Monday, January 5, 2009

Alien Blood

My review of Alien Blood is mostly a series of questions in no particular order. This review will likely make as much sense as the movie itself. That should give some indicator of how the experience of watching the movie was for christian and me. These were the questions we wrote down about halfway through this god awful piece of shit.
Quick plot synopsis: An alien is here on earth with her child and she's pregnant and there's another alien here too, with her child, but she's not pregnant and that alien and her child get killed by some men with guns so the pregnant alien takes refuge in Dracula's house. I'm serious.

Why is Dracula named James?
Why is the alien speaking French?
Why do bullets kill James? Isn't he a vampire?
Why are the vampires afraid of the aliens? They're vampires. (I come back to this one - the vampires act so freakin un-vamp like. They have fangs, that's about all. They don't drink blood, appear to be affected by crosses, they even celebrate Christmas, for crying out loud! There's a Christmas tree in their house! They drink wine and are all around wusses. James takes a bullet and falls dead. Whatever happened to beheading or the stake through the heart?! They vampires, people! Vampires. Vampires are the badasses of the monster world. They are, by my account anyway, much, much more badass than an french-speaking pregnant alien with a tiny handgun.)
Is the alien male or female? Both? (It clearly looks like a dude in a wig and there's very little dialogue, except for the French stuff, which could have been dubbed in.)
Why are the men following the aliens? Who are the men? Who are the aliens? Why are they here anyway? Why is it new year's eve?
What the hell was that? (This was Christian's question in reference to a completely random shot of a forest and bagpipe music softly playing in the background. This was a question that is asked at least fourteen hundred times throughout the course of the one hour twenty minute running time.)
Again, vampires are acting un-vampire like - how is it they can be out during the day?
Why, why, why, any of this? Seriously.
I was lying in bed after we watching this fucking thing, and I was laughing to the point of tears. One reviewer on Netflix commented: Alien Blood? More like Alien Vomit. I couldn't stop thinking about this movie. The thing about it was, we really enjoyed watching it. We laughed, we were confused, but we had a good time. I don't think I've seen a movie this bad EVER. Worse than Manos, Hands of Fate, worse that Eegah. I don't think MST3K could have done a number on this one, it's that freakin horrible. I know, I watch a lot of stuff, some good, some utter crap, some so-bad-they're-good movies, and some so-bad-i-want-to-rip-my eyes-out bad. This was neither. I was able to watch it and it's been fun writing this 'review' of it, so I can't say I want that hour and twenty back from my life. I often feel this way if I see a mainstream or blockbuster movie, like it was a complete waste of my time. Most movies today don't require half the discussion we bestowed upon Alien Blood. This one really needed a good deconstruction because there was no discernable reason for anything that happened. We really should make our own damn movie, as Lloyd Kaufman (Troma is actually responsible for distributing Alien Blood, and this is bad even by their standards) tells us, because anything, anything could be better. But maybe not as much fun. Because a bad movie is a good time.
Couple other things to note about Alien Blood: There is a CGI alien 'mother' (maybe?) that the aliens sometimes communicate with, sort of, possibly telepathically. But in one scene, a vampire may or may not communicate with her/him? Who knows.
And also, the pregnant alien does get her ass killed at the end (sorry, spoiled the ending for ya there) at the exact moment when the mothership arrives to carry her and her daughter away. Well, she's lying there dead and they get the daughter, the alien priestesses aboard the ship get the daughter, and they leave the alien there in the Dracula house, to die. Christian's question and possibly my favorite of the whole experience, Why can't they psychically lift her body into the space ship? Now tell me the last time that question left your mouth or the next time it might.
So yeah, Alien Blood. I'm sorry. Actually, no I'm not. I'm not sorry for this at all. I'm proud of this. Well, maybe not my rambling review of sorts, but for a movie like Alien Blood to actually get made, there has to be someone to instill pride, right? Or not. Watch if you dare. Or if you are very, very high.

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