Fourth of July Weekend

I hate weekends where I'm forced to take off work - and for what? Because of fireworks? I light fireworks off every day, bitches. Well, I don't really, but I should. It's on the list. Anyway, looks like the weekend off is shaping up to where I get super acquainted with the above bottle of vodka, the wine featured next to it (although I'm not really expecting that to last much more of tonite, really) and the Gore and More Ten Pack which includes The Werewolf vs. The Vampire Women starring my man, Paul Naschy, as well as Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory, which I have always wanted to see and never have. Doesn't really take much to make me happy, honestly. So Happy Fourth of July or whatever, drink a lot, watch a lot of horror movies and enjoy a picture of a kitty riding a shark. Because nothing screams independence like a furry mammal atop a prehistoric killing machine.

And because there aren't any Fourth of July themed horror flicks out there, unless you count Silver Bullet, which I think takes place during Fourth of July. Hey, it's got a werewolf (who's also in Twin Peaks AND People Under the Stairs, not in werewolf form though, unfortunately, how different would those aforementioned have been, huh?) AND Busey AND Corey Haim in a souped up wheelchair. I might just have to add that to this weekend's festivities. Oh, sorry, you were enjoying the picture of the kitty with the shark. So sorry.

Shark Attack!

As long time readers likely know, I love anything dealing with a giant shark. I dry myself every morning after my shower with a towel with giant sharks on it. I have a giant stuffed shark that I sleep with. I've been devouring (pun intended, natch) Steve Alten's fiction concerning Megalodon this past month. And I watch anything and everything that has to do with sharks, giant or otherwise. So this week, I have spent a majority of my time watching, amongst other things, Danny Lerner's shark movies (Shark Attack, Shark Zone, and Raging Sharks). He also directed Sharks in Venice.

Aspiring filmmakers take note; Lerner's movies are an exercise in the following:

-If someone gives you a giant shark head puppet or you come into possession of a giant shark head puppet some sort of way, legal or otherwise, make movies with it! Make lots of movies with it!

-Use the same giant shark head puppet in three different movies with the same effect. Don't change anything about it. It's perfect the way it is, complete with apparent hole in the upper mouth. It doesn't matter if the puppet has holes in it - fill that in with extremely noticeable CGI in post.

-Use same stock footage repeatedly. And I do mean repeatedly. Who cares if it's obvious! If you found it in the stock footage library archives and it somewhat fits with your movie, by all means, use the hell out of it! Use it ten, fifteen times in the same movie! Hell, use scenes from your other giant shark movies in the new, somewhat dissimilar, shark movie you're currently directing! Why not?! Save time and money!

-Intertwine CG sharks, giant shark puppet heads, and stock footage. It should not matter that the CG sharks look nothing like those in the stock footage or like that of the puppet. By seeming to not care about these details, you seem like a artiste.

-If your usual giant shark movies are seemingly a bit on the stale side, integrate an alien subplot involving cold fusion, a black ops rogue fighter, and Corbin Bernsen. You can probably find stock footage of aliens somewhere or maybe your producer friend shot some footage of aliens for another movie, so you could again, save time and money by using those sequences shot for another movie, all the while injecting life into another sharks running amok sequence.

-Every movie should open the exact same way - with an aerial shot of a plane flying FAST over the sea. Just shoot it once and edit out the casts' names later on. Once again, money and time saver.

Thank you, Mr. Lerner, for helping me become a better filmmaker. If I, too, came into possession of a giant shark puppet head (*fingers crossed*), I would take that as a sign from somewhere that I needed to get into a big old tank full of water with a camera and make my own giant shark movie. It doesn't matter that these movies are hardly technically proficient, involve stupid action sequences that go on for way too long (sometimes I forget I'm watching a giant shark flick), or have serious plot holes, continuity errors, and repetition of obvious stock footage. When I get off work, all I want to do is come home, curl up with a nice big vodka soda, and watch some CG sharks piss off Casper van Dien. I seriously could not ask for anything more from my life.

Side note: I did also recently watch Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but since Lerner didn't have anything to do with that movie, I didn't think it warranted discussion here. I freakin' loved it; it actually far surpassed the aforementioned, as far as the schlock factor goes, however the internets are currently all a-flutter about it, so I figured I didn't need to throw my two cents in at this time.

