Friday, February 26, 2010

Dead Snow

I've mentioned once or twice (every day) that I prefer those oddball flicks from the seventies and eighties above anything and everything new and slick in horror these days. While I do venture out to the theatre for horror releases and I do rent the latest buzz around the internets, I just tend not to really fully enjoy new horror ventures. I can't help but think during anything new that I watch that a mid-seventies Italian giallo version would be better or that Jean Rollin could offer more panache to this or that or if Paul Naschy were only in this, etc.

DEAD SNOW is the perfect example of why I don't like new horror movies and why I don't like zombie movies any more. It's just not good. It's not entertaining. It's textbook and boring and tries to be quirky with its dumbass character that I don't care about. The diaglogue is lame (although that could be due in part to watching it dubbed) and there is sex while pooping, something that could NOT be any grosser. The couple pairings don't work, Nazi zombies just aren't as edgy as they used to be, the makeup effects are not particularly overwhelming (however, the whole hanging from a cliff fighting a zombie while hanging from another zombie's intestines was pretty rad), and it's referential but not in a good way.

All that banter about venturing out to a cabin in the woods crap and referencing EVIL DEAD and FRIDAY the 13TH just comes off as contrived. And it's got male characters saying the lamest sexist shit about women being scared and that's their nature and blah. I thought this movie was from this decade?

It does look nice and blood looks good on splattered on snow, but since when do I give a crap about something being well shot? I watch prints of movies that look like they were drug across the ocean floor and enjoy them more than this. I found myself wandering away to bleach my hair, check the mail, and vacuum all during the hour and a half running time of this bore.

Zombies are the new pirates and have been for awhile. They just don't do it for me any more.

That and I'm just cranky. DEAD SNOW actually served its purpose because sometimes you just want to bitch about a movie. Or at least I do; don't know about you lot.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


The latest edition to my collection of awesome! An original REVENGE OF THE MUMMY starring my boyfriend, Paul Naschy, poster straight from Spain, mofos! I won't disclose how much I paid for it, but let's just say it was worth every fucking penny and looks great in my foyer! You're jealous!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Blue Sunshine

I love when a movie gets off on a great start. Take for instance Cavalcade favorite Jeff Leiberman's little known BLUE SUNSHINE (1976). I've loved Leiberman's SQUIRM for years and am also a big fan of JUST BEFORE DAWN, as well as his most recent outing, SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER, so how BLUE SUNSHINE has slipped through the cracks is unbeknowst to me. I won't say I was totally disappointed and you'll see why in a second. Shall we?

Like I said, we're off to a rip roaring start while in the first ten minutes, we meet gorgeous brunette baby sitter, Wendy, who's ex-husband Ed Fleming is running for congress. One of Wendy's babysitting charges pulls her hair out in an uncomfortable character building scene and cut to a disgruntled wife telling her husband's friend how weird husband John, a cop, has been lately. She also utters the first MAD line of the movie (at her child, who for some reason, has a parrot on his shoulder, a live parrot), "Johnny, NO! No more chocolate pudding!!! I made that for your father! NOW STOP IT!" Then she just goes right back into her convo, that is, until husband John comes home and stares eerily at everyone.

Then cut again to a swinging party, where one fucked up party goer does his best Rodan impression, and I don't mean the artist. Then host Frannie (a dude) does a accapella Sinatra cover before a guest manages to snatch his hair off his head. He goes completely wild in the eyes and runs screaming from the house. The party guests decide to go look for him, leaving some of the women folk back at the house to muse about the strangeness that just occurred in front of an open fireplace. We don't have to wait long before Frannie returns and stuff all three lovelies in the fireplaces, barbecuing them to death. And this is all in the first ten minutes! Good stuff so far.

Well, so protagonist and Sean Penn impersonator Jerry takes it upon himself to get to the heart of all this weirdness. Why did Frannie go crazy? Jerry winds up getting the murders of the three fireplace victims blamed on him because he's there when the cops show up, or rather when the crazy truckers show up to take justice into their own hands, but let's not get into that at the moment. Jerry finds himself in the thick of things when he realizes this is happening to his doctor friend, David, as well as John the copy who has the kid with the parrot - remember him? Seems there's been some unpleasantness at John's residence, revealed through Jerry glancing at a newspaper that John ripped off his hair and slaughtered his whole brood, including the neighbors dog.

