazy drunken day of movie marathons. Happy Fangs-giving, y'all.

New Tattoos!

2011-11-10T17:47:00.006-05:00

Photos were taken maybe an hour or so after I got them done, so they are kinda gross, but whatever. These are horror tattoos and this is a horror blog so you guys will be fine with a little blood, tattooed on or coming from me. Now I finally have a tribute to the slasher side of my fan-dom. On my neck. Knuckles (possibly) up next.

Punk Rock and Devil Locks and Beers

2011-11-08T11:06:00.007-05:00

We saw The Misfits last night! So fun. Yes, they've been more brand than band for the last decade or so and Jerry should probably hang up the devil lock for good, but I don't care! I rocked it out! AND I wore a Misfits sweatshirt to the show. I'm in my thirties and I can be that guy if I want to. Punk rock show, drinking beer, hanging out with Sam. Last night could be a contender for THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, of which I have many.

Halloween Movie Watching Spectacular

2011-10-31T21:10:00.006-04:00

October Horror Movie Challenge over. Here's the playlist.

1. HEAD OF THE FAMILY (1996). Totally Full Moon and totally way more talking than I remember from when I watched this in the early nineties. The sassy Jaqueline Lovell steals the show as the white trash Loretta. I remember her from another Full Moon production, HIDEOUS, and all I can really remember is her topless wearing a gorilla mask and strong-arming someone with a pistol.

2. FRIGHT NIGHT (1985). The original. I love Chris Sarandon in this, his greatest role, a slacks-and-turtleneck-wearing, apple-chomping vampire named Jerry.

3. CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954). Quite possibly my favorite misunderstood monster (who I also sport a tattoo of). I can't pick a favorite Universal classic, but this comes close.

I can now go back to falling asleep even MORE during movie watching.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T17:45:00.005-04:00

Happy Halloween from all of us here at the Cavalcade. We spent the day at the DMW utterly hating our lives and now we are home for wine and pumpkin carving and wine and dinner and wine and horror movie watching and wine. We don't get trick or treaters because you have to be buzzed into our building, but that's fine because I hate kids any way. Although it would be fun to scare them...

Enjoy these attempts at costuming the felines. The mere presence of the pumpkin suit has made all the cats extra sassy. Better photos possibly forthcoming.

October Horror Movie Challenge - Final Week

2011-10-25T23:04:00.020-04:00

Day 22 - THE KEEP (1983) directed by Michael Mann. Nazis guard a citadel in the middle of nowhere Romania that harbors a demonic force. Said demonic force runs into a Jewish scholar that can likely stop it. Good, scary stuff, if not a little on the predictable side. Ian Mcclellan and Gabriel Byrne star, giving this a little bit of a cult edge.

Day 23 - NIGHTWISH (1990). After much birthday carousing (drinks, brunch, more drinks, a bacon martini, a haunted hayride, and drinks), NIGHTWISH ensued. Although it has a 1990 date, it feels more eighties and stars a 'oh, that guy!' (Brian Thompson). Ghosts, aliens, a crumbling mansion, some grad students. If only this was made about eight years before it's time.

Day 24 - BURN, WITCH, BURN (1962). There used to be a band here in Richmond called Burn, Witch, Burn, and I always thought that was a good band name. A professor discovers his wife has been practicing witchcraft to advance his career, gets pissed, and destroys her occult supplies and unleashing terrible evil in the process. Without her help, he's fucked. Way above average and easily this week's highlight, I'm sorry I waiting so long knowing this existed and I never watched it.

Day 25 - PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 (2011). The only film I watched in the theatre for the Challenge thus far, I had a blast watching this with two friends not used to watching horror movies. I am not gonna lie - I was a little scared to come home to a dark house all by myself at night after my girl dropped me off. I had to turn on every light in the house. Including a few nightlights. And four candles.

Day 26 - THE NESTING (1981). An agoraphobic mystery novelist takes residence in an old haunted brothel in the middle of nowhere. Decent, if not a little boring and predictable, this chiller seems a bit removed from its time. Not at all bad, but not at all good, either. The lead gets on my nerves a bit but I don't feel at all guilty when she inadvertantly kills her shrink. Not what I was expecting in a movie called THE NESTING. I was thinking killer wasps or roaches in somebody's weave or something not nearly as understated as this.

Day 27 - PUMPKINHEAD: ASHES TO ASHES (2006). Doug Bradley and Lance Henricksen in the same fucking movie? Yeah, maybe if the year was 1987 and this wasn't this. Still, how can I resist a vengeance demon movie with Doug Bradley and Lance Henricksen in it? I can't. So there. I enjoyed this shit show thoroughly, even though I was only a little wasted at the time. And is this the fucking third or the fifth? Do I care? Only a little.

Day 28 - BRAIN DEAD (2010). Oh, I love you, Kevin Tenney. You gave us NIGHT OF THE DEMONS and fucking WITCHBOARD, so I expect great things from you. Too bad you did not deliver with this cheap-ass crap-fest with the WORST lighting ever (hey, don't film a zombie/horror/captive people movie in BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT (the FINAL DESTINATION movies are guilty of this a great deal, as well) and expect it to be great.) There's a little something called atmosphere, which you should know. But hey, everyone needs a paycheck, so whatever. This is crap. I just wanted the zombie monsters to show up and eat all the losers that populated this movie so they would stop getting on my nerves. So much for that. By the time the zombies got around to it, my pizza was here and I had better things to do, like EAT PIZZA.

Day 29 - CHILD'S PLAY (1988). Duh. Only the second movie of the Challenge I had really seen before. Like really, really seen and know all about. Chris Sarandon! Brad Dourif! Give me the power, I beg of you!

Day 30 - GOOD NEIGHBORS (2010). The presence of two beautiful cats practically from the first frame made me very, very anxious. Any time you see cats in a horror movie, especially this early on, means they'll meet a very untimely death. And they figure so prominently I got very very nervous. Almost to the point where I stopped paying attention and started cooking dinner while only half paying attention. And of course I'm right, the cats do meet an untimely end and there is revenge taken, which is the only thing I find redeeming about this predictable piece of annoyingness. You care about no one, except the cats, of course, and the presence of Scott Speedman alone makes me want to kill myself. Not particularly recommended but partially because I'm a crazy cat lady. This was also NOT what I was in the mood for and I should have just netflixed a monster movie of yore. Or watched something from the archives. And oh, how I hate that outdated SCREAM style cover with the disembodied heads floating above or below the title. Oh, how I loathe it.

There's week four, y'all. Neighbors and witches and vengeance demons and Nazis and citadels and ghosts and nestings and zombies and killer dolls and cat murder (the horror!) and who knows what's in store for tomorrow! We're both off all day and it is THE actual day so we will decidedly stay in and drink wine and watch tons of classics. Halloween is much like New Year's to us, in that it's a total amateur night and we'd much rather be at home with cats and Bela and Boris and Vincent and Basil and the rest.

Until tomorrow....

Happy Birthday Bela Lugosi!

2011-10-20T15:29:00.006-04:00

Happy birthday, Bela; you would have been 119 today! I'll be at work tonight, but once I'm home, it's my Bela DVD collection box set on my new Blu-Ray player with my cat named after you.

(I love that I share a birthday week (I'll be 29 AGAIN on Sunday) with Divine and Bela.)

Happy Birthday Divine

2011-10-19T12:22:00.003-04:00

Today would have been the legendary Divine's 66th birthday. Watch PINK FLAMINGOS or FEMALE TROUBLE, quote every line, and then stare longingly at the framed photo of Divine with Santa Claus you keep in your entryway while you fight back tears. You are missed, you beautiful creature. You are missed.

Week Three - October Horror Movie Challenge

2011-10-18T18:25:00.016-04:00

Day 15 - PUPPET MASTER II: HIS UNHOLY CREATIONS (1991). Oh Day 15, how I hardly remember you. Puppet Master II, what a shit show. Or maybe it's all the booze talking. In recent months, I've been revisiting some of these Full Moon Productions I loved so much in early nineties and realizing I was a very different person in the early nineties. (But I still dress relatively the same - boots, leggings, plaids.) There's an Egyptian brain serum and some side love plot involving reincarnation of a lost love (isn't there always?) but not enough here to keep me awake for very long.

Day 16 - HISSS (2010) directed by Jennifer Lynch. Think Bollywood without the singing and dancing crossed with what? A snake goddess hellbent on revenge towards a wealthy old white dude with brain cancer that stole her snake lover while they were doing sex so she would pursue him and offer him an immortality stone in exchange for her lover. Yep. That's what this is crossed with. And it might sound like a good time (the snake goddess in human form is impossibly hot, as well) it's pretty craptacular. Cheap, cheap, cheap, but there are some good gore gags and the snake transformations are actually pretty nice. Not what you would expect from David Lynch's offspring, given her other work, but whatever.

Day 17 - John Carpenter's THE THING (1982). Duh.

Day 18 - THANKSKILLING (2009). Recommended to me by my bar partner, who inexplicably smells EVERYTHING and has a serious fascination with boobs. (He drew a crude set on my birthday card last year.) This god-awful, but self-aware, horror movie making at its best (worst?) makes Troma look like they have a high class sense of humor. If you ever wanted to hear a turkey hand puppet say 'nice tits, bitch' then look no further. Misogynistic, poorly acted, over-the-top on purpose, and offensive as the day, this one clocks in at just 66 minutes, which seriously feels like an eternity, but not in a bad way. How many Jon Benet Ramsey jokes can you take in an hour? Watch this and find out.

Day 19 - CARNY (2009). Starring Lou Diamond Phillips as a small town sheriff with an escaped cryptozoological beast on his hands. Maybe or may not be the Jersey devil, because it escaped from a truck at a carnival with Jersey plates. Nice try, crappy script. Sideshow stuff is cool, but I do find it hard to believe such an outfit would hit upon small, religious town Reliant aka Bumfuck Nowhere, USA. All characters are either assholes or you don't care about them, so when they become monster food, you continue with your game of Angry Birds and try to give even less of a shit.

Day 20 - THE BLACK CAT (1934). Bela Lugosi birthday = Bela Lugosi movie. Horror stalwarts Karloff and Lugosi out evil each other over the affections of a young newlywed. Awesome set design, awesome performances, some very Caligari-like imagery, a cat, and a Karloff flaying. Good, good, good stuff.

Day 21- GUTTERBALLS (2008). I wish I could tell you how much I loved this because the MANIAC inspired cover makes me giddy with glee, but it was Friday night, I worked until 3 a.m. and had to be up at 9 a.m. so I probably watched all of ten minutes. I awoke to the DVD menu starting over and no recollection of what had just transpired. It still counts, because this is my blog. I still have the DVD, so a repeat watching will take place.

There's the third week. Started slacking there towards the end, what with two late night bar shifts and the anticipation of birthday celebrations (read: drunkenness) getting in the way. But I'm still in. Don't tag me out yet.

Razor Mouth Cat Eats October

2011-10-16T13:05:00.002-04:00

October Horror Movie Challenge - Second Week!

2011-10-15T23:40:00.014-04:00

Day 8 - 976-EVIL II (1992) and directed by Jim Wynorski. Not nearly as good as the first one, because I used to be totally obsessed with that, due in part because I remember those hotline numbers you could call and my friend down the street in the seventh grade got in trouble with her mom because she was calling Freddy Krueger and Bobby Brown for like 19.99 a minute and it was a huge deal and I was instructed never to call those numbers EVER or else I would dealt with accordingly. So of course the fact that there was a HORROR movie about these sorts of things is going to go down as some awesome shit to a thirteen year old me. I had seen this one before, so I put it on, had a few glasses of red wine, and promptly passed out. I remember some such shit about astral projection and the complete and utter absence of Robert Englund and Stephen Geoffreys and that is about all. I still have the Vestron Video copy so I can revisit whenevs.

Day 9 - JAWS OF SATAN (1981). Lots of fun to be had here with snakes, Christian overtones, witchcraft, wayward priests, demonic possession, overt sexual symbolism, strong female leads, the first cinematic appearance of a ten-year old Christina Applegate, and a constantly-eating mortician. (I swear one of these days I'm going to compile a list of all the filmic morticians that are always fucking eating on camera.) This wasn't great, but it was pretty good. Me likey.

Day 10 - I BURY THE LIVING (1958). There's a new cemetery director and he thinks he can cause people who buy plots to die by some sort of push pin on a map voodoo shit and this plays out over the course of many, many minutes. I was on the phone for most of this, discussing some work drama, so Sam caught more of it than I did. I found it to be lackluster at best.

Day 11 - THE GIRL SLAVES OF MORGANA LE FEY (1971) - sexy sexploitation romp featuring a vampiric beauty intent on acquiring souls of other lovely ladies to continue her immortality, her dwarf assistant, and some all out Jean Rollin-style imagery from Italian director Bruno Gattilion. Good times, here, perverts, good times. Sexy ladies tied up in dungeons, a dwarf scheming to get in their pants all the while, and some other ethereal/exploitative stuff. I dug it.

Day 12 - SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (1975) directed by the venerable Jack Hill. I remember this being a ROLLING THUNDER (Quentin Tarantino's early nineties distribution company) release, so when Sam had just started this on Wednesday night as I rolled home from work, I was down to watch, as I hadn't seen it when it had its revival on VHS almost twenty years ago. Good stuff here - girls, guns, and gang warfare - all with ridiculous fucking accents and plenty of knifings. Wish I hadn't waited so long, but I'm glad I did because I don't think I would have enjoyed it two decades ago.

Day 13 - CHAWZ (2009). Korean wild boar invading the human sphere movie. The title is no accident, but there is nothing that can really redeem this, especially the attempts at black humor. Boring. I feel asleep. But you already know how I work late and drink lots, but this is this week's crap-fest. Total.

Day 14 - THE APE (1940). I showed up for the Karloff, stuck around for the lab-or-atories and circus stuff, and got drunk on the fact that Karloff had to don a fucking ape skin and kill people for their spinal fluid to find a cure for polio. I chose this one in part for its brevity (62 minutes and I'm tired, especially after a Friday night bar shift), but was mostly entertained.

There you go, pervs. Just a regular ol'week. Boris and girl gangs and sideshows and horror chat lines and dwarves and killer boars and Christian snakes and all sorts of other good stuff. You're welcome.

First Week of the October Horror Movie Challenge, Y'all!

2011-10-02T14:02:00.027-04:00

Day 1 - Al Adamson's DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1971). What do you think of when you think of Adamson's pictures? Be honest. They ain't all that, but that doesn't mean there isn't fun to be had. Because here you have a fucked up looking Dracula helping a Anton Levey looking wheelchair bound Dr. Frankenstein bring an even more fucked up looking Monster (back) to life. There's a serum for immortality, a Vegas showgirl with a missing sister, a mute, riddled by alcoholism Lon Chaney, Jr. (which is depressing and sad and almost sick), an appearance by Forry, awesomely bad hair, loads of expository dialogue, a dwarf carnival barker, and all the trappings of something wonderful. To quote Sam 'It's not a great movie, but it's got great shit in it.' Well said.

Day 2 - THE BAT (1959), starring Vincent Price and Agnes Moorehead. Fairly run of the mill mystery/suspense thriller. There's some stolen money, an old dark house, a masked killer, and a mild Scooby Doo ending. Vincent's sorta kinda evil here as a greedy doctor and Agnes is pretty annoying as a mystery novelist. The rest of the cast acts as they're supposed to and the killer has some pretty cool fingernails on his black gloves. S'aright.

Day 3 - THE UNNAMABLE (1988). Lovecraft and urban legend inspired, this tale takes four college kids into a haunted house. Much POV demon breathing, practical SFX, and Miskatonic University references ensue, and we're unfortunately left wondering why this garnered a sequel, which I think I have on VHS somewhere here in the house but can't remember either purchasing it or watching it. And the box art totally spoils the monster!

Day 4 - NIGHT OF THE CREEPS (1986). Perennial cult favorite, due mainly/mostly in part to Tom Adkin's chain-smoking cop with a vengeance performance, the gory practical FX, the horror movie in-jokes, and the mix of teen sex comedy with alien zombie plague plot. Throw in a zombie cat, a zombie dog, annoying frat douche-bags, some nubile sorority sisters, and some slug alien thingys that enter your body through the mouth and cause your head to explode and you have a pretty good 90 minutes or so. Schlocky and predictable, this one is still quote-worthy and an overall good time.

Day 5 - THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED (2001). This stars a broke ass Randy Quaid phoning it in as a doctor with a past in small town. He tries to keep everything on the down low with the particulars on how he really adopted Ben, an 'orphaned' kid with some pretty freaky telekinesis tricks. It's all fairly typical (I hate you, dad! You're grounded, son!) up unto a point and then pretty Dr. Stillman arrives (Nastassia Kinski, no less, but by no means as hot as when she was in CAT PEOPLE or in that nun's habit in TO THE DEVIL A DAUGHTER!), a big city therapist thinking she can save Ben. Some light B&E on Stillman's part in the name of therapy, and the fact an alien might be terrorizing the countryside performing brutal murders from those he seeks a certain retribution. There might not be an alien, though, because it could be all in Ben's MIND. And really, if you watched this far, you've already wandered off to the bathroom three times, made popcorn you didn't even want to eat and called attention to a cat's ear placement at least more than twice. This is that boring. Not even the Randy Quaid crazy factor can change that. I want to be punny and say something about my world ending or some such clever thing to tie it all into the title, but I don't care and I took an Ambien halfway through this mess. No apologies.

Day 6 - SNOW CREATURE (1954). An American botanist and his scotch-drinking assistant head into the Nepalese Alps accompanied by some scotch-drinking sherpas who declare mutiny when a yeti steals the lead sherpa's woman. All is forgiven however when the botanist and said alcoholic capture the yeti and bring it back to L.A. Hijinks ensue and honestly, I wish I could tell you more but the fatigue and sleeping pills took their toll and I passed out towards the end. And don't let the word hijinks fool ya, this one is played as straight as an arrow. It is from the mf'ing 50's. I just wanted to say hijinks in the same paragraph as sherpa, two words I love and rarely get to use in tandem. BTW, this still counts towards the challenge even though I fell asleep. I work very late into the night getting perverts like you drunk for my own monetary benefit so you all can get over it.

Day 7 - THE WASP WOMAN (1959). Roger Corman-directed psuedo-science schlock as it's intended to be. (And Jim Wynorski of CHOPPING MALL fame directed the 1995 remake!) Janice, the aging proprietor of a cosmetic company, tries an experimental royal jelly injection to save her failing beauty and enterprise. When the scientist she gets the serum from is hit by a car (plot point!), she must resort to other methods to keep the inevitable at bay; the inevitable being she turns into a fucking wasp. The cover art is excellent and all this plays out exactly how you want it to, but it's good, classic Corman monster fun.

The first week of the challenge is over! I had some fails and some near misses, but I'm still having fun! I have no idea what's in store for the second week, so stay tuned!

Ladies and Gentlemen...

2011-10-01T20:35:00.006-04:00

Welcome to the Odditorium! Easily this year's highlight from the Virginia State Fair, I give you the sideshow, old-school-as-hell-as-it's-intended-to-be, in the form of a museum with the live acts taking place on stage. The hot blond chick (subject to opinion, hehe) in some of the pics is me and I'm, sadly, not part of the exhibit. Sam didn't get pics of the Feegee Mermaid they had on display (much to my chagrin, read: bitching) on the account of his camera being wonky. Another member of our party did, and I await the awesome pics he has for us. Until then, let these awesome taxidermy gaffs and so forth speak for themselves. More in store....

Pumpkins! And Maybe a Cat or Two....

2011-10-01T18:33:00.006-04:00

Behold! It's time to pick pumpkins!

Moochie wants to go pick pumpkins. Too bad for Moochie.

Upon arrival. Screaming kids everywhere! Yay!

The hayride. More screaming kids! But some of them were kinda funny!

Casey and me.

The smallest pumpkin EVAR! AHHHHH! It's about to meet its DOOM!

Partial haul.

The loading of the full haul. Twenty bucks. All you can carry. We had two casualties.

The Pumpkin Inspector a.k.a Soap Sud.

October Horror Movie Challenge

2011-09-30T11:53:00.002-04:00

Alright, perverts, tomorrow is the first day of October and therefore the first day of the October Horror Movie Challenge. I don't REALLY think of this as a challenge because I watch at least one horror movie a day, sometimes two or three on my days off, but this will at least give me some sense of community and hopefully get me posting. My selections are as random as my moods, so this might spice up things here at the Cavalcade, as I seem to just watch 70's exploitation and dress up my cats. Case in point, last night I watched 80's trainwreck WITCHBOARD starring Tawyne Kitaen and the night before that, the Troma classic REDNECK ZOMBIES. I just never know. It could be anything. Intrigued yet? I didn't think so.

Secondly, tonight I am attending the VA State Fair. You might remember my fair posts from years gone by and this year will hopefully be equally as littered with sideshows, creepy animals, and lots and lots of disgusting food. It's the one time of year where J.Astro and I can agree on dietary choices. Check back for updates!

See you all in the Challenge!

Reasons Why Sssssss is Fucking Awesome

2011-09-24T00:32:00.004-04:00

1. It features a snake-obsessed mad scientist antagonist named Dr. Stoner.

2. There is a carnival/fair/sideshow element integrated into the mad scientist plot.

3. A man is turned into a snake, not only once, but twice (it's two different dudes, sorry if I didn't really word that correctly), and we get to see the results at varying times.

4. Heather Menzie's hair. Seriously, what is up with her hair? It's horrible, but also awesome.

5. It's from the seventies.

6. It's name is an onomatopoeia and how often do I get to say that, both the word 'onomatopoeia' and that a title of a film is one?