Also slated for this week's unofficial Shark Attack week is the Lerner-produced Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. You know, since I've been reading Alten's Meg series, I've become obsessed with Megalodons. They are just so fucking scary. Could you even fucking imagine a shark that's 75 feet long and has a dorsal fin that's some odd seven feet high? The teeth, of which it has at least 24 rows, are over a foot long and made of bone that could cut through a diamond. A Megalodon could snap a 2,800 pound Great White right in half! A shark that big is about the scariest thing I could ever conceive. I can't even wrap my brain around seeing something like that! Jaws, Schmaws. I know Lerner's Meg movie will be peppered with ridiculous CG, but if someone made a realistic (and very expensive) adaptation of one of Alten's books, I think I would die! I wouldn't even be able to go see it! I would literally throw up. That's how scared I would be.

You know, it's nice (and refreshing) to actually still be scared of something in horror, since we all get kinda jaded being fanatics and all. We forget sometimes what it's like to actually be scared of the movies we watch and the books we read. Megalodons scare the bejeesus outta me and that's a good time!

Sharks in Venice

To Do List:

1. Teach non-descript class involving Oceanography, deep-sea diving, and shark attacks at University

2. Find Medici treasure from the 8th Crusade

3. Expose shark conspiracy in Venice canals

4. Run afoul of the mob

5. Avenge father's death

If this sounds like some sort of hackneyed Indian Jones 'to do' list, you're right, in that it's Stephen Baldwin's 'to do' list in Sharks in Venice. See if any of this sounds vaguely familiar: adventurer professor Dr. Daniel Franks (Baldwin) is summoned to Venice from his cushy teaching job at University because of a 'propeller accident' involving his adventurer professor father. Upon finding dad's apartment in shambles from someone searching for the late Dr. Franks' notes on sharks and Medici treasure, Daniel sets out to find out who or what killed his dear old dad. Seems he has some of the same spirit.

However, it seems some stock footage of great whites is stalking the canals of Venice, put there by the mob boss Clemenza, so divers won't be tempted to look for the Medici treasure. Actually, it's a combo of stock footage and a plaster looking orca (for the close up attack shots) stalking the canals of Venice, if you want to get technical. And by Venice, I don't mean Venice, Italy, I mean, that hotel in Vegas that you can ride the gondola through, computer generated images of Venice, and a sound stage in Bulgaria.

As menacing as all this sounds, Daniel, being the great adventurer professor he is and like his father was, finds the Medici treasure no problem, of course attracting the attention of Clemenza. (The scene where Daniel finds the treasure is strait outta Last Crusade - complete with booby traps, cobwebs, triumphant music, the whole thing, but instead of being pursued by Nazis, Daniel is pursued by great white stock footage.) He takes a cheap looking emerald to prove he's found the treasure and jumps back into the water, barely escaping with his life.

At this point, I was a little disappointed because we are yet to be treated to giant CGI sharks attacking people in Venice or sound stage in Bulgaria, whatever you want to call it. (I guess Sharks on Sound Stage in Bulgaria isn't as compelling a title as Sharks in Venice.) I won't be disappointed for long, though, as the movie (sort of) delivers, with three or four cheap looking digital shark attack effects. I mean, seriously, this is why I watch these types of movies, for the cheap CGI, not for stock footage of great whites, which I can see on the Discovery channel. But where can you see a whole CGI city? There are some scenes of Venice exteriors that are completely computer generated. I think it would have been easier to just spring for the actual trip to Venice and then CGI the shark in, rather than the other way around. But I'm not a stickler; it really just adds to Sharks in Venice's cheapie charm.

Anyway, Clemenza offers Daniel two million bucks (Aren't they in Europe though? Shouldn't it be euros?) to go back in the shark infested canal and find the Medici treasure again. Well, being a mob guy, he doesn't really offer, he more tells him he has to do it or else he'll kill his girlfriend, medieval history professor adventurer Laura. Sparing you the details, Daniel follows through, natch - he's a great professor adventurer, and Clemenza gets fed to the plaster orca and everyone hugs and gives each other kisses and calls it a day It's all wrapped up nice and neat, we breathe a collective sigh of relief that the canals of CG Venice are now safe, credits appear, and then, BAM! a shark attacks a gondola! We're not safe after all! Stephen Baldwin failed us again! If I had a nickel for every time someone's said that....

I might not be a great professor adventurer like Stephen Baldwin, but anything involving giant CG sharks is at the top of my 'to do' list.