New Tattoo!

He's barely an hour old and still pretty gross! But I wanted so badly to share him with you. It's my Paul Naschy/Wolf Man tribute and he's exactly perfectly the way I wanted him! Rawr!

Batcat

Or is is Catman? Damn, I wish I had thought of this first. I opened an email from Bruce and here this was. Oh man! How I laughed! The cat kinda looks like Deniro, so I can just pretend.

The House of the Devil

I have two very boring jobs. One, I get to teach Composition to a bunch of morons; two, I get to bring people food and kiss their asses so they'll leave me money. Both seem to pay the bills and keep the cats in chow and me in tattoos, but they are both not what you would call the most stimulating occupations in the universe. Therefore, when I watch me one of these here horror movies we all know and love so much, I don't want to be bored. Quite the opposite. I want to be entertained! I want my movie watching experience to enrich my boring life as I drink pino grigio! I could just sit here and drink wine of out the box from Target, but I want something horrific to play out in the background while I'm doing so.

So, THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL! Why you waste my time, bitch? This is pretty much how it goes after Samantha shows up for her babysitting job at a creepy house in the middle of nowhere that she obtained by calling a number off of a cryptic flyer posted all about her college campus.

See Samantha shoot pool! See Samantha wander aimlessly around a house that we can't quite understand the layout of and never really will! See her dance around like an idiot and break a vase! See Samantha order pizza! See her call her BFF a couple of times! See her drink some water! See all of this for an hour! At least! Exhilarating, no?

To the film's credit however, it does have Mary Worvonov, an actress whose bath water I would gladly drink, as an aging weirdo Satanist and Dee Wallace as a sweet landlady (but only for a quick second). I love both of these lasses infinitely, but their presences alone isn't enough to save this snooze. But Dee and Mary are looking a little long in the tooth here, and I hope it's just the styling. Seriously, Mary W. was a hot piece in the day and I would hate to think she's aged as terribly as she looks here.

Also, giving credit where credit is due, the final act is a blood filled romp and roll, but it's so out of place after all the boring slow burn it almost seems like it's from another movie entirely. The look isn't quite grainy enough to pull off the early eighties grindhouse feel director Ti West is going for and I remember really really hating West's other feature, THE ROOST, but I had to see it because it involved bats and I love bats.

Just another reason I don't like new horror movies. I promise that I'll watch something old in the next few days that I actually like and can say something nice about. It's more fun to review something that's a good time, don't you agree?

Happy Birthday David Cronenberg!

Happy 67th birthday to David Cronenberg - director of one of the best remakes of ever (THE FLY) and portrayer of the creepiest killer ever (NIGHTBREED), amongst other great weird cinematic achievements. Who else has brought William S. Burroughs (NAKED LUNCH) AND JG Ballard (CRASH) to the screen? And sex zombies in a modern high rise starring Barabara Steele AND Lynn Lowry (SHIVERS)? Forget about it! Don't even get me started on the horrors of birth in THE BROOD or all that crazy dual personality gynocology stuff in DEAD RINGERS!

What haven't you done, David? You brought us Marilyn Chambers in RABID. Head explosions (SCANNERS) will never be the same. eXistenZ was a return to form for you! And car crashes never have turned me on more.

Cronenberg! You rock! This Gallo tastes ten times better when I drink it thinking of you.

Put on HISTORY OF VIOLENCE - it's good shit - nature vs. nurture and all that and Vigo Mortensen is a hot piece and raise a glass!

Announcement!

See that cute looking dude holding that Moochie and wearing pjs smoking a cigarette? On Halloween of this year, I, Jenn Francis, am getting married to that cute looking dude! I've always wanted a spooky Halloween wedding! Always! And no white for this be-otch. I'm going with either purple or red and we're getting hitched in an awesome cemetery right by the creepiest masoleum, if they'll let us. I have to call them tomorrow. Then it's a big costume masquerade after that. I cannot fucking wait. I just got my ring on Friday and it's fucking fantastic - a skull claddagh with a huge diamond heart and bones as the band. Sweet. Everyone's invited! It's a monster movie Halloween theme with costumes optional but encouraged :)

Our Lady

Two days ago, March 7, marked the twenty-second anniversary of the death of the greatest performers to have ever lived. I'm talking about none other than Divine. I was only ten when Divine passed away from heart failure the night before she was supposed to appear on Married...With Children, but I would discover her about ten years later, when the BFF and I caught PINK FLAMINGOS at a midnight show at the old revival theatre where I worked. I was early into my weird movie watching quest. Not quite sure what I was seeing unfold (chicken fucking, poop eating, asshole singing), I was hooked. It's like a genre unto itself. I get the title of this blog from some of Divine's finest work in MULTIPLE MANIACS and I count FEMALE TROUBLE as one of the my favorite movies of all time. I think I've seen it more times than anything else. Divine's career is truly one of those things that reminds me to keep it weird and wonderful all the time. I love you, Divy.

Friday Night, Pervs!

Greetings and salutations, perverts, it's been a minute. Although I suffered through THE RED SHOES yesterday, I won't put you through a review. Maybe if you had a penchant for unattractive ladies pumps filmed s-l-o-w-l-y and you asked me real nice, I could might whip something up for ya. But don't hold your breath.

After a few more glasses of wine, I'm venturing out to finally see THE WOLFMAN, although everyone keeps saying how terrible it is. I mean, come on. If anyone is going to get anything out if it, it's going to be me AND even though I've seen the original enough times to quote it by heart, Sam and I watched it last night after work for comparison purposes. Although I think I passed out halfway through. And seriously, how could Claude Rains possibly be Lon Chaney's dad? I've forever had a problem with that.

Here, enjoy these two excellent illustrations. Thanks, Bruce, for the cool pics, as usual. Shit, bitch. you is fine.