7. The man snake looks fucking creepy and rad, even though he's sad because he's in the freak show.

8. All the snake milking scenes (of which there was a certain sideshow quality to as well) were apparently real. That, and I got to use the words 'snake milking' in a sentence and attest to their reality.

9. There's a mongoose, who eventually saves the day, if you count taking down the man-snake and subsequent object of Heather Menzie's character's affection as saving the day, which I do.

10. There's a love plot involving a half-reptile/half-man and Heather Menzies.

The only way this could have been better is if Ray Milland had showed up.

Expound on your Sssssss love in the comments.

Moochie As Shark

2011-09-18T18:07:00.003-04:00

Moochie might be a shark for Halloween. He hasn't decided. He might be a banana. An evil, chow-eating, vomiting-all-over-the-house, being-really-noisy-in-the-mornings banana. It's a toss up.

CATS

2011-08-27T17:58:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you just have to put a giant fat cat in a tiny pink dress. Especially when you're bored and there's a hurricane bearing down on your ass and you're about to loose power and there's nothing left to do except dress cats and drink wine. A DEATH WISH marathon might be on the horizon, power outages permitting.

Cats - THE SENTINEL

2011-08-11T02:12:00.004-04:00

Easily the best appearance by a cat in a horror movie EVAR, we have this one. A cat, in a high chair, wearing a red velvet bib and a gold lame party hat, at his own damn birthday party thrown by a coven of witches. Yes. I hope to have a birthday party for Soap Sud this year of equal grandeur. Which is more or less an excuse to drink champagne and eat cake during daylight hours more than anything else. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Cat Birthday Party, Sentinel style.

Italian Week at the Blood Sprayer

2011-08-05T15:19:00.003-04:00

Italian Week is in full swing over at the Blood Sprayer. You can check out all sorts of great articles from the Blood Sprayer family, including one by yours truly about Italian Jaws ripoff, THE LAST SHARK. So head on over, show some love. Or I'll send a shark to eat you.

Dream No Evil

2011-07-29T20:14:00.007-04:00

Very simply put John Hayes' DREAM NO EVIL (1971) is the tale of a Grace, orphaned young girl with a daddy complex, turned evangelical circus performer, turned bat-shit crazy murderess in a dream world completely severed from reality.

Before the credits role, eight-year old Grace is having nightmares on her threadbare cot in the orphanage. She's screaming for her daddy to come and rescue her, but her pleas are dissuaded by the nuns, who tell her she has no daddy. Not unlike little Ricky's lot in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT have I felt so forlorn. It's a deeply saddening scene and you feel for the little girl with her troubled delusions of rescue.

Fast forward ten or so years and Grace is now working as an acrobat of sorts in Jesse Bundy's (her soon-to-be brother-in-law) touring ministry. Her fiance, Patrick, has left the ministry for a medical career. Jesse desires Grace but wheels in his feelings because of her chaste relationship with Patrick. That doesn't stop him from making her don a skimpy outfit for her routines and muse about her figure constantly under his breathe.

Seems like a good life, huh? Doctor fiance, preaching the bible in a skimpy bathing suit. But Grace is still plagued the need to find her father. When her Roadshow visits a town she once lived in, he runs into resident pimp/undertaker (Marc Lawrence, director of the splendid PIGS!) and while trying to enlist Grace into his harem of old floozies, he mentions he has her daddy on ice in the basement! It's there where Grace seemingly sees her father rise from the slab, dispatch with the undertaker via scalpel to the back, and they retreat happily ever after, Southern Gothic ala Flannery Conner to a decrepit farm in the country.

However, as a very superfluous and annoying narration tells us, Grace is completely cut off from reality. All those scenes of her father drinking whiskey and playing the accordion? Never happened. The idyllic ranch where the two reside? Molding and deteriorating. What about when she invites Jesse over to meet her dear old dad? Murdered. The old sheriff who comes to investigate Jesse's disappearance? Sickled to death by the barn. But then, oh narration, who is doing the murdering? Why, Grace of course.

What could have been a magical exercise in the descent into madness tale of a young girl pining for a family is instead stripped of all it's magic by the annoying and intelligence insulting narrator. Case in point. Grace is sitting in a GONE WITH THE WIND style bedroom in a flowing gown. A quick cut and a booming narration let us know the reality of the situation is really a dingy and run-down room, with Grace in a filthy smock. It the voice-over hadn't ruined it for me, I might have been shocked to hear it was Grace's split from reality causing all this trouble.

Still, DREAM NO EVIL is a poignant little film. It's not surreal in its unrepentant representation of reality. Grace is deeply immersed in her dream life, hence the title. There's some fun ghost story elements at play as well. When the sheriff searches for the hotel where the undertaker/pimp works, it doesn't exist. It turns out the illusion has dominated the film long before we are supposed to realize it. Except for the fucking narration going and spoiling all the fun.

Other writers more astute that I, have provided correlations between director Hayes' childhood and Grace's onscreen one and have suggested a possible identifying with Grace on Hayes' part. Themes of abandonment, exasperation with religion, insanity abound and those who knew Hayes, he was a commercial filmmaker with no interest in art. So, if he does identify with Grace, this is a good example of stripping away some of that self-disillusionment. And probably why the whole thing is so damn straightforward, when it could have been much trippier. But that isn't a fault. Sometimes when I'm watching this wacky stuff from the seventies, all that psychedelic camera work to represent madness can get old. I get it, I get it, the fucking person is crazy. Enough with the weird angles and the gels.

I can't wait to see what else Hayes' work holds, because I am a budding fan. I couldn't help but wonder what he could have done with a better budget, because this is a deeply creative work. GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE is his next piece I've got lined up and I'm sure I won't be disappointed. He also worked with Rue Mclanahan quite a bit back during her early career, so that could prove interesting as well. This title is alternately known as THE FAITH HEALER and NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO DIE. I think I like DREAM NO EVIL best, as it points to Grace's candy coated vision of reality with her dead father.

Scream Bloody Murder (Claw of Terror)

2011-07-24T15:47:00.003-04:00

You know it's gonna be good when the opening scene is of young Matthew on bulldozer deliberately driving over his father. In a twist of fate, Matthew falls off the machine and gets his hand mangled in the treads. It's all weird camera angles and crazy wide angles that make this Oedipal opening all the more bizarre and wonderful.

Cut to ten years later and Matthew has just returned home unannounced from the nuthouse, crushed hand replaced with a creepy metal claw (you know, the kind you'd find on your car door handle after a night of making out in a secluded area). Mom's been recently remarried and Matthew quickly dispatches this interloper with an axe. Mom's pretty miffed at this action, and in a struggle with her son, she falls and bashes her head in on a rock. Matthew takes to the road and accepts a ride from a cute young couple, only to kill them as well, because he imagines them as his mom and stepfather.

He ends up in Venice Beach were he befriends a prostitute, Vera, on the steps of her cottage as she's painting an abstract. (Vera is subsequently played by the same woman playing Matthew's mom.) Matthew resolves to save Vera from her life, but he needs a home in which to do so, so he drives out to the wealthy part of town, knocks on the door of the first mansion he sees, meat cleavers the maid, strangles the old lady upstairs, and butchers the family dog! Voila. The perfect place to woo Vera.

But once he's lured Vera back to the mansion (which is now occupied by Muhammad Ali and was used in the last ROCKY movie as Sylvester's pad), she's not all that intent on staying. But like it or not, she's going to stay and Matthew ties her up to a bed post. What ensues are some thwarted attempts at escape and Matthew's deep, deep descent into utter madness.

This could be seen as just another unsympathetic momma's boy on a killing spree flick, but there's enough here to transcend this film into exploitation gold. I've been thinking about it constantly since I first stumbled upon it in an bought of insomnia. How has this movie not been on my radar until now? It's gorey as hell, the killings are brutal and plentiful, Matthew is crazed in the way I like my killer's crazed, the performances are over-the-top, there's a good amount of silly deadpan, Oedipal references abound, there's a total ickiness towards sex, Angus Scrimm is the doctor that figures out something with Matthew's story ain't right (with more dialogue here than he ever uttered in the PHANTASM flicks), and there's an overall hallucinatory and claustrophobic feel throughout that just gets under my skin.

Coupled with a goofy made for TV movie score and blood caked ghoul women hallucinations that become all the more frequent as Matthew gets crazier, this movie rules! Where else are you going to get gems like this, 'Look at this - a steak. Well who else ever bought you a steak before? Nobody, that's who!' And when Vera asks what Matthew sees in one of her abstract messes of a painting, he responds, 'He's been punished by the sun, he's been punished for chopping up the man that took his mother away from him.' Vera replies, 'I didn't know I was such a good artist.'

It's stuff like this that takes the mostly downbeat mood and elevates it to hilarity. There's plenty of humor, especially in Matthew's delivery and performance, that just make you laugh, even though enough blood is spilled and bodies are dispatched nastily enough. It's shockingly done, but hey, this is fucking exploitation movie from 1972! Director Marc Ray nailed it, with a tiny budget and gorilla filmmaking techniques. He went on to direct one more movie, THE SEVERED ARM (what is it with the cutting off of appendages?), and retired from the movie business to become a shrink. Fred Holbert, the kid that played Matthew, was never heard from again and prostitute/mother Vera (Leigh Mitchell) never went on to do anything else again either. Shame, really, as Holbert's performance really does elevate this.

You can watch this instantly on Netflix as CLAW OF TERROR and I recommend you do so right away. Search for the BLOOD-O-RAMA collection. Do it now. Just look at that one sheet. It's reason enough.

Happy Birthday, Glenn!

2011-06-23T15:32:00.002-04:00

Sam left me this note this morning. I'll echo that. Danzig is as old as my mom. Happy birthday, Glenn!

The Count

2011-05-30T21:14:00.003-04:00

We had Dracula auditions here at the Cavalcade this afternoon, for the all-cat rendition. It will be a musical, of course. Who wore it better?

Tuna

Deniro

Or Moochie

You decide!

Dear Glenn,

2011-05-14T17:20:00.004-04:00

Dear Glenn, thank you for letting us come to your show tonight. It was nice to see you when I wasn't staggering through a blackout, as is so often the case when I've come to see you in the past. A good time was had by my company and myself and I happened noticed several things in my lucid state.

People still really like 'MOTHER.' I think everyone paid thirty bucks just to see you guys do that one. They also really like the stuff off Danzig I. But why wouldn't they? It's your best stuff as Danzig and you guys should totally do one of those tours where you play Danzig I in its entirely.

I also noticed that as you sweat, your hair is really thinning. It's almost to Crypt Keeper levels. But I commend you for still rocking the long hair. I'm quite disappointed though, that you didn't wear the black fishnet shirt. You opted for a more conservative black muscle tee. I suppose the mesh isn't as flattering these days. So be that.

Your fans these days have the collective IQ of negative five. The crowd was almost at a Slayer-fan-level IQ. Almost. We did meet a charming gentleman outside who just recently, as in before the show, discovered you used to sing for The Misfits. We acted way too cool and didn't dignify that one with a response. I also made friends with a seventeen year old in a tuxedo that had left his date at the prom to come see you. That is dedication. How his date felt about it, I've no idea.

I still really like CIRCLE OF SNAKES. I liked it back in 2005 and I like it still. That chorus on 'BLACK ANGEL/WHITE ANGEL' is pretty fucking awesome. I don't even consider it a guilty pleasure, but a real one. I do not, however, really want to see any of the songs off DETH RED SABAOTH performed live again. They are okay on the record and I was about to say this was a return to form of sorts for you, but then I heard these live (and sober). I'll still listen to the record. But reconsider that Danzig I tour, would ya?

It was also interesting to hear of your food choices, as my friend works for the catering services at the venue, and I am very interested in these sorts of things. I heard you had chicken and broccoli and the only stipulation on your food rider was no seafood. I guess you are from Lodi and there isn't really good seafood in Jersey. Makes sense. It was also fun to hear that you were the first one to the catering line, as my friend said the headliners don't usually come down to eat until after the openers. You were first in line. You need a full tummy to perform well. I understand that.

I AM DEMON is a great song for an encore. Thanks for not being predictable and making MOTHER the encore. SHE RIDES would have been another excellent choice.

Again, thanks for letting us come. I know you're like in your mid-fifties now and shit, but this Danzig line-up is pretty solid, way more solid than the current incarnation of the Misfits. I know both bands have been more brand that band for over a decade or so now, but at least you still seem somewhat serious and still committed. The last time I saw the Misfits, everything was sped up to unrecognizable levels and Jerry's ego overtook the room. But I'm sure you grow weary of hearing about Jerry's exploits of late, even though you and Doyle are still on good terms. Think about maybe doing SKULLS again next time, since you performed it in 2005 on the CIRCLE OF SNAKES tour. Which was awesome.

Love, Jenn

P.S. I know you probably don't remember, but I met you on that '05 tour and you were just as everyone describes. Interpret that as you may.

The Bat People

2011-05-12T13:51:00.000-04:00

Read carefully. If you have the following symptoms or have found yourself in the some of the following situations, you may be well on your way to becoming one of THE BAT PEOPLE.

1. You've recently found yourself trapped in a cavern because your wife wanted to have sex with you in said cavern but you fell down and got bit by a bat instead.

2. After the bat bite incident, you and the wife continue with your honeymoon, which is peppered by insane blackouts and lots of skiing.

3. You feel the need to deliver a very campy performance when going into the rabid blackouts.

4. You are experiencing fever dreams where a couple in an abandoned truck is dry humping each other, but the tryst is cut short abruptly when the male of the couple ejaculates prematurely in his pants and then you go smash a mannequin.

5. You must change jackets with more frequency than necessary.

6. You befriend a hobo, and because of your medical background, you fix his broken hand. After fixing his broken hand, you kill him.

7. You think you are actually turning into a bat person, but it remains ambiguous because it could be taking place ALL IN YOUR MIND. Fits of insanity may occur.

8. You steal an ambulance, lead the police on a high speed chase, and crash the ambulance after the hobo abuse.

9. You have sex while turning into a bat monster. Maybe. Because it might be all in your mind.

10. You father a possible bat child and have an undying need to spend time in caves.

11. Your hand keeps turning into a bat claw and your wedding ring keeps falling off.

If you haven't experienced any of these behaviors, you're probably not a bat person. But you could be. IN YOUR MIND.

Okay, my only complaints with this movie:

1. More bat people sex, intoned or full on.

2. More on-screen human-to-bat-person transformations.

3. More hobos.

4. More undying bat love.

That is all.

Spider Baby

2011-05-03T13:55:00.004-04:00

It's oftentimes hard for me to write about something I really love. It's also hard to write about something everyone else really loves too. What can I say that hasn't been said previously and said better? What can I add to the conversation besides my undying love? It's a lot like this with Jack Hill's SPIDER BABY (1964). I've loved this film for years, yet never written about it or really had a good conversation about it with like-minded folks. Case in point, I've never put it into words why I love it so much. I just know that I adore it, with out really flushing out why.

The film came to me years ago. My friend, Rachel, had the shirt of the now common (to me and other film fans) poster art but had bought it movie unseen. It was a kickass shirt and she just liked the art work. Now I usually equate this behavior as poseur-ish, like painting band names on your leather jacket when you're not really a fan of the band, or haven't even really heard the band. But there's a lot to be said about aesthetics, and if something speaks to you aesthetically, why not rock it? So yeah, I saw this shirt and was like, wow, that seems cool. Maybe one day I'll check that movie out.

Years later, I bought a big lot of VHS films from eBay. Having forgot about Rachel's shirt, SPIDER BABY was among some of the fifty odd movies I procured in that lot. I can't recall when I actually first saw it, but I loved it from that moment. It was such an interesting little thing, with the sum of its parts (outstanding performances, dark humor, outlandish scenarios, Psycho-homages, etc.) making it great. Why isn't this up there with midnight movie brethren?

SPIDER BABY tells the story of the Merrye family, Virginia (Jill Banner), the youngest sister who fancies herself a spider and eats bugs, Elizabeth (Beverly Washburn), the middle child and the most 'normal' of the bunch, and Ralph (Jack Hill regular Sid Haig), as the oldest and strangest member of the clan. You see, the children suffer from Merrye Syndrome, defined by the Encyclopedia of Rare Peculiar diseases, as a progression deterioration of the mental faculties, a rotting of the mind. The older they get, the more they regress into infantile dementia, thus resulting in strange behavior, not limited to cannibalism. It's all an unfortunate side effect of inbreeding and these three kids are the last of the clan. Bruno (Lon Chaney, Jr. in one of his last roles) is the family chauffeur turned guardian of the clan and swore to the children's father, Titus, he would care for them until their dying day.

While psychotic and sociopathic (the kids often kill people that come by the house with seemingly no remorse - take for instance, a hapless delivery man just coming to deliver a letter - Virginia traps him in her spider web and 'stings' him with two butcher knives), the Merrye family is intrinsically likable. They're quirky and strange, Ralph reminds you of Schlitze the Pinhead, but that doesn't mean you don't root for them. You see, after we meet them Merryes, distant cousins Peter and Emily (played perfectly by ice queen bitch from HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, Carol Ohmart), have arrived to take over guardianship of the children and sell the house for a great profit. Titus, although insane, was quite wealthy and Emily wants to cash in on this for her own gain.

When threatened by these outsiders, the Merrye family does what they have to, which is frighten and kill and seduce these distant family members so their world can remain as is. The family is close knit and they could just go on about their business eating cats and playing with tarantulas, but 'normal' society had to step in. I just can't help thinking the entire time these people, who are supposed to be family, need to leave the Merryes the fuck alone. You feel for them, even if they are murderous cannibals. But somehow that never even figures into the equation. They're lovable psychos and you love them just as Bruno does.

Speaking of Bruno, Chaney brings this totally ingratiating-ness (is that a word? oh well, it is here) that's hard not to feel sadness towards. He loves those kids, even though he can't control them and his word is as good as his honor. Chaney was definitely on his last legs here, riddled by alcoholism and looking pretty long in the tooth, but I'd wager to say this is one of his best performances, albeit it, a lesser known one. I read somewhere he didn't touch a drop of booze for the eleven days they were filming SPIDER BABY, but the night the film wrapped he and Jack Hill stayed up until the four in the morning getting plastered.

Sid Haig is just as wonderful. He's very young here and almost disappears into his role. He's not one of those guys you normally think of as someone that can really bring any character to life, he's so recognizable. But here, he's straight out of FREAKS, is mute, and is absolutely perfect as Ralph, the most-gone of the Merrye clan.
The performances from the girls are just as great - Virginia (Jill Banner) is creepy, seductive, flirtatious, and dangerous all rolled into one, and Elizabeth (Beverly Washburn) is just as sinister, if not completely polite, but with a total darkness to her. It's a shame Jill Banner didn't go on to do more. I think she would have been a hit on the B-movie circuit.

The performances are dead on and the whole things sounds morbid and disturbing, but is actually quite darkly comic. I'd love to see this one with an audience and see when and where the movie elicits laughter. Ralph, for sure, would garner a few chuckles based on appearance alone.

SPIDER BABY, made four years after PSYCHO, contains plenty of similarities, although you wouldn't think such immediately about a black comedy about cannibalism and rare diseases. From the rotting Victorian mansion on a hill where outsiders come to ultimately perish, to the father's corpse rotting in a bedroom and referred to as alive, to the warped family values, SPIDER BABY owes a something of a debt to Hitchcock's film. I don't know whether the homage is intentional, since the movie was written and shot at a breakneck pace, but it's there.

I might not have totally done this thing justice, as I'm sure there are more points of discussion. Please feel free to expound upon them in the comments.

The Sin Syndicate

2011-04-26T22:33:00.006-04:00

Meet the Zero Girls.

Dolores is a half-Cuban/half-Chinese curvy brunette burlesque dancer who gets picked up by the mafia to become a stripper. She's raped in Cuba and sent to the states to become a hooker. "I didn't know I'd already been bought and paid for."

Lorna (oh, how I love the name Lorna - it's so tough sounding and you never hear of anyone naming their kid Lorna) is an American girl next door type who got 'caught up in a party girl lifestyle.' Before she knew it, she was being raped for two days before being sent to the 'Syndicate' for prostitution.

Candy was left an orphan in London after the Blitz. She was only three days old when her parents were killed. She spent the next eighteen years growing up in an orphanage and even considered becoming a nun. She left the convent at 21 and became a secretary and fell in love. Her first sexual experience is in an apartment inexplicably decorated in an African motif and soon after this, she meets the mob boss and becomes a Zero Girl.

Monica met the mob boss on her wedding night when she was just nineteen. Her own husband made her a Zero Girl, introducing her to the life when they were supposed to be on their honeymoon. Instead of a romantic evening, Monica was forced to strip nude in a room full of strange men and then hook up with another Zero Girl while the men watch.

We get to watch as these women strip and fuck their way into complete oblivion, with no possible way of redemption. But after what they've subjected themselves to, what redemption could be possible? Dolores narrates, 'You've seen us before. You've seen us on every street where pretty bodies are an easy mark with a price. To the rackets, we're Zero Girls. Nothing. Zero. We're all owned by the syndicate, body and soul. Or should I just say ‘body,' because after a few nights you can't remember being a woman or ever having a soul....'

THE SIN SYNDICATE is Michael Findlay's first feature (possibly - there are no known previous efforts, but who knows, he was prolific and film didn't get stored properly way back when) and treads familiar Findlay territory in it's overtly women hating overtones. The film is is essentially an exercise in how four women's soul's are eradicated by a life turning tricks, BUT it's no where near as appalling as some of his other efforts (THE FLESH TRILOGY). And while this might seem an understatement, coming from a film where the very first scene is a woman being strung up and tortured, Michael is just getting started (this is the early 60's and the Findlay would have two more decades to explore his depravity, alongside his equally cracked wife, Roberta, who credits herself with being the first female pornographer). I'd call this a warm up for his later completely revolting efforts in sickening viewer with misogyny, rape, torture, and an overall hatred for all of humanity.

So, if you like that sort of thing, you know, a supreme hatred of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, and you dig some vintage sleaze and burlesque alongside your rape and torture, look no further. The girls are beautiful in that retro sexy way, curves and cat-eye makeup, and while all are obviously amateur actresses, they seem to elicit some sort of sympathy by the end. The dudes are just that sleazy.

There's also some weirdness - the film stops abruptly to give us stock footage of the Blitz, the Cuban revolution, and even more inexplicably, a battleship being bombed! There's also a strange sequence where the screen goes completely black, three cots are illuminated, the girls are being pawed at by thugs, while Dolores strips on stage. It's extremely stylized. Gotta class it up for those refined perverts sitting in the theatre jacking it to this. Because you know that's what they did back then.

And if this has taught you anything, let it be this - 'wherever there are men, there will be Zero Girls!'

New Tattoo!

2011-04-22T21:22:00.002-04:00

Perverts, I give you two scoops of cat!

James River Film Festival Highlights

2011-04-11T00:10:00.008-04:00

Richmond holds an annual film festival each April. The festival doesn't tend to focus on any theme or genre - they'll have a night of short films from local universities, or some independent work, maybe a reading or two thrown in. Once every couple of years, however, they'll screen a thing or two that peaks my interest and this year I was delighted to find out they were screening the Spanish language version of DRACULA with a live soundtrack AND a rare 35mm print of THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER. On the same night! Yay!

Movie the first - DRACULA. The introduction wasn't anything I didn't already know - the film was shot at night on the same stage as Tod Browning's film, the long shots of Dracula aren't Carlos Villar, but Bela Lugosi, a money-saving maneuver - but the highlights included seeing this old film on a big screen in a theatre with an audience AND musical accompaniment by guitar whiz Gary Lucas.

On the musical aspect. Lucas, looking cool in a purple fedora and loose fitting grey suit, took the stage after being briefly introduced as a performer with Captain Beefheart. He said a couple of words and the film started rolling. He played along with the DRACULA theme song at a little too high a volume, so I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to concentrate on subtitles. It really was that loud. But after the credits, he toned it down and I was immediately sucked in to watching the movie, almost tuning out Lucas as he played along. He's that good. You don't even realize you're hearing something performed live.

The only time I was sentient I was watching a live performance along with the film is that some of the music is slightly anachronistic. There's a Spanish feel to some it, a rock n roll feel to other parts, with softer notes played with women are conversing on screen. He also switches between acoustic and electric depending on the action, which is pretty cool. It updates the film in some ways, but you are still aware you're watching a movie from the Thirties. It's a weird feeling, but not a bad one.

On seeing DRACULA with an audience. I've seen this version of the film many times and often pair it as a double feature with Bela Lugosi's version. But this was my first time with a theatre full of other film fans and it was a little annoying, even though it is interesting to see how different people react to certain films I myself am very familiar with. Yes, the movie is stagey and akin to a stage performance, because it originated as such. Yes, it's eight decades removed from our current movie watching brains. And yes, sometimes it's hokey. But it ain't all that fucking funny. You would think people were watching stand up or something the way they were guffawing at Dracula's facial expressions. I think a lot of times people don't know what to do with themselves when they watch something old or removed from what they are used to. Laughter is their way of dealing with it. I've seen it happen with all sorts of films, usually films that are a lot more 'shocking' than this one. Overall, it was cool to see this on a big screen, stupid laughter from stupid people aside.

And, I never realized how much I love Renfield. It really is his movie in a lot of ways, at least this version. I love watching him go nuts. It's easily one of the best performances throughout the movie. And he gets so much more screen time than Dracula. It would seem he upstages the cloaked one in many ways.

Movie the second - NIGHT OF THE HUNTER. Charles Laughton's first and only feature, the wonderful melodrama starring Robert Mitchum, is easily one of my favorite noir pictures. I was delighted to be able to see this on a big screen in 35mm! This feature kicked off with a reading from the novel by Minnesotan author and film fan, Peter Schilling, Jr., appearing with fake LOVE/HATE knuckle tattoos. It was a cute gesture, but kinda weak. This is a dude wearing a navy blue blazer and those little wire-rimmed glasses. Oh well. I'm like, shut up, get to the movie.

On seeing this with an audience. The audience here was more reserved. Everyone was respectful of the film and there was the occasional giggle, but overall, this was a more somber affair than most. Preacher Harry Powell is just so damn evil! You can't take your eyes off him. And Pearl is just so darn cute. I don't like kids, but I would cuddle Pearl in a second.

On the movie itself. It's been years since I've seen this and only ever on VHS. I feel like I paid a lot of attention this time (I was also stone cold sober, hehe). You know how it is. You can see something over and over and then like the tenth time you see it, you pick up on stuff you might have missed. This time I was hyper-aware of the kids and their mistrust of the adults. I'm not saying I missed this entirely before, since it is overt, but I really felt for those kids this time around. They loose their dad, which they get to watch, they loose their mom, the other adults are drunk or unbelieving - there's no one they can trust. And while Mitchum's Preacher is what the film is most memorable for, the kids are really what carry the movie and who you feel for. It's just such a painful movie, in that you feel the same pain and really, really want to see Preacher get what's coming to him. I need to read the novel. I could only love it.

It was so fantastic to be able to see these two old films in a festival environment. To go to two different amazing venues in my city on the same night and watch two of my favorite films is what I want every day to be like. Richmond isn't the roaring metropolis it should be and these things just don't happen on the regular around here. I'm glad I got to be a part of it this year. Here's to more genre offerings in years to come! Yay!

Cats! Cats! and a Graph About Cats!

2011-04-09T12:16:00.006-04:00

The Black Cat

2011-03-14T23:57:00.003-04:00

We expect Lucio Fulci to give us films like THE BEYOND or CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD or ZOMBIE. He's most famous for these and rightfully so. They're gory, frightening, visceral film experiences that have given us death by seeing eye dog and a zombie vs. shark throwdown. He's earned his right as a master of horror in pretty much every gorehound's mind. But I'm not that much of a gorehound, although I do like a bit of splatter, and there's more to the man that the living dead and seven doors to Hell. Enter 1981's THE BLACK CAT, loosely based on the Poe story of the same name.

Now Argento gave us his version with TWO EVIL EYES and Corman did a hell of job with his retelling, but this ain't that. Rather, it's a stalwartly paced mystery about some village folk who come to inexplicably nasty ends, with suspicion falling on a local medium whose penchant is to record his conversations with the dead and has a sinister bond with a black feline companion. The tone and the mood are there and the film almost feels two decades removed from its early eighties date. There's plenty of foggy cemeteries, bat attacks, and investigation of dusty crypts, but that's sort of the fun.

But what was really, really fun for me was all the stuff that suspicious black cat is capable of. Allow me to recap for you.

1. The cat has the urge to kill. The old psychic is right to be scared of the bastard. He scratches and bites and yowls constantly. You should be wary of this cat, that is for sure. Even our Maine Coon, October, sat and watched this movie as that cat commands fucking attention when he's on screen.

2. He can appear and disappear at will. Not like he just turns a corner or something. It truly seems like he's teleporting.

3. He can multiply. In one particularly gruesome attack, he's about eight cats at once. You don't know which way to look, or where to hide. This cat will find your ass.

4. He can hypnotize. Say you're driving in your car and you notice there's a cat in the backseat. Suddenly, you just want to take your hands off the wheel, press the gas, and run headlong into the nearest parked van in broad daylight, throwing yourself through the windshield. Yeah, this cat can make that happen for you.

5. He can set fires. Not with laser beam eyes or anything. He's got the smarts to topple an oil lamp into a lit fireplace if he wants to set your ass on fire.

6. He can lock you in a shed, turn off the ac, and suffocate you to death while you try to tryst with your lover. That, and he can remove the key you had with you and deposit it outside the shed, baffling Scotland Yard.

7. He can open barred doors, then hypnotize your drunk ass into impalement.

8. He can channel spirits, natch. That's probably where that motherfucker gets all his powers.

9. He frames his human for kidnapping and maiming, looking innocent all the while.

10. Oh, and he can destroy wills. Obviously.

I know it might come as a shock to you that I love cats. This only solidified my love for the creatures even more. This cat is a badass. I didn't even mention he can come back from the dead after eating poisoned food, a hanging, and then a burial under six feet of earth! And although I do not like to watch violence against animals of any kind, especially to our furry feline friends, this didn't bother me, because I knew that asshole was going to come back and get his revenge. Go, cat, go!

Recommended for lovers of vengeful cats and Fulci completists.

Punk Rawk Paul

2011-03-04T13:45:00.004-05:00

And clown Paul, and Paul in chains, and some other awesome Paul stuff. Like a drunk in a clown suit next to a lingerie model. Ladies and gentlemen, screen grabs from OPERACION MANTIS.

Reasons Why Waxwork is Great

2011-02-18T23:25:00.005-05:00

1. It has a dwarf. While he's not quite as sinful as the Sinful Dwarf, he's still a creepy ass dwarf. And he reminds me a bit of Hans from FREAKs.

2. It has Miles O'Keefe. How much O'Keefe is in this movie? Miles O'Keefe. And he's a Dracula. The least sexy Dracula of all, yet still a Dracula.

3. It has the words 'steak tar tar' in it. What other horror movie do you know of that has a reference to steak tar tar? Please let me know.

4. It's like five movies in one. Dracula, Mummy, Zombie, Marquis de Sade (?), Werewolf, it's got it all. Soooooo goood.

5. It's eighties as hell. And it has the lead from GREMLINS, Zack whatever his name is.

6. There's an old dude in a wheelchair that loves all things occult and has been waiting for the day when the waxwork claims all it's victims so there can be an uprising of epic proportions that includes a butler and lots of flame-throwing devices so the world doesn't get taken over by history's most notorious villains, fictional or no!

7. It features a fucking wax museum. Remind me to tell you the story where I needed to pee when I was in Mexico and ended up in a creepy-as-fuck wax museum, complete with scenes straight out of this movie. Most unsettling.

8. Anthony Hickox directed this shit. Remember him from HELLRAISER III? (And WAXWORK 2 is on the TV in HR3 when he gets a phone call in the middle of the night). Also remember him because he's an important director and shit. I like that he has a beard. And casts himself in his own movies.

WAXWORK is great for a lot of reasons and I only touched on them here. Feel free to expound in the comments, dubiously.

Yeti Beer

2011-02-11T17:03:00.004-05:00

Oh Yeti, I bet your Espresso Stout is delicious, however for 9.99 a bottle, I'm going to have to pass. My Gallo Cellars pino noir is more substantial in weight and volume and only costs 7.99.

RIP Tura Satana

2011-02-06T17:23:00.004-05:00

1938-2011. What can I say? In a little over a year, we've lost Paul Naschy and Jean Rollin, now Tura Satana. This is what sucks about being thirty-something and loving movies from the 60's and 70's. I get to eventually see all my favorite performers and directors shuffle off this mortal coil. But they leave behind an astounding legacy that can still be enjoyed for decades after their passing. Tura's death is no different.

I first fell in love with Tura in FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL! KILL! But really, who didn't? Guy, girl, whatever. Satana's Varla was an equal mix dangerous and sexy, wanton and crazed, and I loved every second I got to see her on screen. It's all in those tight black jeans, generous cleavage and devil-may-care attitude that made her the ultimate bitch goddess. Someone to be scared of, worshipped, and emulated. I could never be the woman Varla is - vindictive, bombastic, and wild - but damn, I wish I could be!

I love her in ASTRO ZOMBIES, as well. That pink dress, reclining on the sofa, cigarette holder in hand, the side eye glare! Still as evil and as sexy as ever. Tura became her characters because she WAS her characters. It is hard for me to separate Tura from Varla or Tura from Satana (ASTRO ZOMBIES) because it's just so damn authentic. You could just tell, not having read any bio or anything, Tura had one hell of a life! And my boring life would never even come close. Not that I would necessarily want to be shot by my ex-lover or have Harold Lloyd take nude photos of me, but as long as I can live vicariously through Tura, I would be okay.

Thank you, Tura, for being an amazing woman, cinematically and otherwise. May you rest in peace.

VHS Additions SCORE

2011-01-27T23:04:00.006-05:00

Here are the new additions to our VHS collection:

THE NIGHT AFTER HALLOWEEN from Magnum Entertainment. Big box. I haven't seen this one, but I'm hoping it's the Ozsploitation cash in on HALLOWEEN, which is much sought after.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN'S CASTLE OF FREAKS. Another big box, but in a clamshell.

ALIEN PREDATOR from TransWorld. I know I've heard of this one, but I need more research.

THE RIPPER. Directed by Tom Savini. United World Home Video. Another big box. Can't turn down the big boxes.

THE PACK. Warner Home Video. Clamshell. Still beautiful even in that Warner Home Video packaging. Think I know of this one as well. It's gotta be werewolves. And I love me some werewolves.

KING KONG. A gatefold! From Paramount. We have ever version of any KING KONG movie known to man due an obsession of Sam's so this is extra special!

BAD GIRL'S DORMITORY. Active Home Video (?) It's a big box and it's uncut and it has bad girls and a dorm, so it's gotta be gold, right?

MASTER CLASSICS (Kung fu). Big box. USA Home Video.

SNAKE AND CRANE: ARTS OF SHAOLIN. All Seasons Entertainment. Big box.

SEVEN BLOWS OF THE DRAGON. Warner Home Video. Big box

DUEL OF THE SEVEN TIGERS. TransWorld. Big box.

SONNY CHIBA'S DRAGON PRINCESS. A&H Home Video.

SCORE, motherfuckers! It was the perfect night. We had some amazing Thai food and then went to the old school video store. It smells all gross and good like an old school video store should. And since they ain't doing so hot business-wise, they'll sell me their VHS for cheap. And it used to not be this way. I used to have to haggle and pretend I didn't know what the hell I was talking abut. I think we got all the aforementioned for like twenty bucks plus tax. Some horror for me and some Kung Fu and KONG for Sam. It's a beautiful thing! I don't even care about Kung Fu movies but if they're in a big box, I'm salivating!

And no Cavalcade post would be complete without a cat. Here's Moochie choosing his favorite of the new additions. He's going for THE RIPPER, the Tom Savini creation, because he's heard Tom's name before and wants to go for something he can talk about later and sound like he knows what he's talking about.

Moochie's like that.

Bigfoot

2011-01-27T21:51:00.002-05:00

This post is a reprisal, as it was presented at J. Astro's Screen Grab during SquatchFest.

BIGFOOT (1970). Sounds about as generic and unmenacing as possible, but throw in the fact that it has John Carradine as a scheming traveling salesman, was produced by Anthony Cardoza (of Beast of the Yucca Flats fame), and has a scene where a ‘squatch fights a bear and then subsequently decides to mate with a human woman! This movie alone is a SQUATCHFEST!

Let’s get started.

A beautiful blond arrives via her convertible at the airport. She mans her private plane and begins to fly out over the hills of Red Bluff, with nary an explanation. She encounters some engine trouble and her plane goes down somewhere in the mountains. She parachutes to relative safety but is almost immediately taken into the custody of a large and hairy creature intent on perhaps mating with her. At any rate, he’ll tie her up and see what Daddy has to say about it.

As our blond makes her descent and capture, two yokels, Jasper (Carradine) and Elmer are driving through the same mountains peddling their meager wares at general stores. They find their way to Bennett’s General Store deep in the mountains and run into some motorcyclists and their girlfriends stocking up for a weekend of debauchery. The bikers ride off and couple of them, Rick and Kris, take a break from the others for sexy times and bike mechanics. Kris wants to get it on, but Rick wants to work on his bike. Kris gets a little angry and wanders off bikini clad into the woods. She finds a Bigfoot graveyard and as soon as she can call Rick over to help her investigate, the creature in question has attacked! The thing makes off with a passed-out Kris and Rick returns to Bennett’s to phone the sheriff and get some help!

What follows is some crazy mad capering around the mountainside in search of Kris. Jasper and Elmer are enlisted to help the distraught lover in his quest to find his girlfriend, but Jasper seems to be in it more for the financial aspect, rather than helping any unfortunate lovely co-ed. Seriously, the Bigfeet capture the search party at one point, and tied to a tree, Jasper is still conniving on how to get a Bigfoot alive and into the carnival circuit. I gotta appreciate his tenacity, but damn.

Turns out, all in all, there’s about five Bigfeet and their Daddy, a nine foot tall behemoth who wants to have relations with a human woman. Our lovely pilot from the beginning has been tied up with this brutish clan for a moment and has come to have some astute observations about them, which she relates to Kris and her search party once everyone is captured. Seems several of the younger Bigfeet might have human mothers because they have different faces. Or something. The whole Bigfoot having sex with human women theme is here, but I wish it were explored further. Nothing says Bigfoot movie like a Bigfoot doing it with a human lady. That, and there seems to be a complete lack of female Bigfeet. They all seem to be dudes.

Then, completely out of nowhere, the Daddy Bigfoot fights a bear! And wins! I think this was for reals, too, in that a guy in a Bigfoot costume actually wrestles a live bear. And I thought a werewolf vs. a yeti was good. This was, gulp, way better. During the bear/Bigfoot showdown, the pilot blond gets loose and makes her hurried escape through the woods. The bikers arrive at the Bigfoot camp and set everyone free. Jasper manages to catch the littlest Bigfoot but also manages to loose him several minutes later. Everyone decides to leave. Roars are roared, shots are fired, dynamite is proffered, everything is blown to smithereens, except for our human characters and Jasper, always the business man, solicits the blond pilot to tell her story at carnivals, thus making them millions. FIN.

Good times. Great times, really. Bigfoot/bear showdowns, sexy times with creatures (even implied, I’ll take it!), liberal use of the words ‘varmint’ and ‘rascal,’ an over the top greedy John Carradine, Bigfoot’s use of weapons (hatchets), baby Bigfeet and Daddy Bigfeet, the fact that I get to say ‘Bigfeet’ over and over, and correlations to KING KONG. If I was feeling more scholarly, I might just have to argue this is a low budget dumbed down KONG, but I’m not particularly academic lately.

There you have it. Track it down. I believe it’s terribly difficult to find, I myself procuring it at a convention as a bootleg DVD in Baltimore many years ago. It should be an integral part of the Bigfoot canon.

Bigfoot rules.

Operation Mantis

2011-01-21T12:44:00.007-05:00

When I learned Paul Naschy directed a James Bondian spoof containing a scene in which he himself dons a leather jacket, head to toe studs, and a neon pink Mohawk and fronts a punk band (well, more of pop synth outfit) in which he sings a covert warning to his fellow operatives, I nearly died. Thus began my very difficult search for a playable copy of this, OPERATION MANTIS (1984). Sam managed to track down a Spanish language version on R0 DVD with no subtitles and we settled in for a pretty mediocre spy crime comedy starring Paul as a luchador turned special agent of the Spanish government hired to take down an all female secret organization hell bent on unleashing a toxic agent that will wipe out all the males on the planet.

It sounds wonderful, but in practice, eh, not so much. And some subtitles would have helped, being as how my Spanish is relegated mainly to the kitchen at work. I can ask for clean silverware but I'm afraid I can't really keep up when evil masked and corseted women toting machine guns plot to take over the world.

Highlights for this viewer include:

-Paul in a cape and red tights, showing off his body-building career pecs, fighting a guy with a hook for hand!

-The aforementioned masked women toting machine guns

-Paul in sheik garb smoking a hookah

-A fish caught in a swimming pool

-A topless girl-fight in a sauna

-Paul as suave and debonair as ever, even in a stupid comedy

-Gong ringing

-Paul in chains in his luchador outfit brought to a bevy of the evil women. The best part about this is that the girls are dressed as Indians, Little Red Riding Hood, and a Gypsy, accept slutty, topless versions

-Paul sucking on a pacifier

-Paul dressed as a sheik (again) in a cologne commercial

-Paul dressed as a mad monk in a candy commercial (I think)

-Paul refusing to snort cocaine from a poison ring

-A drunk in a Santa suit for no real reason, except who doesn't love a drunk in a Santa suit?

-Paul dressed as a clown (complete with red nose) fighting a man with a blender for a hand

-And of course, the punk scene! And it looks like Paul has actually shaved is head into the Mohawk! That, or otherwise it's a damn good bald/Mohawk wig.

This all sounds completely unhinged, and it is, but it doesn't succeed like I would have liked. The comedy is sophomoric; almost like a Spanish PORKY's, without the really overt sex humor. Despite its premise, it's still completely misogynistic and as the women parade around topless and fight each other, there seems no real point to all the nudity. There's no real feminist statement here, but why would there be? The plot is sloppy and it's all just supposed to be for fun. But honestly, without Paul, this would have sucked more than anything could have ever sucked.

Naschy himself loathes the film and calls it the 'biggest mistake of my life.' It was apparently a very expensive ordeal and thusly, a box office flop. It bankrupted the production company and Paul never recouped his losses. Paul's father died shortly after the film was a financial disaster, thus beginning a great downfall in Paul's career. He is also noted describing the picture as, 'the great failure of my career; the film that ruined me and was for me a disaster, nearly fatal for the tremendous displeasure it brought me.' That certainly sums it up.

It could be viewed as ahead of its time, as a spoof, but it really does fail on all fronts. If it didn't have a damn punk Paul Naschy in it, I would have never sought it out. It was worth the price of admission based on this ridiculous scene and it's fun to see Paul out of his usual horror element. It's a testament to his talent that he can carry such a ridiculous thing all the way. Then again, I'd probably watch a tape of Paul sleeping for eight hours and not get bored, so I might perhaps be a bit biased.

Deniro

2011-01-04T18:39:00.003-05:00

I wanted to take some cute pictures of Deniro and myself. Nir, as we call her, doesn't get much airplay on the blog because Moochie and Soap Sud always usurp her here, as they do in real life. Poor Nir - she always is the last to eat, get treats, and the catnip is always finished by the time she gets there. The photo shoot did not go so well and she tried to jump over my head. She then proceeded to get back up on the table and cleanse the human stink from her clawless paws. I love this cat. She doesn't meow - she says 'Nyang!'

MONSTER

2011-01-02T01:50:00.004-05:00

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I don't really know shit about hip hop or Kanye or whatever, but I do know that this is is some HOSTEL meets some vampire shit meets some NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD meets some Kanye West ego mess and I would like to post it here just because. And because I can change the lyrics easily to meet cat criteria. 'Let me see some PAWS at the concert!' Enjoy!

Happy Anniversary to ME!

2010-12-29T12:20:00.002-05:00

It's that time again, blog birfday/anniversary time! The Cavalcade turns two today! Another year of blogging and friends and weirdness and good stuff all around. I hate (New Year's) Resolutions (I resolve to remain AWESOME), but hopefully I'll have some good stuff in store for year number three and vow to keep it weird and wonderful, as always.

Let's recap. Some filmic highlights from last year include:

1. A summer of decent horror on the big screen. I love going to the movies and we went a LOT over the summer. I'm not saying THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE or PREDATORS are on my next top ten list, but they kept us in our seats and we weren't bored.

2. Seeing SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT on a big screen, with an audience, MST style. Very cool, indeed, although there was one guy in the audience that didn't get it, and told the guys with the microphones to 'shut the FUCK UP! I'm trying to watch the FUCKING movie!' There was some shuffling and then he was expelled from the theatre. This was almost as entertaining as the jokes.

3. Crispin Glover on tour with his film, WHAT IS IT? A surreal experience and one I've wanted to experience for a decade. Crispin came to Richmond, read from some of his found object books and screened the film. Freakin' fantastic.

4. The Paul Naschy blog-a-thon. Such an excellent outpouring of all things Naschy from all over the blog-i-verse. I had no idea so many people loved Paul. It brings tears to the eyes.

5. Snow days, last January and this December, and plenty of movie marathons as a result.

I'm sure there's more, but I've only been awake twenty minutes and only had one coffee, so if I think of anything else, I'll let you know :) Here's to another great year and hoping everyone's holidays are going well. Almost over! Then we can put away the black tree and the rat nativity and go back to being miserable for some other reason ;P

Love you!

Happy Krampus!

2010-12-24T00:24:00.003-05:00

And Merry Fishmus from all of us at the Cavalcade! On behalf of me, Moochie, Tuna, Bela, October, Deniro, Soap Sud, and Sam, we all wish you a great holiday with much wine and many horror movie marathons! Eat lots and drink more, and remember, it's not Xmas unless the tree falls on top of someone, preferably your grandma. Push that shit over if you have to. I love you guys and will see you next week!

SQUATCHFEST

2010-12-16T02:04:00.002-05:00

Romans and countrypeople, lend me your Bigfoot-loving ears! My pal J. Astro, formally of the Cheap Bin, and now the proprietor of the store front known as Screen Grab, is spearheading a blog-a-thon on the almighty Yeti. And, as added incentive, as if multiple posts about all sorts of 'squatch related cinematic atrocities didn't get you goin', I may have a bit of a role in this mayhem. So check it out and tell Astro I sent ya.

Night of 1000 Cats

2010-12-06T14:44:00.005-05:00

It's no secret I love cats. And it's no secret I love horror movies. Hell, I even love Hugo Stiglitz just a little bit. He's like a one-note low-rent Mexican Paul Naschy, and he still gets the hot chicks. And he looks bad ass in big sunglasses. So if this one of those Venn diagram thingies, I would, by default, have to love the 1972 Rene Cardona, Jr. flick, NIGHT OF 1000 CATS. And I'm in luck, because I do!

Simple premise as far as out-there movies go. Mysteriously wealthy, monastery-inheriting, psychopathic playboy (Stiglitz) flies around all day in his helicopter peeping on beautiful women in their backyards in order to lure them back to his crumbling compound for sexy times, horseback riding, water skiing, swimming, and murder most foul. The purpose of murdering these lovelies is two-fold - one - Hugo is quite the collector (a trait, he explains, spans generations in his family) and he needs their heads for his collection. Second, ever the collector, he also has about a thousand felines, give or take, who enjoy eating human meat. And those cats are hungry. Hugo gets his (in more ways than one) and the cats get to eat. Win, win.

Things get going right away with the introduction of the lovely Krista, a blond Hugo has been wining and dining. Hugo woos her back round to his to meet Dorgo, his Tor Johnson-like assistant and groundskeeper of the monastery and show us his 'collection.' After a strange dinner of Dorgo's special 'meat' - Krista is led to the room where the jars are kept. He kisses her, assures her, 'don't worry, they're made of wax', and then brutally strangles her. He then dons a bathrobe, grinds her body up, feeds it to the cats, tastes a little himself, and calls it a day.

With Krista a permanent fixture in the collection, Hugo begins courting a young mother, Cathy. He flits around in his copter all day, dropping dolls from parachutes out of the whirlybird for Cathy's little girl and basically winning her over this way. Cathy's married, but her husband is out of town on business frequently, so she gives into Hugo's advances. Cathy and Hugo engage is some sex in the taxidermy room - 'he enjoyed stuffing them more than killing them!' Prophetic, non? (Oh, I wish I had a monastery I could outfit with a taxidermy room!) Then Hugo decides to show Cathy his collection. The couple is interrupted by a knock on the door. A doctor has broken down on his way to see a patient, can he use the phone? Cathy's gotta go anyway, and so Hugo is forced to make do with the doctor for his collection.

Now, I have an army of cats and I know how they can be, especially during feeding times. Sometimes you just have to take what's available or they will get out of control. I know Hugo would personally rather dispatch of Cathy because something about the combination of sex and killing is appealing, but in this case, I guess it's not entirely about Hugo. And it's not all for naught, because Dorgo gets to keep the doctor's stethoscope to play with.

Hugo decides to forget about Cathy for a few moments, and focus on some other women. Seriously, this dude has so many chicks lined up, it's unreal. They appear in such numbers and are such non-actresses in many occasions, it's often hard to keep up. It makes the head hurt. But if you really want something to make your head hurt, how about the editing of the scene where Hugo remembers his first piece of his collection?

He begins by stroking his polar bear (an actual stuffed polar bear in the taxidermy room, pervs) and gazing longingly at a particular head in a jar. Flashback to a horse and buggy ride and some skeet shooting with another blond. Hugo likes this one and warns Dorgo away from her. He's going to give her a ring that has been in his family for centuries. We get to see this twice. The polar bear petting, the longing gaze, the horse and buggy, the skeet, the everything. And this movie is only an hour and five minutes long! It just adds to the fun for me. Sam got up after that and went to make tea.

The flashback ends badly, obviously, with Dorgo frightening the girl and as she runs away in painful slow-motion with plenty of up-skirt shots, Dorgo ends up spearing her with a giant pair of garden shears. What's a heartbroken young lover like Hugo to do? Why, put her head in a pickling jar and begin murdering other beauties, all in the name of misbegotten love, I'm assuming.

Still worried about Cathy, the one that got away, Hugo is plagued with nightmares of Cathy's little girl sleeping and cats creeping around in the night. He drowns his sorrows with a shapely brunette and when he's about to ask her back to the monastery, she gets a call from her sugar daddy and has to run.

Those cats ain't going to feed themselves. so Hugo challenges Dorgo to a chess game and when Dorgo gets check mate, into the cat pit he goes. It's a shame really, because Dorgo seems to be having a lot of fun and I was sorry to see him go. But even a deadpan killing of a loyal servant doesn't sate our anti-hero and he's still having headaches about Cathy. To kills his sorrow, he tries harpooning a scantily clad young thing, but then winds up drowning her after a quick jungle chase.

I must interject here that Hugo doesn't really seem to enjoy the killing so much. He is so stoic in all his actions, it's hard to tell if he's enjoying it, doing it out of some sort of compulsion, or merely as a way a life. And where the fuck did he get all those cats? And how will he care for them all since he killed Dorgo? Also, he doesn't particularly fear getting caught either. He's persistent and creepy, flying that helicopter all over town, spying on women as they exit their showers and creepily rubbing his beard. It's all very unsettling.

Cathy decides to give him another shot and goes back to the monastery. Hugo insists on showing her the collection again and upon seeing it, she's not very impressed, and smashes a large brandy snifter into Hugo's handsome face. Then she grabs a spear in an attempt to kill her would-be captor, but the cats begin to escape! Sensing Hugo's facial wound, they attack in a swarm, in a scene straight out of a Hoarders episode from Hell. The cats keep a'comin', but Cathy has enough time to reach her car and escape!

Pan back inside where there's one empty jar. For Hugo! Or perhaps.....for you! The End.

I love this fucking movie. I have the tshirt and the poster and the clamshell VHS copy. I watch it five to six times a year and it never gets old. It's ludicrous enough to elicit laughter, yet everyone plays it stalk straight, with perhaps the exception of Dorgo. Hugo Stiglitz is even kinda sexy, although I wouldn't be climbing aboard his helicopter any time soon. It's from the seventies, has cats, and not really all that much violence towards cats, which is something I'm usually worried about in my horror watching and otherwise, especially in a movie called NIGHT OF 1000 CATS. You have to figure one or two gets the hook. I do kinda worry about them at the end, though. With Hugo and Dorgo dead, how are they going to get their dead person meat?

At one hour and five minutes, it ain't gonna waste too much of your precious time and it's silly enough to make your head hurt. I like that in movie. Make my frontal lobes ache, movie! And be from the seventies! And feature cats! That is all.

My Naschy Stuff

2010-11-30T16:24:00.009-05:00

Naschy-a-thon continues here at the Cavalcade, (as well as all over the horror blog-i-verse, which is truly awesome) with a handful of Paul-related items I have scattered about my house. First up, we have my original poster from Spain for REVENGE OF THE MUMMY, which I featured here when I received it. It's still in my foyer and it still looks fantastic and brings me happiness every time I take off my shoes. (You have to take off your shoes in the foyer before you come into the rest of the house.)

Next up, is my one sheet for WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN, a favorite title of mine. I bought this as a present for someone and then when it arrived, I decided to keep it for myself. I'm a lousy gift giver, because I always want to keep everything for myself.

Thirdly, is me in my MARCA DEL HOMBRE LOBO shirt, which is about five sizes too big, but I rock it anyway. Here, I'm about to go to my kickboxing class. I even represent Hombre Lobo at the gym, mofos! The amazing Jon Kitley has these shirts for sale, amongst some other great titles you can't find anywhere else at his site, Kitley's Krypt. And he's down with the blog-a-thon, so you should check him out. His collection of Naschy-a-bilia is as incredible as it is gorgeous.

I have a Naschy inspired tattoo, which I blogged about here when I got it. It's still there and I still love it.

And, the newest addition to my collection:

This utterly gorgeous print by Gary Pullin of Rue Morgue Magazine of the Mighty Molina in Paul form and in Hombre Lobo form. My picture truly doesn't do it justice. Head on over to Gary's Etsy page to snag your own or to get some other truly incredible horror inspired artwork. I have my eye on the Coffin Joe print next!

I'm so overwhelmed this week with all the fantastic stuff to read and the outpouring of love for Paul, I actually turned down a bar shift tonight! I just don't have time and my heart wouldn't be in it. That, and it's Tequila Night, which is always annoying (four dollar tequilas make the world go crazy!) I'd much rather curl up with Jacinto and some tempranillo. And maybe a cat or two. Now, on with more Naschy-ly goodness!

Showing Off and Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T15:41:00.006-05:00

I just had to show off these pics of my new scooter - a 1963 Lambretta! With original paint! I'm so excited! Add one more vintage vehicle to my collection! Also, have a picture of Moochie fitting into a tiny box. It took him twenty minutes to figure this out. And he stayed like this awhile.

Happy Thanksgiving if I don't get around to posting tomorrow. Do it up right - consume a week's worth of calories in one day and drink until you pass out crying because now Christmas is really only like a month away and you have no excuses for not seeing your family.

That is all. Unless you want to tell me what horror movies you'll be watching before, during, and after copious amounts of vittles.
I've got more Naschy lined up, as well as some Sasquatch related atrocities and maybe a She-Beast thrown in there for good measure.

Love you guys!

Crimson

2010-11-23T21:18:00.010-05:00

We continue our romp through the Mighty Molina's career with the French genre hodgepodge , CRIMSON aka Las Ratas No Duerman en la Noche (THE RATS DON'T SLEEP AT NIGHT), a far more profound sounding title than CRIMSON, but hey, whaddayagonnado?

At first I think this might be the Naschy answer to RESEVOIR DOGS, as the film opens with a botched jewel heist and the perpetrators, a band of career criminals - Jack Surmett (Naschy), Henry, the old dude and second in command, Paul, the bald suave one, and Karl, the ugly bumbling idiot - fleeing the scene. The police pursue the gang and Surmett gets shot in the head. His cohorts race to get him to their hideout as he bleeds all over the back of the getaway car.

Upon arriving at the hidey hole, they telephone Surmett's sexy blond girlfriend, Ingrid, and have her bring drunk and inept Dr. Reider to help save Surmett's life. Reider is so passed out from the drink, it takes quite a bit of effort to convince him to come help their boss. Reider (you can almost smell the scotch on his breath watching him) doesn't think there's too much he can do for Surmett and suggests the hospital, which of course, is out of the question, being as how they just botched a jewel robbery and and it's implied it wasn't their first. (Side note: the alarm wasn't supposed to go off. They had it planned to the letter. That's just Surmett's way, so it's totally odd that the thing went off in the first place and they're in this predicament.)

Reider does know a reclusive genius scientist in a remote isolated village that might be able to help Surmett. So it's settled. The crew will set off to Professor Thys' country house and coerce him into helping their leader. When they arrive, creepy butler Pierre welcomes them, stating Thys is in his lab where he spends most of his nights. I take this as a good sign. Any scientist, mad or otherwise, should spend countless night time hours in his lab.

We meet the Professor, looking like a young George Romero, and it seems he has suffered some sort of accident in the lab during the course of his experiments and no longer has the use of his hands. His lovely wife Anna, with the cutest blond pixie cut I have ever seen, now helps him in his work at his direction. The couple also has a young daughter, Nathalie, who will come in handy here in a minute.

The professor takes a quick look at Surmett and decides straight away that he'll need a brain transplant to survive the shooting. Henry decides to hunt down a brain in Surmett's worst enemy, The Sadist (that's this character's name!), a nightclub owner and all around sleaze bucket who Ingrid was at one time involved with. This seems like the best idea because the rest of the gang isn't offering up their own brains any time soon.

The professor and Anna have some moral obligations regarding what these thugs are asking them to do and find it against their general constitution to consort with murderers. Henry does the only reasonable thing so they'll comply - he kidnaps Nathalie and demands the couple perform the operation. Geez, Henry sure is loyal. You'd think he'd just want to Surmett to go away so he could become the new leader of the heists. But no, the loyalty here is downright astounding. I hope if I'm ever in the middle of a botched jewel heist and get shot in the head, my friends are as tremendously loyal as these guys.

There's an elaborate nightclub performance smack in the middle of this that I'm finding difficulty describing. Two male dancers and a female gymnast type perform an almost operatic dance routine involving all manner of ballet, Russian folk dance, some calistheics, and a story line that may or may not include jealous lovers. It's a doozy and it's seemingly out of nowhere, but then we learn this is just a segue into meeting The Sadist, as they are auditioning for one of his night clubs.

The Sadist is impressed with the dancing (I really think he just likes the female dancer - she's limber enough) and decides to take in a poker game. However, The Sadist's idea of a poker game is inviting a few friends over, pulling guns and knives on them and taking all their money. Hey, it's all in a day's work for The Sadist. I wish my name was The Sadist. Hi, I'm The Sadist, nice to meet you.

After the card game, The Sadist leaves, but not without Karl and Paul hot on his trail. Apparently, awhile ago, Ingrid, Surmett's girlfriend, was sexually involved with The Sadist. As he leaves the club, Ingrid approaches him and lures him into an alley to rekindle their relationship. Never trust a pretty face, The Sadist! Shouldn't you know that after years of being The Sadist? You would think someone named The Sadist would know all about the wiles of woman. Ingrid really doesn't want anything to do with her ex; it's all a trap to get his brain! Paul shoots The Sadist and they load him into their van.

Now, what about removing the head? No one wants to, because, seriously, they can rip off jewelry stores but they didn't bargain for morgue work! There's some silly banter and back and forth between Karl and Paul until it's decided. They will behead the body via moving train!!!! And this works! They place The Sadist's corpse just so on some train tracks, wait a few minutes, a train comes by, and voila! Head removed and rolled right into their waiting paws.

Back at the professor's, Anna is able to remove the bullet from Surmett's head. The operation is going to be a success and the Thys' will get their daughter back and everyone will be happy. Right? Wrong! Willy, The Sadist's right hand man, has read in the paper about a headless corpse. That, and he can't find The Sadist anywhere. Oh, and Henry and the crew send the brainless head of gift wrapped to The Sadist's wife, Barbara. Willy swears revenge...

Meanwhile, Surmett has woken up and is making out with Ingrid in his hospital bed. You know Naschy - nothing like a little brain transplant to stop him from getting it on. But mid-make out, he starts to want to strangle Ingrid. He tells her of the nightmares he's been and then sends her away. He wants to be alone because he's not feeling quite right.

Ingrid goes to get Dr. Reider while Willy is desperate to make good on The Sadist's death. A girl selling flowers tips Willy off to Paul and Karl following The Sadist and Willy manages to kidnap Ingrid and Reider. Willy then calls Barbara to torture Ingrid into the details of Surmett's whereabouts. They burn her with cigarettes and one of Willy's thugs rapes her. They threaten to turn her body into a 'giant sore' if she doesn't spill the info.

We've now reached pretty much the hour mark and I'm a little disappointed because there hasn't been too much Naschy yet. It's all buildup, gangster stuff, and just a dash of Frankensteinian mad science (implications of the experiment - a breakthrough, but at what cost!?) I'm optimistic though, because Thys thinks Surmett is well on his way to recovery.

Willy beats up Dr. Reider and sends him back to Thys' house. He confesses what has happened to Ingrid and then dies. There's no time to feel sorry or cry for the mob doc because Surmett is up walking around with a sexy white bandage wrapped around his head and wearing a very tight blue shirt. He's so far so good, but feels 'different.' Thys and Anna have some sort of treatment they want to administer to him, but Willy and Barbara show up and hang Paul from a tree and Barbara sexes up Surmett (he is part The Sadist, after all). He has the same perverse desires, he tells her, so she allows him to strangle her and then they do it.

We also come to find out during this melee that Karl is the one that fucked up the robbery in the first place, tripping another alarm while he tried to make off with some (fake) pearls for himself. Henry's pissed, Paul is dead, the rival gang is on the loose, Surmett's become perverted, and everything is basically falling to shit for everyone.

But that doesn't mean Surmett doesn't have time for a little more sex with cute paper girl, Emmy, and by sex, I most definitely mean rape. After his tryst with Barb, Surmett takes off after Emmy into the woods, but Karl and Henry break it up and almost talk him out of his craziness.

Surmett decides he can't live like The Sadist. But honestly, how is he really any different? We don't rightly know, since we don't really know Surmett, but if The Sadist and him were in cahoots enough that they were sworn enemies, they had to have run in the same circles, and therefore been equally maniacal? I don't know. It's Paul Naschy, so of course he's going to be more likable and humane than some sleazoid with a mustache called The Sadist.

Long story short, Surmett goes back to the chateau, tries to fondle and kill Anna, she stabs him with a syringe filled with 'treatment' and then puts his head through a glass door. Non-plussed, Surmett finds a gun, has a shoot out with police, takes a few bullets, and dramatically falls to his death. The ordeal is over for everyone, most everyone that should be dead is, and the Thyses can go on with their lives.

The ending happens at breakneck speed and I still can't help feeling a little sad that we weren't treated to more Naschy here. However, I highly recommend the bonus erotic features on the DVD. If they had been left in, we'd get to see what Naschy does best and that's get along really well with females :) There's even a lesbian scene between Barbara and Ingrid which delves into threesome territory. Can you imagine what Ingrid's torture scene would have been like if this sleazy footage had been left in? And the sex scene between Barb and Surmett is way more explicit on these extra features! The movie would have been twice as long and mostly sex instead of mostly gangster caper stuff! Oh well. I would love to see this in its uncut glory - it would have made it ten times as trashy and much, much more memorable! Surmett actually does rape the paper girl! And she doesn't look old enough to even appear nude here! What is taken out leaves the film with a much more implied sexuality than what actually does take place if these scenes were left in.

If you're a Naschy completist, go for it with this one. You could do worse, like MYSTERY ON MONSTER ISLAND, with his blink and you'd miss it cameo. The death scene at the end is memorable enough and Paul looks kinda cute all wrapped up in bandages.

Let the blog-a-thon continue!

Hunchback of the Morgue

2010-11-22T14:45:00.010-05:00

I thought I would kick off the Paul Naschy Blog-a-Thon with one of my favorite testaments to Naschy's talent as an actor - HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. The film opens as revelers (if they were modern day, they'd be your quintessential douche bags) within a pub challenge each other to a drinking contest with the biggest beers I have ever seen. I'm talking at least eighty ounces here. Our sweet hunchback, Gotho (Naschy), looms outside, watching the party unfold. The winner of the drinking contest leaves the pub, sees Gotho and insults him, based solely on his hunchbackery. So we have the set up of poor, old downtrodden and abused Gotho.

Gotho keeps himself busy by sawing up cadavers in the local morgue while thunderstorms rage and pining after a lovely, terminally ill woman, Ilse, who he has been friends with since childhood. Ilse likes that Gotho visits her in the hospital and brings her flowers, but she's clearly just the nice, pretty girl who just wants to be friends. In the first true pathos of the film, it's obvious how much Gotho loves Ilse. It's a real tearjerker. The first time around I thought how peculiar of a role this is for Naschy. Usually he's the robust, strong one, having the ladies fall at his feet, not the other way around. At times he's so sympathetic you want to weep for him; others he's kinda sorta evil.

After a visit with Ilse, Gotho leaves to resume work at the morgue, when some rowdy youths taunt him and throw rocks at him in the street. He runs into a beautiful doctor, Dr. Elke, who saves him from the kids and bandages his cuts. He repays her by kissing her feet, but not before he tells her about his love for Ilse. You know, so he doesn't feel guilty about the foot fetish thing he's about to do.

But such is Gotho's life, not only kids make fun of him, but medical students, too. They're such total assholes as all Gotho is doing is going about his business, so it's not his fault that he winds up strangling one of them and fighting all the others in true Naschy fashion. Go, Gotho, go!

But after this triumph, there is defeat, because Ilse shuffles off this mortal coil soon after Gotho's beatdown. He places roses on her body (another tear-jerker of a scene) and then retires to his morgue. In a severely cruel moment, orderlies bring Ilse's corpse to the morgue for Gotho to prepare for the dissection room - so those same assholes that beat him up can watch in the name of their medical degrees! Gotho responds by beating the shit out of the orderlies and escapes with Ilse's body to an underground dungeon, riddled with skeletons, gaslights, and chains.

He promises Ilse's body he'll be back after he delivers some roses to one who doubted her beauty, one Hans, another medical student. He winds up suffocating Hans to death with the bouquet, because, you know, that's kind of what he deserves. Gotho returns to the crypt and rats have infested the joint, covering Ilse's body for the meal of their lifetimes. It's Naschy vs. the Flying Rats for a few moments, and woudn't you know some of then are aflame? In interviews regarding this scene, which had a large impact on the audience when the film was screened, Naschy maintains the rats used in this sequence were as terrifying as they were real. The studio had apparently captured the rats in the sewer and then starved them for a time. When they let them loose on the set, they were able to jump super high while biting and thrashing, searching for anything to eat. It, obviously, wasn't one of his favorite scenes to shoot, as he got bit several times.

Gotho has a 'friend' in Dr. Orla, a mad scientist type back at the hospital. He hopes to have Orla help him bring Ilse back to life, but of course, the good doctor wants something in return. There's a particularly creepy scene where Gotho is hiding on a gurney under a sheet behind the doctor at the hospital while he works. He rises slowly, and you're not sure who is hiding there. Then we know it's Gotho, but the doctor is hardly startled. It's weird but chilling and I'm sure something Naschy put there purposefully.

So Gotho explains the situation and the doc agrees, but only if Gotho moves the entire laboratory into the subterranean cave/crypt, which we come to find out in a moment of foreshadowing, was used during the Inquisition. You see, Orla has come under a bit of scrutiny for his strange experiments involving the creation of artificial life and his funds have been cut, so he has no real problem moving his work to an underground lair and continuing his experiments outside the framework of the law. (I love a damn lab in a secret location, as well as doc's science talk - analyzing amino acids and unaltered protein structures! Woo!) The deal is set.

Gotho sets up a pretty amazing and impressive lab down below, complete with a pit of boiling acid. One of the assistants fucks up and puts Ilse into the acid bath, at which point, Gotho returns the favor and has the assistant take a dip. He takes the liberty of putting another one into an Iron Maiden and has another one's face get really acquainted with the floor. Hey, in these kinds of movies, assistants should expect this kind of treatment.

Some more of my much beloved science talk takes place - 'science is unpredictable!' - 'one giant plasmoidal cell is beginning to differentiate the organs!' and we get a glimpse of what Orla's been working on - a giant pulsating organ thing in a big glass jar! It's pretty fantastic, but Gotho decides he wants to stop working for the doc because Ilse's body is no more. Gotho's feeling guilty for what has transpired but Orla says he can build a new Ilse for Gotho, but first things first, he needs a fresh head. So Gotho decides to comply, severs a head, elludes police, and brings the head back to Orla in a bag.

Another interesting anecdote from Naschy himself, is that the head they were going to use was actually real! There was a cadaver brought in that was due to be dissected shortly and the people in charge intimated the cast and crew could do what they liked with it. Naschy knocked back a couple whiskies, picked up the knife, then panicked. He couldn't get past the first cut so a wax duplicate was brought in and that's what we actually see in the film. Could you imagine! Real rats AND a real decapitation! Overload!

Apparently, the morgue where they were shooting had a supervisor who had been repeatedly accused of necrophilia and corpse defilement and had severe sulfuric acid burns on his hands. They should have cast him the movie! He insisted on showing Paul the new 'guests' every morning. 'The dead are wonderful,' he would say. 'They never complain!' This guy wound up as the inspiration for the macabre butler in HOWL OF THE DEVIL, portrayed by the great Howard Vernon.

Gotho's pretty stressed so he goes to see the pretty lady doctor, Elke. He kisses on her feet a little bit more to get things started and then she makes out with him. It's a quick cut and I'm wondering what might have been cut here. A sex scene? We know Naschy and even in hunchback form, he's going to get some. While it's implied here that he and Elke are up to some sexy stuff, we don't get to see it. Yet. I know you are chomping at the bit to see some hunchback sex! Perverts!

Orla's making some progress back at the lab-or-a-tory and this is evidenced by him shoving the severed head Gotho brought him elbow deep into the jar full of artificially grown organs. It's so awesome! I could watch a mad scientist shove a severed head into a giant jar of artificially grown organs all day every day and not get bored! That, and I love how mad scientists all think they're above the law.

The guts and things are nearing transformation, so the doc has to lock it all in a cell because it breaks out of the jar. This is what he labels 'a success.' Gotho has been assigned the task of care and feeding of the 'success' so he has to kidnap a woman and feed her to it. It's around about this point where I really want to know if Gotho does what he does out of his love for Ilse, a woman he deep down knows would never really go for him or if he's got a sub-level IQ, something that is implied early on, or is it something else? What is Gotho's motivation? He's not simply the stock character 'Hunchback,' assisting the mad doctor for a paycheck. He's the protagonist; Orla we could really care less about. He's not even all that great as a mad scientist, in that his delivery is kind of ho-hum, and his madness restrained and weak, at best. Orla just doesn't have enough of the crazy, he's not sweaty enough, and he doesn't grapple with morals. As far as mad scientists go, he's kind of forgettable, which is fine, because this is really more Gotho's story anyway. It kinda flips the whole mad scientist/hunchback thing on it's hump (forgive), and it's because this is the Naschy show and it's all about the Naschy (which is more than fine by me!).

Gotho, feeling guilty and down, goes to visit Elke and confesses he still loves Ilse. Elke doesn't really care and kisses Gotho again. And here comes the hunchback sex! No cuts this time! But then it's back to the grind, as the doc wants to get some girls from the local reformatory ('they're garbage anyway!') to feed to the humanoid. There's some business with the police and some other doctor couple from the hospital who find themselves Orla's prisoners, but what I really want to see is the finished humanoid, because the doc has kept him hidden for far too long now and it sure does bellow a lot! We aren't kept waiting long and the slimy primordial thing lumbers out from its cell! It's like a swampy mess but still pretty impressive, although I don't really know why you would need human flesh to create such a thing. It just seems to ooze all over the place, but hey, I'm no mad scientist so what the fuck do I know?

Dr. Elke happens to wander into the cave at the point where the creature has been let out and Orla wants to feed her to the thing. Gotho won't let him have her, he's lost too much already and Orla and Gotho get into a fight! Orla shoot Gotho and the doc passes out, although I would have rather seen him go into the acid pit. Gotho releases all the prisoners and wrestles with the creature, culminating in his demise, as well as the creature's, but falling into the acid. FIN (and it really does say FIN, which I appreciated).

So, there we have it! HUNCHBACK OF THE MORGUE. Good times, no? I had uproarious fun watching this for what I think was the third or fourth time. Everything that makes up literary Gothicism is at play in this wonderful film! I can't help thinking of the films of James Whale, the short stories of Poe and Lovecraft, even the tightly woven narratives of Maupassant when I watch Naschy in action here. This movie is Paul in all his glory, stripped away from the pretenses of prior machismo characters. He's a sad hunchback, a new man of a thousand faces, and truly repulsive, yet endearing. At times sinister and defying the laws of what is morally upstanding, Naschy exhibits a love undying, an exaggerated romantic nature, and a loyalty among anything else, handled expertly, with flair and panache.

Gotho, although physically deformed, is a gentle, trustworthy, and kind soul whose acts of selflessness go unrewarded and punished with acts of severe cruelty. Ostracized and maligned, yet sensitive and sweet, this is truly one of Naschy's zeniths! He's at his absolute finest here and this is the film that should put him right up there with Chaney, Sr., Karloff, and Lee. At times you want to cry for him and others chide him for his graveyard crimes, but never do you stop feeling for him. If anyone needs a true testament to this great actor's talent, tell them to watch this. It's a bit more linear than some of the Daninsky efforts, in that it is a bit more restrained (if that's the right word for a hunchback movie involving mad scientists, slimy humaniods, and acid pits), but wholly entertaining nonetheless.

I love you, Paul. Thank you for your amazing legacy. You are truly missed.

Werewolf Woman

2010-11-19T18:15:00.004-05:00

Poor Daniela. She was raped by a brute at age 13 and her family has a history of lycanthropy. Nevermind that she looks just like her great great aunt, furthering her delusions she's a bonafide werewolf. She's been having nightmares where she wolfs out and kills pilgrims, after dancing naked in a ring of fire (a very fine opening scene).

Daniela's wealthy daddy is concerned, moves her out to his Italian country home, and enlists the help of a doctor to figure out what the hell can cure Daniela from her mind. The doctor spends most of his time musing upon the obvious, such as, Daniela has sexual phobias because of her rape. Oh, really, doc? Why ever would you suspect that? And, Daniela is obsessed with antiques and old documents because she spends most of her time in the attic. Okay. Sure. Whatever you say.

Daniela does seem to get a little better after the doc's visit, but pretty redhead sister Irena decides to pay a visit from America where she's been studying Nuclear Physics. She brings her very masculine new hubby and fellow nuclear scientist, Fabian, to meet Daddy and Daniela. Daniela is instantly attracted to Fabian but since she has sexual phobias and all, she retires to her room quickly after dinner on the pretense that she's tired. There's a full moon after all.

Irena and Fabian decide to retire as well and end up naked in bed together. They're married, so it's okay. Daniela hears their lovemaking session and, in her extremely flimsy (read: completely see-through) nightgown, spies on the newlyweds, only after she sees a bloody vision of herself (?) and has a komodo dragon crawl around on her body (double ?). She touches herself a bit outside their bedroom door and then makes her way out into the night.

Fabian hears a door slam and leaves his lovely bride to go investigate. Daniela sees a vision of her dead relative she is supposed to resemble in front of a skeleton with a still human face attached. Another vision? It's never explained. Daniela then begins hyperventilating, but sees Fabian, strips nude, and calls him to her. She kisses him deeply and pulls him down to the ground, and instead of a sex session, she goes ahead and rips his throat out with her teeth and then rolls the body into a ravine!

Next cut and Daniela's confined (read: restrained) to a hospital bed in a mental ward. The doctors thinks she's suffering from nocturnal schizophrenia because they can't find anything else physically wrong with her, her symptoms seem to be those suffered by teens in puberty, but Daniela's an adult. Wow, doctor, thanks again for that sage observation.

Irena and Daddy come to see Daniela and Daniela gives the performance of the movie when she tells Irena, 'You liked Fabian. You liked making love with him! You were obscene! Disgusting! But you liked it! I hate you, you whore! Go fuck yourself! Whore!'That's pretty much what I'm going to say to the judge next time I go to court or maybe next time I'm in a really long line at the post office. Daniela has a total meltdown right there and it's freaking awesome. And I thought it was cool when she got all wolfie on Fabian.

She freaks out again when the nurse won't release her from her restraints. 'Damn you, you whore, you pig! You murderer!' It's another epic freakout. I'm beginning to really like Daniela.

The night, the nymphomaniac in the room next door to Daniela's dresses up in sexy black lingerie and red pumps and garish makeup and goes over to Daniela's 'to get to know her.' She rubs all over Daniela's restrained body and promises to release her, but not until after she goes down on her. Daniela bites her, but the girl releases her anyway, and gets scissors to the back of her neck as a thank you! So much for psycho lesbian hospital sex!

On the loose, Daniela steals a red raincoat and hides in a pretty doctor's car. Once on the road, Daniela pummels the doc's face into the steering wheel until it's a bloody pulp, the car crashes and she's free! She sneaks over to a nearby barn were a couple is getting it on and of course, ever the voyeur, Daniela spies on them. The lovers part ways eventually (it was a pretty long sex scene) and Daniela rips out the girls throat with her teeth.

The girl's body winds up in the morgue where the same two detectives that examined Fabian's body notice some similar injuries. The dumber of the two detectives muses about a story he used to hear his grandma tell about if you were born on Christmas, you'd probably become a werewolf (something I had never heard before). This information for some reason leads the smart of the two detectives to Daniela's dad, and they want to find her immediately.

Meanwhile, Daniela breaks into a house and steals some clothes and hitchhikes with an older gent who she gives a sob story about a husband that beats her to explain all her bruises and cuts. He immediately invites her to move in with him, but guess what happens when he wants to have sex with her? Yep, she bashes his head into a bedpost until it's unrecognizable. He did use this pickup line on her. 'Come on, ya big whore! I'm gonna rape ya!' How she could resist, I have no idea.

After killing this dude, she gets picked up by a movie stuntman, who fixes her dinner and relinquishes his bedroom to her, opting to sleep downstairs. This is obviously a decent fellow and Daniela decides to stop thinking she's a werewolf for awhile and allows herself to fall in love with him. She watches him and pretends to shoot him while he practices his stunts, they have sex, they get in the ocean with all their clothes on, have more sex, you know, stuff you do when you love someone.

Daniela decides to call her dad to tell him about her boyfriend, but at the pay phone, she garners the attention of a shady character. He's shady because he has a mustache. He, and three of his friends, follow her home and brutally rape her on the stairs and in the room she shares with her boyfriend. In the midst of this, the boyfriend returns home, and being a stuntman and all, gets kung fu on the attacker's asses. But he's no match for a knife and takes a stabbing in the guts. It's all pretty brutal and violent and I feel really bad for Daniela. Here she was with a decent dude that cared about her and he had to go and get stabbed but a bunch of fucking losers, one of which was wearing a black pleather suit.

Here comes the tonal shift. Until now, we've had a fairly violent tale of a woman's descent into madness, her dealing with this descent and then the subsequent ascent over the recesses of her illness. After the boyfriend gets stabbed, this becomes a revenge tale.

Daniela find out two of her attackers work at a junkyard and wastes no time clonking one of the dudes on the head with a giant wrench, luring the other one to the car to check on the passed out guy, and lifting the car with that claw thingy they have in junkyards and smashing it until both men are pulp.

She then takes the liberty of lighting the other one's house on fire while he's asleep, burning him alive! Then she cooks him and eats him while looking completely and utterly unhinged! Go, Daniela!

The ending is all very abrupt and not very satisfying, but the ride there was certainly madcap enough that I can forgive. I think what's most interesting that a film with werewolf in the title has an almost appalling lack of werewolf action, save for one opening dream sequence. The werewolf-ism in this movie is more of the mental variety in that it's all in Daniela's head, which is somewhat refreshing than the whole curse thing. And it could have gone a menstruation route that most werewolf movies involving women tend to go, and I didn't really detect that subtext anywhere. There is the one mention about puberty, but nothing female-specific. It's almost original, except that it is completely seventies. And it's certainly violent enough and it's a woman doing all the good killing.

I watched some of the special features with interviews with the director, Rino di Silvestro and the woman that played Daniela, Annik Borel, was in no other movies, at least to his knowledge, and he had lost touch with her many years ago. A quick IMDB search revealed she was in Ted V. Mikels' picture BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE-DEVILS as a witch who gets stoned (I'm assuming with stones, rather than the other way), as well as a French film called TRANSVESTITE that sounds pretty awesome, as well as guest appearances on the sitcom THE ODD COUPLE. Weird. I absolutely loved this blond bombshell as she appeared to really think she was a werewolf and therefore, appeared to be certifiably insane. It truly must have been her standout performance, for sure.

I can't say no to werewolf movies in general and I certainly can't say no to voluptuous females who think they're werewolves and call everyone whores. I love movies where the word 'whore' gets used in freak outs. So by default, I must love this movie.

The Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy

2010-11-15T22:15:00.005-05:00

Do you like lovely ladies battling it out in a boxing ring wearing skintight unitards? Do you like capers involving a Japanese martial arts gangs hellbent on finding a secret codex to unleash the power of the ancient Aztecs? How about mummies? Ya like mummies? Well, you're in the right place, folks, and Rene Cardona is bringing you all of the above in his 1964 flick, The Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy. I'll warn you though, we don't get to the mummy for a minute. But there's aplenty to keep us entertained until then.

The adventure begins as famed archaeologist Dr. Zorba is deposited on the street from a moving vehicle. He then decides to take in an all-female lucha libre match, which actually feels like it was filmed at a real match with a real audience. We meet our two heroines in the ring - Loretta Venus, a raven haired beauty and her tag team partner, the Golden Ruby, a deliciously tall Amazonian brunette. Both women are sexy and feminine, but could still likely kick the shit out of anyone, as they show their dumpy opponents in this opening match.

After the match, Loretta and Ruby retire to the locker room where Zorba is lurking. Seems he needs to speak to Loretta's fiance, Mike and has tracked him down through Loretta. And I thought he was just there to ask for their autographs! Zorba's been working with Mike's uncle, Dr. Tracy, amongst others, on finding an ancient Aztec codex. All but Zorba and Tracy have been kidnapped, tortured and murdered by the notorious Black Dragon gang in hopes that they'll relinquish the secret of the Aztec treasure to the thugs. But Zorba doesn't know the secret quite yet, but before he can tell Mike and the girls anything else, he's killed then and there with a poison dart!

The leader of the Black Dragons, Prince Fuji, needs the codex so he can give superhuman attributes to his two warrior sisters. How he knows how to do all this is beyond us, but no matter. It sounds cool. But the Black Dragons are going to need Dr. Tracy to help them because he's the only surviving scientist that might know the secret.

Back at Tracy's apartment, Charlotte, the pretty blond daughter of one of those poor dead archaeologists, has taken refuge. Charlotte, the women wrestlers, Mike, Mike's friend, Tommy, and Dr. Tracy all sit around for a bit stating the obvious. 'The situation is very dangerous' and 'they'll try to get the other part of the codex.' Oh yeah, Tracy's decided to split the codex into three pieces and give each girl a piece so 'it will be harder for the Black Dragon to locate.' Never mind the fact that he invites the girls to stay at his apartment with him so they'll be safer. Okay, doc, whatever you say.

But the doc's not that much of an idiot and shuffles all over town leaving pieces of the codex in various locations and thusly sends the girls clues so they can find them. While this seems to be an exercise in futility, not to mention exhausting on the part of everyone, the Black Dragon breaks into Tracy's apartment, kidnaps Charlotte and 'breaks her will' with science. And by science, he injects her with a serum that will keep her under his control, 'dominating her mind.' And they also bug the apartment with a video camera (were there video cameras in '64? - who cares - the Black Dragon is a mad scientist and he would have had access to this technology long before it was actually invented) so they can spy on Tracy and the gang.

Then a sombrero arrives at the apartment and it's a clue to obtain part of the codex. How many times a day do you hear that sentence? The gang figures out that the second part of the codex is at the Hotel Rio in room 13. But when they arrive, the Black Dragon is waiting for them. Loretta and Ruby get to show off their wrestling skills and kick some ninja ass, while Tommy shrieks about his back and Mike gets in a punch or two here and there.

There's some more fighting, some of the Black Dragons are captured and take cyanide pills, Tommy gets injected with truth serum, and the Prince manages to get most of the codex. He then decides he wants his sisters to fight Loretta and Ruby for the remaining piece of the codex. Winner gets the whole she-bang, and Charlotte will be released from hypnotic imprisonment.

Here's where you perverts can really get into this. It's about fifteen minutes of girl fighting and it's pretty realistic. While the warrior sisters don't get too kung fu on the sixties version of GLOW, it's still entertaining and kind of nerve wracking, as you really can't predict the outcome. Loretta and Ruby end up prevailing and the Prince turns the codex over to them. Too easy. Way too easy.

Well, duh, the Black Dragons still have the Tracy gang under surveillance, so as Tracy translates the scriptures, the Prince is all ears. We find out about an ancient Aztec story about a lovely virgin who left with her lover on the night she was to be sacrificed to her gods, the highest honor for a virgin back then, apparently. The two were eventually captured and the girl was put to death and her lover was buried alive to watch over the tomb so his soul could never rest. The Prince, upon hearing all this, thinks it's all fairy tales, but apparently there's a good deal of treasure sealed in the tomb and the gang goes off in search of it, natch.

So we're off to the Aztec ruins and some mummy action, finally, after nearly an hour of capering, wrestling, science, and folklore. Tracy instantly finds his way into the giant pyramid and through some bumbling, release the mummy, which actually looks pretty scary. He's no Ho Tep, but he's gaunt and he shuffles and moans a lot. AND he can can turn into a bat and he hates the sunlight. Some kind of vampire/mummy hybrid, perhaps? The gang takes a gold necklace from the corpse of the mummy's girlfriend and flee back to home base. But the mummy's transformation powers aren't all for naught, because he tracks them in bat form back to the apartment, dispatches with the whole Black Dragon crew who he meets outside, and attacks Charlotte, all before the sun comes up!

The next day, Charlotte thinks they should return the necklace to the mummy so he'll leave them alone. Oh, rly?, Charlotte? What a capital idea! Charlotte and Tommy make their way back to the tomb, but get separated inside and that asshole Tommy leaves Charlotte down there, goes back to the apartment and gets the others to go help him find her. Because we all just live down the street from some ancient Aztec pyramids. Did they have time to stop at Burger King on the way there?

They find Charlotte in the nick of time, as the mummy has her bound and is about to (literally) stab her. I guess he loves her or something. Even though she doesn't resemble his girlfriend at all. You can just tell. If a mummy ties you to a sacrificial altar and tries to stab you with a sacrificial knife, it's love. But the gang arrives just in time and frees Charlotte, captures the mummy, chains him to a column, and runs for their measly little lives. The mummy freaks, pulls down the column, and thusly wrecks the entire ancient tomb, the end.

I kind of feel sorry for the mummy in the end, but I usually always do. It's a curse and it's usually a sad one involving unrequited love, or in this case, punishment for falling in love. I really hate Tommy, as he is annoying and self serving and would have been a good mummy victim. But only the 'bad' guys, the Black Dragons, get to really feel the mummy's wrath, and only then it's out of self defense, really. And what did the mummy ever do to any of these guys? They took his damn necklace and he wanted it back. I don't find that all that unreasonable. It's also a bit disappointing that the mummy bits are only the last ten minutes or so of the movie. Oh well. This has enough female wrestling, age-old legends, inexplicable situations, and inane dialogue ('Look! He's afraid of fire! Look, he's a vampire now! Look, he's a mummy again! Look, it's a spider!) to keep it going, although rather bumpily. I could almost see Roger Corman behind something like this and if you look at Cardona Sr.'s oeuvre, he's not far off the mark.

There are worse ways to spend ninety minutes. Now, if only this had had Paul Naschy in it and it was filmed in the wilds of Spain, and the wrestlers were vampire witches, and Paul had sex with all of them, and the mummy could also turn into a werewolf, and there was a Japanese diamond heist....

Tell Me About Your First Time

2010-11-13T15:17:00.003-05:00

I always get nostalgic around this time of year. I love the fall, the cool weather, the prospect of gifts and large sums of money from the parent types. But what I most look forward to is having a bit more time off than usual so I can revisit all the movies I love and cherish and that have shaped my horror fandom, which proves to overtake me hourly :) So this will likely be a new feature around here. I want you to tell me about the first time you ever saw a classic horror movie of my choosing. I'll give you the title and y'all discuss. This go-round, I want to hear about the first time you saw TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

I was fourteen when I first met Leatherface. Of course, by then, I was in full-on I have to see everything scary ever committed to tape because my neighbor friend's brother's friends (who were all like five years older than us), loved horror movies (and heavy metal), and it was a rite of passage to prove to these losers that us chicks could watch (and really enjoy) horror movies. On one of my many bicycle rides up to Movie Time Video, I rented TCM, and watched it with my brother, who was ten. We had to lock ourselves in my parent's bedroom while my mom watched soap operas at the opposite end of the house so she wouldn't walk in and find us watching an 'R-rated movie'. She was big on what was R-rated and was always talking about R-rated stuff and how we shouldn't watch it. Wasn't TCM NC-17? Not that my mom would have known that - anything taboo was 'R-rated' and that included GI Joe cartoons and anything with Swartzeneggar in it. Oh, and Robo Cop. She had a big thing against Robo Cop.

But we managed to watch whatever we wanted to anyway because all we had to say is that it wasn't Robo Cop, and TCM was on that list. We loved it. I don't remember to specifics of our love at the time, but we were instantly converted to fans of hardcore horror and we were more than blown aways. Even FACES OF DEATH didn't do it for us like CHAINSAW.

So tell me about your first time seeing TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Were you scared to death? How old were you? Twenty seven? Was it just last month? Have you never seen it? Details, perverts, details! Because I'm nosey and have little else to do with my time.

Shark Attack!

2010-11-12T21:50:00.004-05:00

In tattoo form! Ignore the swollen goopiness - he's just a few hours old. Piranha attack in tattoo form forthcoming! And I think I've finally worked up the nerve for my knuckle tattoos! Stay tuned!

The Werewolf and the Yeti

2010-11-09T15:06:00.007-05:00

I'm a little keyed up, perverts. Ever since the Vicar and the Duke announced they were spearheading a Paul Naschy blog-a-thon, I've had Jacinto on the brain more than usual. I know it's not quite here yet, but I thought it couldn't hurt to watch THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI for a sixth time and impart to you the lurid details. I have more in store for the actual blog-a-thon, but consider this an early gift. You're welcome.

The feature opens in the mountains of Nepal. In the first ten seconds, two men are attacked by a Yeti. Guns are fired, roars are roared, and cue the opening credits. Back in civilization, our man Waldemere Daninsky (Paul, of course, this is the eighth in a cycle of thirteen Daninsky films) meets up with The Professor and his pretty daughter, Sylvia, to discuss the missing anthropologist, Silas, the unfortunate who got himself offed by the Yeti.

Silas' mission in Nepal was to find the Abomindable Snowman, but he didn't return, obviously. However, his diary was found, along with an for reals yeti scalp! 'No doubt about it,' the Professor says. 'It's authentic!.' There's no evidence to the contrary, so we have no other option but to believe him.

So far we've got a yeti scalp and a for reals picture of the yeti, so the Prof is chomping at the bit to get to Nepal and hunt this thing down. Waldemere is an obvious choice to accompany him because he's an anthropologist, psychologist, and fluent in Nepalese! Is there anything Paul can't do? I mean, really.

The party leaves for Katmandu immediately, but there's a impenetrable snowstorm and the expedition is forced to hole up in a hotel. Not for long though, because there's inexplicably a sweaty white man who seems to be on an opium bender that knows a secret pass through the mountains. Despite that he's a junky, our buddy Waldemere is ready to rock and hires him - his name is Joel, which I find hilarious - and they make their way for the secret pass san prof and the rest of the team.

It doesn't take long for Waldemere and Joel to wind up lost and, despite his reputation (?), Joel freaks, hears demons of the red moon, and goes headlong into the snow. There's some back and forth with poor Waldemere wandering lost and the team back in civilization. The team wants to assemble and find Waldemere and prepare for the trip. Tiger, a hulking Nepalese guide the prof hired, warns of those red moon demon guys, but winds up going on the journey anyway. The Sherpa crew does a dance to ward off evil spirits and the trip begins for these guys.

Meanwhile, Waldemere trudges on. It doesn't look too pleasant. It's cold and stark, but after a few stumbles, our hero finds a cave decorated with idolatry. There are two sexy cave dwelling sisters who decide to sex up on Waldemere because 'he's very strong. He will make a splendid companion, and a good lover.' I second that one, ladies. I mean, really, how could you resist? Only Paul could find two sisters to do it to in a cave in the Nepalese mountains. The women nurse him back to health with blow jobs and intercourse.

Later, Waldemere wakes up alone and decides to explore the cave, literally time. He get dressed and finds the girls cannibalizing some arms and legs. He grabs a torch (how I've always wanted to wield a torch in a cave!), find a tomb, and but shit! The moon is coming up! Waldemere takes the time to stab another vampire cannibal woman and attack another, but not before the last one sinks her teeth into his chest, giving him that sweet pentagram-ish scar. Dazed, he stumbles out into the wilderness. In a painful exertion, Waldemere changes into a werewolf! Yay!

He attacks some bandits sitting around a campfire speaking of selling women. See, that's what they get! And carries on to find the camp where the prof and Sylvia might be. Maybe he does this - I"m not sure. (The copy I have is a bootleg and looks like it was drug across the ocean floor and then stored wet in a draft basement for about fifty years. Sometimes the minutiae is lost on me.)

Sylvia decides to stray from the camp for a walk, because that's a really good idea, and then must thwart the sexual advances of another team member. Waldemere shows up just in time to save Sylvia. It's a morality tale, you see. You want to do violence towards the females, you get eaten by a werewolf. Simple, really.

So that's that and Tiger is still rambling on about demons but none of these white motherfuckers want to listen. The expedition decides to return to base camp but they run afoul of some bandits and there's a shoot out of western proportions, until the party finds themselves captured. Seems like they are going to meet Sekkar Khan, and evil ruler in the mountains.

Sylvia escapes momentarily and the Yeti attacks. Well, I think it's the Yeti, because it's day. But that's the thing about this movie. One second it will be raging snow and ice, the next it's verdant and green. I think Yeti's can be out during the day, unlike werewolves. So let's just say it's day. Who care, really?

Walemere wakes up on the forest floor in human form and not too worse for wear and runs headlong into Sylvia. She catches Waldemere up and they find another member of the expedition on a stake, but still alive. The unfortunate tips them off that the prof has been taken to see the Khan at his palace.

Cut to the Khan's palace. The evil son of a bitch is getting his 'treatment' administered by the beautiful, but oh-so-evil, Wandessa. He's got some kind of skin thing on his back and uses the women he captures for their skin. But we'll get there in a second.

Waldemere and Sylvia find a ramshackle monastery in the middle of nowhere, where they meet a monk and a retarded mute. The monk knows of Waldemere's affliction and promises the curse can be lifted by some rare flower and the blood of a young girl are given to him. The monk also warns of the Khan and how ruthless he is. Wandessa has a nasty reputation as well, although no one knows her origins. But from what the monk says, Wandessa is worse than the Khan.

After some sex with Sylvia, Waldemere decides he's going to leave her at the monastery. The monk chains him to a tree to try to contain him, but no stinkin' chains can hold Waldemere! He wolfs out and some good werewolf action occurs. Meanwhile (damn there are a lot meanwhiles in this film), Sylvia gets schooled by the monk on how to kill the werewolf. Use the flower portion or here, stab him with this silver knife!

It starts to get real choppy here, as the Khan and Wandessa play chess for the professor's life, Khan's men go to kidnap Sylvia, they capture Waldemere, Wandessa makes out with Waldemere while he's in chains and then carves up some beauties to give the Khan his 'treatments.' She skins the ladies alive in front of Waldemere so he can see what will happen to Sylvia if he doesn't submit.

Sylvia and a captive princess trick a guard and kill him with the silver dagger and escape. Sylvia finds Waldemere and let's him go and they make a run for it. And what a run it is! Waldemere does his best Chuck Norris interpretation (or has it been Chuck all these years doing his best Paul interpretation?), complete with flying roundhouse kicks and everything! Then Waldemere wolfs out again to fight the Yeti (remember the Yeti?) and it's the first werewolf/Yeti fight I've ever seen. Tell me of another one and I'll watch it.

At the last minute, after these epic battles are waged, Sylvia randomly finds the cure-all flower, mixes it with her blood and gives it to the now unconscious werewolf. Ta da! The curse is lifted - they just know this - and head back in the direction of civilization, despite the fact they have no coats. The End.

I love this shit. It's got Yetis, werewolves, Sherpas, Khans, evil witches, naked ladies, cannibal vampires, Nepalese dancing, karate, torch bearing, caves, snow, mountains, a little dash of mad science, inexplicable stuff, and Paul. So it's got a of little everything that is good in life, which is basically all I need.

Now go watch Paul for yourself. Get ready for the blog-a-thon! It's November 29th through December 3rd.

Microwave Massacre

2010-11-02T14:34:00.007-04:00

Way back when, I used to see this VHS box in the Movie Time store. It used to scare me. It had a gruesome looking head, eyes still intact, clearly nuked for the sole purpose of the hungry man with the knife and fork licking his lips to consume. Consume! As in cannibalism! Via the microwave! And 'massacre' was in the title - clearly a harsh word intended only for the hardest of the hardcore horror films. Never mind the tagline screamed 'comedy' - to me, this was one fucked up little movie - and I wouldn't see it until, oh, twenty-five years later.

Of course, time changes our views and I'm no longer the wide-eyed ten year old salivating over lurid VHS box art any more. But I still have those memories and those memories shape the movie watching persona I have today, so when I finally tracked down a copy of Midnight Video's version of MICROWAVE MASSACRE, I still had certain expectations in mind. I was expecting an outright horror film, what I got instead a deliciously trashy, misogynistic, pun-laden 'comedy about cadavers and cannibalism.' Allow me to give you the highlights.

Donald's life sucks. He works a crappy job as the foreman at a construction site supervising two horny dudes. (If you've never seen a glory hole for boobs before, the opening scene of MM is your chance!) He can't get a decent meal to save his life (think a giant crab on a huge roll - it's cartoonishly over the top, really), because his annoying wife, May, has taken up French cooking, in her gloriously gigantic new microwave. This thing is bigger than my refrigerator. I know appliances were huge in the seventies, but this thing is retardedly huge. Never mind the fact that May is cooking high-falutin' cuisine in it. Seems the oxymoron, but oh well.

After slaving over the microwave all day (she actually says this), Donald refuses to eat May's cooking. They get into an argument, ala the henpecked husband routine, and in a crime passionale, Donald kills May with a salt shaker, and he doesn't even forget to sprinkle some salt over his shoulder for luck. Relieved to be rid of the annoying bitch (Edie Massey is less irritating and a better actress and I kind of wanted to kill May myself), Donald goes about dismembering her body and storing it in the freezer. He wakes up the next day and doesn't remember killing May, until he opens the microwave and sees her lifeless corpse. 'Oh well, just the way she would have wanted to go - except she hasn't gone yet, oh brother!'

Later that night, Donald is watching a newscast about the perfect crime. Seems some guy stole a bunch of caviar and hid the evidence by eating it all. Ding, ding, ding! What do you think Donald decides to do next?

If you guessed making giant sandwiches out of live prostitutes and seducing a woman in a chicken suit who is dancing an Irish jig to come over for sex, only to cook her body to serve to his construction worker friends, you would be correct. 'I'm so hungry, I could eat a whore,' Donald quips, in one of his many, many groan-inducing, but oh-so-hilarious puns.

It's all in good fun and I love this movie. It's so morbidly over-the-top from the whole Jackie Gleason thing to the cannibalism to the call girls in their trashy outfits. However, it's a bit of a stretch for me to buy Donald's character switch. Yeah, he's been abused by his wife for thirty years, but he ain't no prized pig himself, coming home wreaking of booze and insulting May. It's no wonder she yells like she does, really. They hadn't even had sex since 1962. 'You're a walking contraceptive,' she yells during a heated argument. Donald is completely joyless in the beginning and his murdering of May seems to free him from this joylessness. Heck, he even gets to have sex after all these years. But it doesn't make him a better person. It makes him worse, as it turns him into a serial killer.

Donald just doesn't have it in him to pull off the whole serial killer/cannibal thing. He's just too much of an ignorant goomba. And he falls into the cannibal thing most unwittingly, as he gets up in the middle of the night for a snack, only to groggily discover he's eating a raw hand. 'I may have underestimated May's taste,' he says, and continues chewing. The leap is made too quickly and all of a sudden he's a cannibalistic maniac, while still maintaining his persona of beaten down working class man who can't get anything good to eat from his nagging wife. But it's not calculated, either. Donald is one of the other and a flesh eating Jeffrey Dahmer type he ain't.

But this movie is successful in that it blends the whole horror and comedy thing quite well, something that is very difficult because the writer and director must be skilled at both. It's no massacre of the Texan variety, but it doesn't aim to be either. It's a silly, trashy romp that you just don't come by that often, especially nowadays. Mother-in-law jokes, objectifying women, microwaves - it's all very pre-Married with Children. And the fashion! Oh the fashion. It's the worst of the seventies worst, but it's also refreshing to see real women in a movie, a little cellulite, curves, and all. And where else are you going to see a live hooker slathered in mayo, put between two giant slices of bread, and sawed in half? Or a sexy blond doing yard work with a vibrator? Or a glory hole for boobs? Or death by microwave, for that matter? That's what I thought.

Now, if only I could get an uncut box copy of the Midnight Video version. All my damn Midnight Video boxes are cut to fit clamshells and it's annoying. To the time machine, before all the big boxes on VHS were cut!

The Manster

2010-10-31T00:24:00.008-04:00

Nothing says All Hallow's Eve like a campy two-headed monster American/Japanese hybrid mad scientist movie from the '50's y'all! So for your Devil's Night reading pleasure, I give you 1959's THE MANSTER.

First things first. I love that fucking title. It's why I picked this movie from my Netflix recommendations. C'mon. It's called THE MANSTER. Hilarious. You know it's gonna be campy, you know there's going to be SCIENCE of the MAD variety, and you know there's going to be theremin music. That's really all I need. However....

As we settle in, a hairy, Yeti-ish creature attacks some bathing beauties and another lovely lady in her home as she combs her hair. The women are completely taken off guard by this beast and put up little fight. Roll credits.

Come to find out this creature is/was Kenji, the brother of MAD scientist Robert Suzuki, who lives in a lab-or-a-tory carved into the side of an active volcano. Suzuki being MAD and all has turned his brother into a raving, savage beast, who, up close, is also kind of cute in a fuzzy, raving, savage beast kind of way. Suzuki ain't all bad and realizes that his brother is out of control and winds up incinerating the poor fellow alive. 'You were my brother!,' Suzuki laments. 'An experiment that didn't work out!' Ah well, into the flames you go, Kenji. As Kenji meets his fiery end, we see Suzuki has been up to other 'experiments' as a she-freak screams from a cage built into the wall at the actions taking place before her.

That said and done, Larry Stanford comes to meet with Suzuki. Larry's a reporter with the World Press and wants to interview Suzuki about his 'work on the secrets of 'evil-oo-tion' and 'the principles of existence.' Fascinating stuff, you can totally tell Larry's really interested. NOT. If you missed the whole I turned my brother into a Sasquatch that kills beautiful women and then burned him alive in a giant oven scene, you get the idea that Suzuki is a little weird when he starts asking his interviewer all sorts of personal questions. How old are, Larry? Have you ever been with prostitutes, Larry? I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist. After a bit of this and some more blather about 'cosmic rays and their effect on evolution,' Suzuki offers Larry some scotch as a means to drug the reporter in order to inject him with an enzyme that will cause him to change into something similar to Kenji, because that all worked out so well just several hours ago.

Cut to Larry's office back in Tokyo several days later. Seems like Suzuki wants to come out of his volcano lab and take Larry out on the town. Larry's been working his ass for what he makes seem like decades, so is more than happy to oblige Suzuki for a few nights out. Larry seems fine at this point. He doesn't know he's been drugged or that Suzuki is a total weirdo, so he takes a call from his wife, Linda, a breathy blond in a white nightgown that still resides in NYC. He assures Linda all is well and he'll return home to New York as soon as he has had his much needed vacation. Asshole. I'd be like, you are taking a vacation with me, motherfucker, since I haven't seen you in years. But oh well. Linda's sated for then.

The doc takes Larry to a brothel where Larry gets wasted and makes out with several ukulele playing geisha. Three days later, Larry's still having the time of his life with the good doctor, and decides instead of returning to work or to NYC to his wife to go to a hot springs hotel with Suzuki and Tara, the doctor's beautiful and seductive assistant. While we haven't interacted much with the doctor too much yet, he doesn't seem as evil as his plans. He just more or less seems kind of regular in that his performance isn't too over the top and at times, he almost seems remorseful about his actions, yet obsessed with his experiments nonetheless. Tara, the assistant, however seems far more evil. She alludes to a shady past the doc rescued her from and her lack of feeling emotions. She's perfect for the job of seducing Larry so the doc can inject more enzymes or serum or whatever the hell in Larry for the ultimate transformations.

It's at the hot springs where the theremin music queues up and Larry feels that initial cramp in his hand. He has been boozing it up quite a bit so decides he'll forget about the whole pain thing and have sex with Tara instead. FADE TO BLACK. (I once took a screenwriting course and the guy teaching the class used to love the whole fade to black thing. He always talked about how dramatic it was to fade to black. He called it a device. I hated that and thought it sounded pretentious. He was also big into starting stories where the alarm clock is going off and using the 'device' of the needle on the record skipping. Annoying. Those pretentious MFAs loved him, though. No offense to my good friend out there with an MFA.)

Moving on, Larry and Tara party it up, dancing and drinking all over the town, but that damn theremin music keeps playing and Larry knows something's not right. He does what any rational, American ex-patriot who's cheating on his wife would do. Drink MORE and have MORE SEX. Why not, right? It kills the pain and makes him feel good. That is until he and Tara show up at his one night and discover boss Ian has ratted Larry out to the missus and Linda's standing there demanding to know the deal. Larry's a total ass at this point (remember, the poor man has been drugged with mad scientist serum so it's not his fault, if that's what you want to believe), and storms back out to Tara's. Linda can't believe how Larry's changed, although if you ask me, he hasn't changed a bit since he was always a bit of an ass. Now he's just more of a drunk ass who is just doesn't know he's about to grow another head. Big deal.

Back at Tara's, she urges Larry to go back and make up with Linda, or at the very least, find some sort of closure and Larry does just that, but winds up growing a monster hand and yelling at Linda. 'I never put you in your place, never slapped you down before!' She exits stage left in tears, as Larry continues to grow hair all over (like another afflicted Larry we know) and then decides to stop by a Buddhist temple. He rambles to the monk, interrupting his chanting and then returns to Tara's for sex of the non-explicit variety. It is 1959, you know.

Not ever sex can stop what Larry's becoming, as he soon takes to hiding in alleys and murdering beautiful women. According to the doctor, who we really haven't heard much of up until this point (it's really more Larry's story throughout), Larry is becoming two species at once. I could make some sweeping generalities about the duality of man but I never really got on board Larry's train, as he was never very likeable. I don't even feel the least bit sorry for him when he does sprout that ugly, ugly second head and starts wreaking havoc on Tokyo, as if there wasn't enough cinematic havoc wreaked upon Tokyo.

Enter the last fifteen minutes of this eighty minute flick. It goes a little something like this. There's some not particularly perilous police pursuits (alliteration, anyone?) of our boy Larry and then some crazy musing by Suzuki. He keeps saying how he's given this great gift to science (a two-headed monster that murders people - some gift!) but he also keeps struggling with how he can't bring Larry back. Larry might already be ready to split into two beings, which would not be a great gift to science, rather a horrible regret. So which is, doc? Are you great or do you regret the shit you've pulled in the name of science? Did I mention the she-freak locked in the volcano lab was once the doctor's wife, Ineko? At least I can find some solace in the fact that Larry was a complete stranger to the doctor and not a family member he decided to experiment on.

Larry returns to the volcano and guess what he does? Go on, guess! Ok, he trashes the lab, kills the doc, takes Tara, throws her in the volcano, splits out the monster part of him, fights the monster, the police descend, the monster falls into the volcano, Linda and Larry live happily ever after. The End. It was that easy; I'm serious. That really is the end and it happens in like forty seconds.

I kind of liked THE MANSTER. I still love the title. The movie isn't bad, per say; it isn't good either. It could have included more MAD science for my money but the doctor is so wishy washy, I don't know what the hell he's rambling about most of the time. Do you, or do you not, believe in what you did? If you're a fucking mad scientist, you have to OWN that shit. Wring your hands, sweat a little, order your hunchback around. Make sweeping statements about how you are GOD. Don't back peddle and regret your damn mistakes, because there will be a few if you practice science of the mad variety. Larry sucks all around, both as nice guy Larry and asshole Larry because they're really one in the same. He's whiny when he's nice and a dickhead when he's mean. That made sense only to me. Tara is beautiful and calculating, but even she has a duplicity when she falls in love with Larry, which is completely outside her character. Linda's a stupid bitch for taking Larry back in the first place. I mean, who knows if he'll cheat on her again or if he'll grow another head. Maybe she's just hoping he'll grow some other appendage instead.

THE MANSTER is recommended for it's short running time, awesome title, and other silliness.

Happy Halloween, you perverts. I love you and have missed you all! Have a great, safe Halloween whatever you do! It's always Halloween to me!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-10-23T13:05:00.003-04:00

I also happen to share a birthday with Augusten Burroughs, Weird Al Yankovic, and Sam Raimi. So good for me. Today shall be filled with Halloween cookie making, pumpkin carving (we went to the patch yesterday), and drinking some damn wine. It shall be the perfect day, that much I know. Except I don't have this in my life. Oh well. Drink one for me and wish me another great 29th!

New Addition!

2010-10-08T16:38:00.005-04:00

Meet the newest addition to our family! I would love to formally introduce her, but Sam and I can't decide on a name. She's a kitler, so I was thinking Eva, but it might be unwise to name her after Hitler's lady. Secondly, I was thinking about Glenn, after Danzig, but also after the Ed Wood title GLEN OR GLENDA. But Glenn isn't really sticking. Then there's Lily, like Lily Munster, but Sam doesn't like that at all. Bruce's cats are named Lydia and Leona, which I like a LOT, but his cats are already named that. And while I suggested Adrienne and Linnea after two of my favorite scream queens, Sam's not sold. We can't agree on anything! Help me out, guys!

She was named Shioban when we got her this morning, but that isn't 'horror' enough! She deserves a 'horror' name, or a 'punk' name! I know, I have a Moochie, which is neither, but then, he's totally a Moochie.

Thanks for your help!

Adventures at the State Fair 2010

2010-09-24T23:43:00.020-04:00

I woke up Friday morning to my girl, Casey, texting me. Get up, let's go to the fair, she said. Okay, I reply, sounds good. I'm under-exaggerating (is that a word?) In fact, it sounds freakin' fantastic! In case you didn't know or didn't read last year's fair post, I love the motherfuckin' fair. So I shower, coffee, and rouse Sam from sweet slumber. I couldn't wait! I got so impatient, I was waiting in the car in our driveway while Sam got ready. Then, on the way to Casey's I yelled at all the cars and stoplights in my way, because, goddammit, I'm on my way to the fair! In case you can't tell, I love the fair. I said it once and I'll say it again.

We were were there for almost eight hours. I am still tired and I still feel fat from consuming numerous fried items, but it was worth it. It only happens once a year, for crying out loud! The following are many of our adventures. Stay tuned all the way through for comments and comparisons to last year's fair.

This year, there was bonafide ten in one! I remember back when I was a kid, there was a ten in one and it got me started loving all things carnie way back when I was ten years old! And I was super pleased to find that many of the acts were the same! And the fire eater and sword swallower was the same dude from twenty years ago! He's also the human pincushion and we paid the extra two bucks to watch him stick pins all up in his skin. And I was lucky enough that he let me pull them out! I thanked him for his performance and told him how I had seen him twenty years ago. He was humble and ingratiating and that totally made the experience for me. Here's some of our pics from midway. Oh to have those banners!

The mermaid girl was back and there was also a gorilla girl. Both of those attractions typically prove to be lame. The mermaid girl is done with mirrors, kind of a fishbowl effect and the gorilla girl is also done with some tricky mirrors, but at least she does jump out at you at the end. We didn't partake but the banners and fronts are pretty nice.

It is so wonderful to go to a fair with a sideshow presence. It's a dying art form and one of my favorites, so this was such an amazing highlight for me. Yes, the stuff is lame and there isn't an appreciation for it from many audience members, but it is so heaped in tradition and there is something punk and free about it that I absolutely love. I'd join a carnival in a second if the opportunity presented itself.

Next up, the rides. Casey and I opted to ride the rickety old rides this year, while Sam held our purses and took ridiculous video of us. This pretty much sums up our experience, although we road just about everything. Except that one that spins you around and drops the floor out. We watched it for a moment and then decided we needed another beer.

I was crushing Casey the whole time and laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes and wishing the whole experience would just end. And we paid twenty bucks each for this.

We also saw a magic show, complete with white bunny rabbits and doves materializing out of thin air and lots of tricks with boxes on wheels. We checked out goats and met this little black pig, which almost makes me want to stop eating bacon.

Almost.

I was most disappointed there were no giant pumpkins, steers, or horses, like from last year's fair. But the midway made up for most of that. And Casey and I got to do our best Patrick and Sponge Bob interpretation:

And then I got to do my best Faye Ray:

It was a really excellent day and when we were at work the next night, bringing people bullshit and basically hating our lives, I was like, yesterday was much more fun that this. And it was true.

I didn't get my alien sandwich like last year, but I did have shrimp on a stick again, as well as sausage and pizza. The funnel cake was disappointing, but I did get some ghetto fabulous door knocker hoop earrings that say 'I love you' inside for some reason.

Til next year, fair! You better rock just as hard!

Hi!

2010-09-12T16:20:00.004-04:00

Well, it's been a taxing weekend. Friday, I went to have surgery to remove two tumors from my ovaries. I've been basically in medical hell for the last year or so as doctors tried to figure out what the heck was causing me so much pain for so long, and finally, about a month ago, it was revealed via ultrasound that I had some very large tumors on my right ovary which were squishing everything up in there and causing me some great difficulties.

Relieved that we knew what was causing the problem, surgery was scheduled, painkillers were consumed, and nerves were wrought. Sam took me Friday at 5 a.m. to the hospital and over the course of all my body peircings having to be removed and the entire hospital staff exclaiming over my tattoos, they finally removed my stupid tumors and sent me on my way, stumbling under anesthesia and saying gods know what.

I have to walk with a cane a for the moment and alas, I cannot work. Oh no, whatever will I do! :) But I've been spending copious amounts of time with my cats and my Hammer box set, which I finished all in one day. I might spend some time with the Bela Lugosi collection tonight, and between bouts of sleepiness brought on by hydrocodone, I've been getting a lot of reading done. Blogging has slowed to non-existent, but I shall return. I always do!

I would post pictures of my ugly, ugly scars, but seriously, we all like to live in a fantasy world, and I can hardly look at them myself, so I won't do that to ya. Unless you really want me to! See you guys soon!

Cat in a Pumpkin Suit!

2010-09-03T18:33:00.004-04:00

2010 version. Deniro wasn't too happy but Moochie wore it like a champ.

Halloween Stuff!

2010-08-28T17:01:00.005-04:00

Halloween is right around the corner, and even though I think every day is Halloween, it's still fun to be validated when you go out to buy frames for your prints of a squirrel serving a martini and a fox wearing Victorian garb. Michael's Crafts had their full Halloween inventory out and we had spectacular fun going through it all (and almost missed the 2:30 showing of THE LAST EXORCIST because I cannot ignore the lure of orange and black covering a craft store). Can't wait until Target puts out their stuff! Although in the last few years, Target has been slacking on their Halloween stuff and that used to be where I would stock up on hand towels and sandwich bags for the whole year! I'll cross my fingers.

Have some pics of us wearing silly Halloween themed hats. Sam's is the best. Mr. Tough Guy, I have a spade under my eye and I'm wearing a felt Frankenstein hat, what about it?

New Tattoo!

2010-08-27T22:24:00.007-04:00

I am on vacation and nothing screams vacation by paying someone hundreds of dollars to wound your flesh for life. I got some work done on my left sleeve and Sam got a spade underneath his right eye. So I was in more pain than Sam today because his shit took like a minute, but hey, I can take it. Then it was home to cook dinner and drink wine and share these awesome new tattoo pictures with you guys.

Note the Figi mermaid is not new, nor is the mad scientist lab-or-a-tory. Those have been there for quite some time. The filler around those guys is new, as is the dead rat. Now I'm the girl with the dead rat on her arm. Enjoy! And of course, Moochie has wormed his way into these photos. No Cavalcade photo would be complete without a Moochie in it.

Meet the Cats

2010-08-23T01:21:00.005-04:00

Meet all the cats! Moochie, Tuna, Bela, October, and Deniro. They're a good group. Oh, and Sam's in there too! And my gnarly old couch. Damn I need a new couch!

Cool Stuff Horror and Rock Stuff I See On My Way to Work

2010-08-10T19:55:00.011-04:00

We are back and forth to work a LOT. Being as how Sam and I work in the same restaurant and the Vespa is broken down and we both have to be there at varying times, we spend a shit ton of time in the Jetta back and forth to our bar. And we have a new scooter coming, but it won't be here until next Friday, so we are shit all out of luck as far as all our driving times are concerned, at least for another week or more. So I have to make it fun somehow. Yes, there's satellite radio and Pandora and I do make up songs about the cats more that is probably necessary to anyone but me, but there's fun stuff to see along the way of our ten minute journey to and fro.

Hence this fucking bad ass Cadillac. It's been there for months and Bruce even inquired about it's price; but alas it's not for sale. They simply leave it out front of their auto shop to taunt us repeatedly.

And that thing is so righteous, I would drive it just like that, but then they had to make me hate them even more by parking this number outside today:

I know it is partially obscured from my car seat, but let's just say it's the pristine restored convertible (!) version of the bad ass other one.

Onward! Not two blocks away, there are also awesome vehicles abounding. Take for instance this charming white Rolls Royce, that I noticed for the first time today. (Normally this auto body shop has a powder blue version of the first Caddy I treated y'all to, but I haven't seen that one in a minute.):

Then there's the street signs. Here's Spider (I know you can't see it that well, but it was hot today and I couldn't get out of the car):

Wolverine:

and Craven. Notice the Dead End. Love it!

There's also a Hooper street, and the street across from our house is Boris Court. And there's a great creepy vintage bus for sale that we drive by too many times per day, which I always honk at because Sam wants to buy it and live in it on the weekends - the weekend being Thursday and Friday night for us :)

So yeah, there you have it - Jenn and Sam's route home from work. And if that didn't thrill you to the marrow of your bones - here, have a picture of Moochie lounging while I watched THE DESCENT: PART 2 today and another pic of a crawfish martini I created at work the other night. Surprisingly, no one wanted to drink it.

I feel like it should just rear up and start screaming on the glass, don't you?

Happy Birthday Wes Craven!

2010-08-02T11:18:00.003-04:00

Wes Craven turns seventy-one today. So we shall honor him for giving us Papa Jupiter, those people under the stairs, Mitch Pileggi as a serial killer, Bill Pullman fighting zombies, and that Krueger guy. We shall not honor him for producing that crappy remake or letting his son write the remake of the Hills Have Eyes II.

Inappropriate

2010-07-25T22:34:00.003-04:00

Tell me this is not totally inappropriate! Lionel Richie as a high school drama teacher stalking a blind girl so much so that she must render his visage in clay, having never seen him (she's blind, ya know), but since they have some sort of connection, she's able to visualize what he might look like if she had to tell the fucking police what he looks like after she got tired of all his stalking and sexual harassment. You're welcome.

I've had three wines and three coffees (they cancel each other out) and am about to go get Sam from his mama's house after five days of being separated. I'm bored and drunk and lonely - but I did have brunch with a bunch of drag queens (and vodka) today and then took a nap which resulted in me thinking I had slept thru Monday, even though it's still Sunday. I got up, freaked out for like forty minutes, and then realized it was still Sunday.

Requiem for a Vampire

2010-07-17T22:29:00.005-04:00

Normally, despite my appetite for weird world cinema and my penchant for hot ladies doing despicable things in the nude, I'm not the connoisseur of Jean Rollin's films, at least, not like you think I would be. But the stars and the planets aligned the other night and I wasn't drunk as monkey and I managed to sit through what is described as Rollin's most palpable fair, REQUIEM FOR A VAMPIRE. And I wasn't disappointed. There might be something to this French dude after all. And after YEARS of suffering through his stuff. Well, not complete suffering, because I do keep coming back to his oeuvre, but maybe you know what I mean. I usually get 'it' right away, here, it's taken some time.

The film opens with two female clowns and a male counterpart in the midst of a high speed car chase/shootout in the French countryside. Dude man gets shot and the trio escapes on a dirt road. Exiting the vehicle, our two lovely clown ladies light the car on fire, leaving their male friend inside. They're fleeing from something, but what? There's some great shots of the car burning, hearkening my love the Divine aka Babs Johnson's trailer burning in PINK FLAMINGOES. It's that slow burn, filmed from many angles with only the sounds of the flames lapping at the metal that reminds me so of my beloved John Waters film.

After having dispatched with their 'friend,' the clowns walk across a field and find a stream to clean their makeup off. It seems almost like a purification ritual or a rebirth, a theme that will make itself apparent as the film wears on. They soon find an abandoned farmhouse and make use of it to change from clowns into regular sexy girls. They find their motorcycle safely hidden within a grain silo and off they head to seduce a hot dog stand owner in order to rob him.

After the robbery, the girls, a brunette, Michelle, and a blond, Marie, flee to a cemetery to cuddle with one another underneath their clown garments as two gravediggers approach to dig a grave. The wind howls, a cat meows, and Michelle falls into an open grave as they attempt to flee a second time for no real reason. Marie watches in horror as her friend is buried alive, however, the gravediggers, being a lazy sort, don't fill the whole grave before quitting time and Marie is able to pull Michelle out virtually unscathed. Although it is filmed very dramatically, with her hand reaching out of the grave and the score edging the whole thing on.

A storm begins and Michelle recovers to faculties on a grave (there is nothing sexier than some pretty girls amongst Gothic looking tombstones) and it's time to flee again, this time to a castle. And did I mention the bats? They assault the girls and they are glorious. Almost as big as fruit bats and I didn't think fruit bats made their rounds to the French countryside. These fuckers are huge! And glorious! You know how I am about bats!

So the ladies find a castle and decide to explore it wearing their clown suits, until they find a bed ensconced in furs and decide to disrobe. If you were thinking Michelle and Marie were a couple up until this point, the next scene confirms it for you, as they get all nakey and kissy with each other on top of the fur bedspread. Don't get your hopes up too long, perverts, as the softcore lesbian action doesn't last too long because the girls are distressed by a creaking sound off in the castle somewhere and get up to investigate, wearing clothes, unfortunately.

Much to their dismay, they find a hanging corpse in the basement (the film's only real gross-out gag) and decide the time has come to flee again. But they can't. They enter a chapel where some robed skeletons are presiding over a funeral while eerie organ music plays in the background courtesy of a fanged red head dressed in androgynous foppery. She pursues the girls into a dungeon and emerges from the floor in an great green filtered light. Into another chamber they run where three burly male guards rough them up - and this is pretty heavy stuff just shy of rape - but the vampiress 'saves' them and tries to drink their blood.

Up until this point, and this is where the 'action' really starts, it's virtually free of dialogue. There's no motives, no explanations, and Michelle and Marie are experts at running from something, anything. But the whole damn thing is so damn good looking, you can't help but look away. There's bats, tombstones, crypts, crazy lighting, androgynous vamps, sexy clowns, I mean, who needs an explanation, right? The atmosphere is so heavy and the girls are so attractive, we can just let go and let that take us where it needs to.

Which is nightfall. The girls have 'escaped' and are wandering once again around the cemetery when the vamp and her thugs catch up to them and introduce them to the count, a pathetic excuse of count if you ask me. Christopher Lee he ain't. And he's whiny. He puts some bats on each of them, to mark them I guess, and lead them back to the castle (they're in a trance?). They are shackled to the walls with some other sexy ladies who have seemingly been there awhile.

Here's where you get your boob fix and there's a little bit of ex-sanguination from the lovelies chained up in the dungeon and we also get a bit of back story on Michelle and Marie, finally! Seems they were at a New Year's party when they picked up dude that was in the car with them at the beginning, but they had to kill him because he was, at their phrasing, annoying. Since then, they've been roaming about the countryside tyring to escape the law. It's honestly welcome because it makes it one of the more linear Rollin films I've watched, and I've watched my share. But I'm totally enthralled at this point so it wouldn't matter if the vamp demanded back story or not.

So what happens next, in brief, is that the girls are forced to become the vamp's bitches. They are to lure unsuspecting travelers to the castle by day so the vamp and the count can feed and eventually, since they are both virgins, depending on what your definition of the word virgin is, they will become vampires if they do a good job. Well, Michelle's down, but Marie's not, and she gets turtleneck wearing Frederick who just happens to be passing through, to deflower her outside the castle's gates so she won't have to become a vampire after all.

So come time for their initiation, aka the rape aka the rebirth, the vampires realize Marie is no longer a virgin and get pissed as holy hell. There's a great scene in here where Michelle is 'forced' to whip Marie as she's chained to the ceiling, a total scene for the perverts and I loved it. Michelle doesn't want to whip her friend and lover, but her vampire nature is taking over and she relishes it as much as she reviles it. And it's filmed in that great green filtered light again. Beautiful! Well, as beautiful as a gorgeous brunette French woman whipping another gorgeous blond French woman chained against her will can be, which is very!

Turns out though, the kindly count is sick of his lot in life and doesn't want to be a vampire any more. He's dying and wants to deny his nature. The count takes the vampiress, and another lackey with him (I couldn't ever discern if this other older woman was an actual vampire or just someone who played the piano and wandered around the castle kind of like a house mother) into a tomb and they retire and the girls run off into the woods and FIN.

Now, this ain't perfect, but it is exquisitely gorgeous, the lighting is grand, Michelle and Marie couldn't get any sexier and the landscape is superb. Not to mention, these are some tough women in this story. Not only in the vampiress androgynous and drag-queen-esque, she's powerful and demands respect. Michelle and Marie are awesome in their own right, as they fight for what they want, flee when they feel the need, and dispatch with an annoying male for the sole fact that he was 'annoying.' I love it. The poor count - he hates what he's become and basically is at the mercy of the women around him. I found this whole element to be quite great.

As mentioned previously, I think this is one of Rollin's more accessible works and while I hate to cater to the masses or lump myself in with them, I must say this was one of my more enjoyable romps into Rollin's filmic endeavors. Here - watch the trailer and perhaps decide for yourself.

VIY

2010-07-11T19:40:00.004-04:00

While not claiming to be an expert in Russian cinema from the late 60's, I know what I think is good and I know what I like. And I like director Georgi Kropachyov's VIY (1967). Taking its name from an old Russian folk tale (and monster who we'll meet later), VIY recounts the actions of a young priest, Khoma, as he embarks on vacation, runs afoul of a witch, and then finds himself in a most mysterious and scary predicament.

At the start of the film, Khoma and two of his fellow seminarian pals set off for a much deserved holiday. As they break off from the rest of the pack, they find themselves lost, ala the scene in AMERICAN WEREWOLF where they veer off the road. They wind up finding a farmhouse and as the old hag that lives there if they can have shelter for the night. She agrees, but on the condition that they are to sleep in separate places. See, she wants Khoma all to herself. After some futile advances (no one could be so drunk, and mind you, Khoma does like his vodka), the crone hypnotizes Khoma into thinking he's a flying horse to satisfy her transportation needs to a village.

Now this is a strange scene. So far, VIY has reminded me most of Disney movies, with its painted backgrounds, goofy vintage cartoon music, and stereotypical costuming. Khoma is portrayed as a bit of a drunk, okay, a lush, really, and he's pretty much revered at Seminary as a total fuck up and loser. It's revealed later that he's an orphan and really has no desire to be learning the ways of the cloth, but eh, what else is he to do? But it's downright comical and whimsical the way it's portrayed. So you think, up until this point, you're watching some quaint Russian folktale, when in fact you're watching a surreal piece of monster mayhem, which is to come.

Anyway, when the witch finally lets Khoma down from the sky, he begins to club her and she turns into a beautiful young raven-haired woman. Our hapless hero flees the scene of the crime and heads back to Seminary, a bit disheveled but no worse for wear considering. But the priest in charge tells Khoma of a rich landowner who's beautiful raven-haired young daughter is about to die and she is asking for Khoma specifically to come pray over her body. Khoma, under orders from above, has no choice but to go, although it's far to obvious the identity of the landowner's daughter.

When Khoma arrives back at the village, the young lady has expired. Khoma tries to convince the landowner he has never met the daughter and doesn't know how she met her fate, but the landowner insists Khoma fulfill his duty and preside over the body for three consecutive nights. He'll be paid handsomely for his troubles, or else...A solemn funeral follows and the girl's body is placed in the church, a creepy affair in its own right, lots of paintings of sad saints and candelabras and cobwebs. Thus begins Khoma's first night alone with the corpse of a witch.

As if the whole thing ain't creepy enough, as soon as Khoma is locked in the church, yes, they locked him in, a barrage of black cats begin scurrying about, seemingly from nowhere. Khoma's obviously nervous, with due cause, and tries to talk himself out of being scared - he has his 'holy words' for protection, of course. He thinks he's just tipsy and imagining all the spooky stuff, and then more cats and candles being snuffed out upon being lit. He begins the prayers or whatever and then our ghoul rises from her coffin, ethereally, beautifully, and begins to blindly grope her way towards poor Khoma.

He sticks to his guns and keeps praying, not for her, but for himself, and draws a 'sacred circle' around him for protection. It's surprisingly effective, given Khoma's lack of faith, and this scene of the first night with a corpse builds tension and has some surprisingly great performances. Ever seen a dead girl mime? Daylight breaks and the girl returns to her coffin, leaving Khoma alive, yet exhausted, but seemingly non-plussed.

The second night arrives and instead of cats, Khomas is greeted by a murder of crows (I love that - how often do you get to say a 'murder of crows'?). He's much drunker this go round but draws his circle right away. The girl's coffin almost immediately begins to rise and band against the circle. Soon enough, she bursts forward from the flying coffin and curses Khoma to hell in a really wonderful sight! It's very cool as the coffin whirls around Khoma and the ghoul girl hurls insults and curses at his very soul. You go, girl. She curses him so badly, in fact, that his hair turns white. Then, daybreak.

Khoma's pretty mad at this point. Could be all the vodka or the torment from beyond the grave, or a little of both, but he wants out and does NOT want to fulfill his contract of three nights. He demands music and does a frantic jig for the amusement of the townspeople. He then tells the landowner his daughter is bewitched by Satan and there's nothing he can do for her. The landowner doesn't give a shit and sends him to spend his third and final night with the ghoul.

And what a night it is! i can't even describe it - so here - watch the video - however, it's in Russian, but it's still pretty damn impressive.

It's pretty much the best payoff ever! Giant claws? Check. Skeletons lanking about on their own? Check. Demons and monsters of ever description? Check. Bats? Check. Succubi? Yep. And then our titular beastie, VIY! Cartoonish in his own right, he has to have the other demons open his eyelids and then, ATTACK! So fucking good!

Oh, daybreak! Why did you have to come so fast? The cock crows and that's the end of the demons. They all scurry away and the girl turns back into a hag and Khoma dies (although it's never proven but we do see him unconscious on the floor of the church). Then everyone back at Seminary says what a great fellow he was and how his life was wasted on nothing. Blah blah, the end, right?

I do have a bit of trouble with Khoma's death. You see, Khoma wasn't all that great. He was a drunkard, he was lazy, and he had no faith. He only hung out in Seminary because he had nowhere else to go. If his lot in life was to deliver the last rites to witch to regain or reclaim his faith, his death doesn't allow him to do so. Was he so far gone, are we to believe, that he was to only live on in legend, as something he wasn't?

A friend of mine recently suffered a brain tumor and had to undergo brain surgery. No little matter, this. Well, some folks I know weren't too fond of her and now that she's had a brush with death, and literally, she did, everyone is sending flowers and cards and talking about how great she was. This is the exact same thing they do to Khoma when he expires. Khoma, although lovable to the viewing audience in some way, due in part to his goofy demeanor and lackidasical attitude toward everything, is kind of despicable. He doesn't even pray over the girl's body - he prays for himself. And she's rightfully pissed. I would be if he clubbed me in the head and then refused to pray over my dead body.

But the heart of the matter is, the witch is taking revenge on Khoma. She's a witch, for gods' sake! Whether or not Khoma is completely deserving of said revenge I guess is up to the viewer. It's hard not to like Khoma, murderer and drunk that he is, but who knows. Maybe I should just take it as a fairy tale and shut the fuck up. Because that's what it essentially is, a piece of Russian folklore passed down through the ages to warn of witches and false believers. And it's pretty entertaining just as that!

Here's another video of the coffin flying around the sacred circle.

Other fun stuff about this legend:

Mario Bava's BLACK SUNDAY is loosely based on the legend of VIY and in Joe Dante's PIRANAH, a camp counselor recounts the legend of VIY as a ghost story.

In other non-fun news: VIY is slated for a freakin' American remake. Bah!

New Banner and New Contest

2010-07-09T21:23:00.003-04:00

Check out my beautiful new banner made for me by my sweetie Sam. As much as I love the old one (made by friend and cohort Mykal at Radiation Cinema), it's time for a new look. Aaaandddd....if you can name all the monsters in the banner without cheating, I will give you a prize. But wait, it's not that easy. You might notice the Frankenstein monster or something in there but you have to tell me which version from which movie. In other words, be as specific as possible. And no cheating! I'm looking at you, Astro, since you cheated on the last contest! :)

I'm not quite sure what the prize will be because right now I am tired, but it'll be something random and fun. Oh, and let me know what you think of the new banner or whatever else.

Fourth of July Weekend

2010-07-03T23:33:00.003-04:00

So last year, I posted about drinking vodka and watching Mill Creek box sets over Fourth of July weekend so this year, I"m gonna post about drinking wine and watching Jean Rollin vampire movies over Fourth of July weekend. I'm most of the way through a 1.5 of pino noir and have already fell asleep to Rollin's REQUIEM FOR A VAMPIRE twice, so the weekend is shaping up nicely. Holidays are so dumb, no one even realizes what the fuck they're celebrating anyway and it's just an excuse for the masses to act like more of idiots than that they are already. That, and traffic through my restaurant is slow, slow, slow. So have fun, drink one for me, and watch horror movie after horror movie. Like you don't do that shit already.

Liberace Meets Vampira!

2010-06-16T23:22:00.002-04:00

Yes, this exists. Yes, unfortunately there's no sound. But seriously, watch and marvel as Vampira vamps it up in her usual sexy way while the gayest man ever wears a jester suit. No foolin', I couldn't have made this up!

More loveliness to come and adventures to regale you with the tales of - namely I saw DANZIG last night, got everyone at work to start howling, and started a poll as to whether you would be a werewolf or a vampire. Personally, I'd rather be a werewolf. Oooowwlllllll!

Thoughts?

What freaked you out as a kid and still freaks you out?

2010-06-10T23:41:00.006-04:00

So Scary Manilow and I were discussing video box art that freaked us out as kids. His was WATCH ME WHILE I KILL and my seminole freak out was 2000 MANIACS. Oh, the blood! I decided, after much wine with my gay, that that would make a nice blog post. What do you guys think? What was the worst video box art for you? What freaked you out the most? What unspeakable things laid in that VHS tape that got your pulse racing? Did you ever watch the movie? Were you disappointed? Did it live up to it's expectations? Sorry, I teach school - I have to ask constant questions. This was the one that did it for me -

2010-06-07T15:25:00.004-04:00

Side Note: I wrote this months ago for a post I was going to do on Father's Day, but then it fell to the wayside. So I present it here now, in its unedited form for your perusal. I hope you find it entertaining, useful, and , at least, comment worthy.

CREEPSHOW is a great movie. There's no denying it. And I know I'm preaching to the choir when I tell you all this. But let's just break it down real quick anyway. It's horror, it's comedy, and it blends the two perfectly, something not all movies that strive to do this can actually pull off. It's got a great cast, including two comedic actors (Ted Danson and Leslie Nielsen) in rare form, a disco dancing Ed Harris, and severed head father's day cake, Adrienne Barbeau, an Artic gorilla, and zombies and roaches galore. Although I could take or leave (more likely leave) Stephen King's performance as the cursed Jordy Verill, the rest of the flick is pretty rock solid.

It's fun, it's spooky, it's directed by George Romero, it has great practical effects courtesy of Tom Savini, and it's just a great time. People get what they deserve, Tom Adkins acts all tough and stuff, and we end up laughing and being grossed out simultaneously. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like somebody's trying to tell us something...

At the heart of several segments in CREEPSHOW lies some deep familial issues. The Father's Day segment is probably the most evident of this - being as how it revolves around an arrogant bastard of a father who drives his daughter Bedilia to knock the life out of him with a marble ashtray. She blames it on a fall, gets off scot free, but returns each year to the scene of the crime to swill Jim Beam out of the bottle and loll around on dear old daddy's grave until sitting down with equally bitchy and cold hearted family members for ham.

Told through flashback, we see poor Bedilia constantly berated by her fuckface of a father, as he screams for his father's day cake. 'I want my cake!' is the refrain and Bedilia, always having been a bit unstable, can't stand it any more, especially when he calls her a bitch. I'd kill the fucker too, the way he acts. It's all deliciously over the top (the lighting and camera work help), but in a way, really fucking sad. Here's this wealthy old monied family who can't get along with one another because money has come between them. Just a matter of time before Pops kicks the bucket and the rest of the clan is rolling in loot. And is is just me, or is there a strong sense of some incest going on between Bedilia and her dad? i could swear that's alluded to. That, and the Aunt, she calls Bedilia the 'patriarch'. Weird.

No one likes each other, although some members may have gotten to know each other in the Biblical sense, and it's all about money, money, money. The message here: families are fucked up. Even rich ones. Especially rich ones. And it's entertaining even without mention of the zombie, the severed head cake, and the Ed Harris disco dancing.

Speaking of fucked up though, Jordy Verill is kinda the opposite of Bedial's clan, but fucked up nonetheless. A worn out country bumpkin with a penchant for booze, Stephen King's portrayal of this broke down soul is pretty goofy. But I kinda feel sorry for Jordy; you figure all this self beratement (he repeatedly calls himself a lunkhead) had to have come from somewhere. And of course, it came from dear old dad again, this time, instead of appearing through flashback, appears as a ghostly presence in a mirror doing a darn good Angus Schrimm impression, to chastise Jordy from beyond the grave. And all Jordy wanted to do was sell a meteor the the college to pay off a bank loan. Instead, the meteor turns Jordy into a walking plant. Jordy never asked for this station in life, but I can tell you what, daddy probably had a lot to do with it. Not the meteors and the exuberant plant life, but with Jordy's self esteem issues and probably his alcoholism as well. I know my parents have driven me to drink on more than one occasion.

Yeah, that's right, just blame it on the parents.

Although the daddy issues are more prevelant in the first two segments of the movie, I still think there are some power relationships at play in the TV segment and the Cage segment. Maybe not in the roach segment. And we cannot forget the prologue. I mean come on, after Tom Adkins disciplines his kid (Stephen King's real life kid, Joe Hill, who has come into his own as a horror author in his own right), he tells his hapless wife, 'that's why God made fathers, babe, that's why God made fathers.'

Oh, CREEPSHOW! I love you for so many reasons! Way to get all psychoanalytic on our asses and make us think for once. At least now, after twenty years of me watching you and several degrees later.

Happy Birthday Keith David!

2010-06-04T13:59:00.002-04:00

As if I needed to tell you Keith David was in motherfuckin' ROADHOUSE, THE THING, and PITCH BLACK, we primarily know him and love him as a down-on-his-luck construction worker named Frank from the longest fight sequence in a movie EVAR. Go watch THEY LIVE and drink every time Rowdy Roddy Piper says something ridiculous. Do it for Keith. It's his birfday.

Some quick thoughts on the movies I watched tonite

2010-05-29T00:46:00.005-04:00

Sam went to go get the step kids in New Joisey today and I was off so I had all day to watch movies and dye my hair, which was a nice break. The BFF stopped by and we gossiped for a bit, drank some wine, smoked some cigs, and then I watched me some movies.

First up was Cavalcade favorite David Cronenberg's RABID. I have been a life long fan of Cronenberg, as long time readers know, but I am ashamed to admit having never seen this one before. And being as how we'll be meeting and greeting with DC in Toronto in less than three months, I might as well finish off his filmography beforehand. And of course I wasn't disappointed. Taking queues from SHIVERS (one of my all time faves), we've got body horror to the tenth degree here with ex-porn star Maryl yin Chambers as a victim of a horrendous motorcycle accident receiving skin graphs that turn her into a vampiress of sorts with a 'penis' that comes out of her armpit in order to sate her thirst for blood. Men, women, whathaveyou, it just turns into an all out feast as she infects the general public of Montreal with her brand of rabies. And the casting choices are by no means an accident, as she seems to relish her role and actually does a fairly decent job as infected seductress with a need to feed. I loved it. I have plenty more to say about this one, but suffice it to say, I'm a bit too drunk to be all academic and eloquent, even though I would like to be.

Up next, I watched EMMANUEL AND THE WHITE SLAVE TRADE. No stranger to director Joe D'amato's 'black Emmanuel' films, this was a little different as we see nympho Emmanuel infiltrate a high falutin' prostituion ring for journalistic ends. Okay, maybe it's not all that different, but here we get to see a drag queen get into a kung fu fight in a bowling alley (!) and Emmanuel actually does get raped. Usually, she escapes such unpleasantness with her cunningness, but here, not so much. There's still the James Bondian elements and spy cameras hidden in zippos, and loads of gratuitous nudity and sex, but there's a pretty filthy vibe here, just because sexy Laura Gemser doesn't escape as she usually does. Good stuff none the less and her real life hubby Gabriel Tinti stars as well. I've always found it weird that these two have done so many flicks together, being as how they are just shy of prOn, but hey, they're European.

I'm currently in the midst of the Lon Chaney collection with ACE OF HEARTS but am taking a break to write this and drink some more wine. It's tragic how Chaney always loved from a distance in his films. Think about it. It's a recurring thing in all his movies. I would have loved him up close and personal.

I have to work breakfast in the morn, but I assure you, more movies will be watched and processed. As I'm watching all this glorious stuff from the seventies and even the twenties, I hate mainstream movies all the more. If I have to make one more cosmo because of all the bitches coming in my restaurant because Sex and the City 2 is playing I may kill myself. Seriously, I got an order for eight cosmos on one ticket the other night! Kill me now!

New VHS collection additions

2010-05-18T21:15:00.006-04:00

I took Bruce out for Vietnamese food and wine for his birfday tonite and then we went to the local old school throwback video store that's like five blocks from my house. Here's what I got out of them for nine bucks! THE CLOWN MURDERS starring John Candy, blogworthy alone just based on the fact that it's got killer clowns and John Candy. THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA which I've coveted for awhile since I read about in my Nightmare USA book. THE LEGEND OF BIGFOOT big box, so sweet and WATCH ME WHILE I KILL, which I know I've heard about and wanted to see forever for whatever reason. And all for the low low price of nine dollars!! Sweet! I couldn't have been more pleased. Clamshells, big boxes, and spicy cuisine. Who could ask for anything else?

I love it when I have a good night off.

Please to note a very fat 31-pound Tuna Cat in the frame outside the pic. Very nice.

Cronenberg, yo!

2010-05-17T20:10:00.003-04:00

So this year's Rue Morgue Fear of Fear's guest of honor is David motherfuckin' Cronenberg! You know I'm getting my tickets the second they go on sale. (AND, as a wonderful, I couldn't have planned it any better incentive to go to Toronto at the end of August, The Specials are playing two shows while we'll be there. Got my tickets for that shit already, ya know it.) Lance Henricksen's gonna be there and Glenn Danzig, too, although I've met Danzig - don't know if I ever told ya'll the story, but it is hilarious - remind me - it's a blog post of it's own - amongst other notables and what have you, so consider me filled with glee. Gives me something to look forward to while I slave away pouring beer and making stupid martinis.

I went to FoF in 2007 when Dario Argento was the guest of honor and it was absolutely fantastic. Not only was he charming and precious, seriously, he was precious, the convention was really well organized and put together and Toronto is a beautiful city. I did break out in hives all over my body for most of the time we were there (something in the hotel sheets, maybe?), but it was seriously one of the best trips of my life. Get your passports out and meet me there.

Seriously...

2010-05-17T00:17:00.003-04:00

Tell me it isn't true?? Is Ronnie James Dio dead? Word around the interwebs says it's so, but I can't get a confirmation! Tell me no! I'll be throwing the devil horns while tipping my forty if this shit's fo' real.

Watching Your Grandpa Play Some Punk Rock

2010-05-12T02:45:00.003-04:00

Yeah, it's almost three am and I had a shot of jamesons and about six beers and just watched the Buzzcocks rock out (if you want to call it that) in DC and then drove all the way home, but dammit I'm awake and having a glass of wine. And I want to tell ya'll about the show. So you know I love me some of that good old fashioned punk rawk and when I heard the Buzzcocks were starting their new tour in DC, you know Sam and I had to go. So I bought us some tickets at some twenty five bucks a piece (remember when punk shows were five bucks?) and we drove the hour and a half to the nation's capital to see us a punk rock show.

Now I know these dudes have been around for a coon's age (love that expression) and I wasn't expecting TOO much, but I certainly wasn't expecting a punk rock jam band. We were promised the first two records in their entirety and what we got was a good opening and then a diversion into complete jam bandery complete with drum solos. They left the pretension at the door - no unnecessary babbling - although there was a bit - but I couldn't understand it because of their thick Bolton accents -, which was nice, considering they're old as fuck and could likely be just as pretencious as say, John Lydon, but that was not the case, which was refreshing. However, frontman Pete Shelley was wearing a Mondrian inspired button down and the drummer and bassist were obviously new, as in younger than seventy, and were mouthing the wrong words to the songs throughout the set. I had to go outside to smoke about halfway through and even then, didn't really want to go back inside.

Sam and I lost each other as he made his way up to dance, but then lost interest when he noticed the exact same things I noticed and decided to go get a drink. We met back up with each other, expressed our concerns, had a beer at the bar next door to the club, and proceeded to the DC drunken eating spot, Ben's Chili Bowl, for some after hours fries and burgers to bitch some more about how much fun we didn't have.

That's not to say we didn't have fun, tho. If you know me, I could have fun in a cardboard box given the right amount of alcohol and the right crowd. And Sam and I always enjoy each other's company and getting the fuck out of town whenever we have a chance. Which lately, is often. So good times. Whatever. Just avoid watching old people play punk rock. It sucks to say, but seriously. Considering we're both on our way to being old. It could have been my dad up there in a very wrong polo shirt trying to recapture his youth and getting exhausted and run down and trying to act they he's having a good time but not really. But in the best way possible. If that makes sense.

Have a good night! Love you all!

Fooligan's Revenge

2010-05-08T01:13:00.003-04:00

So my honey Sam has started a blog of his own and you guys should check it out. He loves them there horror movies we're all so fond of, but he's also a scooter aficionado (he rides a '79 Vespa), has excellent taste in music (ska, soul, reggae, punk - the good shit), and is an all around great dude (although I might be a bit biased in that regard). We've been a bit busy around the Cavalcade - mostly working, drinking, and going to shows - but he promises to update more than I have been lately - which I swear I will rectify very soon. I watched IN A GLASS CAGE tonight - what a fucked up piece that was and we sat through the slowest burn evar - BORN OF FIRE, but weren't entirely disappointed. So stuff has been watched, processed, noted, and put through the ringer around here. Oh well. Get used to my excuses. I can really be a lazy bastard. Especially since I threw my back out falling two nights in a row (one after a party trying to turn the light on in my hallway and the other trying to scale the brick wall behind my house to break onto the balcony after locking myself out on a wine purchasing excursion) and dancing too hard in brand new platforms at a soul show. Anyway....

You can check Sam out here and find out all about our adventures, show experiences, movies watchings, and other crap. And of course, cats. Lots of cats.

http://fooligansrevenge.blogspot.com/

Love you!

Nightmare Remake

2010-04-30T22:21:00.003-04:00

I had a jumbo mango margarita and a huge Dos XX and was super tired after working six days in a row and then Sam and I went to see the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. And after twenty minutes of me bitching that the bath tub scene was too short and the girl they got to play Nancy wasn't as cute as Heather Lagenkamp, I fell asleep. Yep, we spent twenty bucks and I went to sleep. As the credits rolled, Sam shook me awake and I was pissed! Because that is money wasted. But then again, it couldn't have been that great, because it didn't hold my interest. But then again again, I kinda want my money back. Oh well. There's always Netflix. He said it got better after I passed out, but I don't believe him. Whaddayagonnado?