So why's everybody freaking out? If you guessed LSD everyone did at a Stanford ten years ago and that the future Congressman Ed Fleming was the drug dealer that sold everyone this acid then you would be correct. It's a bit X-Filesy in places, but lacks that supernatural element to really pull off something entirely of that nature. I thought I would really really love this, given the beginning. It starts off great, moves into slowness with totally 'duh' revelations, and while you might think there's an anti-drug message here, Leiberman treats it just too casually.

Is it too overt that it looses any preachiness at all? I don't think it's didactic at all, it's almost as if everything here is presented at total face value. It's not telling us 'don't do drugs.' Is it telling us not to trust politicians, being as how Fleming was the drug dealer at some point? We already don't trust politicians. BLUE SUNSHINE is just like, okay, here's some drug stuff and some political stuff, maybe even a touch of medical ethics, but I don't have anything to say about this heavy stuff, really, so um, yeah, here you go. It could have even gone the trippy psychedelic angle, but it didn't even do that, save for one picture of Fleming back in his Stanford days wearing a wig and looking all high.

So on paper here's what we've got - LSD, hairlessness, grisly murders, some unintentionally funny kill/freak out sequences, a possible anti-drug message, a possible anti-establishment message (although that's a stretch given how everyone acts and how everything is treated), a parrot, and some disco dancing. Doesn't sound too bad. I think this could have perhaps been a very punk movie, instead it's just so blah in its execution, it fails miserably. It was sort of okay fun to watch and the score was dead on - a real tension builder. Oh well, Jeff Leiberman apparently can't win them all. Look at Tobe Hooper of all people. Jeez.

Okay, onto wine and Danzig radio. You know if you program Pandora for Danzig radio - they play shit like Metallica and Pantera. I don't want to hear Metallica and Pantera. I want to hear fucking Danzig. Remind me to tell you all the story about when I met Glenn Danzig, if I haven't told you already. After dinner and Danzig, I"m going to watch Milligan's THE BODY BENEATH, so look for that write up soon.

Happy weekend!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentines Day!

Nothing says I love you like a fold out cock and balls and some topiary.

Oh, and P.S. this is the text from the BFF who is currently on tour with his band Worn in Red, I received today: Thought of you 2x today, Francis. 1st, because the place we stayed @ last night had a huge pile of cut up fingernails on theyre [sic} entertainment center adn 2nd I'm drinking st. ides.

I don't even think this needs an explanation.

After Hours Shopping Mall Mayhem

Do you all have any idea the brutality that was the last forty-eight hours? Any clue? Try getting up with a hangover and bringing people fucking mimosas, coffee, and other crap until five in the evening three days in a row! Do it and see how you feel! If afterwards you feel like stuffing your face full of delicious cuban food and drinking until you pass out with cats all around you, you'll be justified. I mean, it's lucrative as all hell, but damn if I ain't tired of people's bullshit by about the ninth hour.

So despite all that and the boyfriend and I working opposite schedules in the same restaurant (which also sucks), I managed to make a list of my all time favorite after hours shopping mall mayhem moments. Because it's what I do when I've reached my threshold.

1. BLUE SUNSHINE. Yes, Jeff Leiberman will forever hold a place in my heart for directing long-time fave SQUIRM, and I even liked his newest effort, SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER, despite the horrible video game graphics, but BLUE SUNSHINE is a trippy, awesome 70's flick that I should review in it's entirety, but I'm just too tired right now. Fear the effects of residual LSD use, people! Your hair will fall out in patches and you'll terrorize people after the department store is closed! Heed this warning.

2. ELVES. I reviewed this movie here sometime ago and had a blast doing so. It's a great sorta-kinda Xmas themed Nazisploitation mixed with perhaps a Pagan meaning of Christmas with Grizzly Adams thrown into the mix. Still, it's from the 80's, so there's a mall! And it's every teen chick's dream sort of scenario (although not mine, because I was too busy listening to the Sex Pistols and The Ramones to care about the mall! Fo' sho'). The three chica protagonists invite their main squeezes to the mall where they work after hours for a little slap and tickle, but unbeknownst to them the Nazi Elf Third Reich is looking for the perfect specimen to impregnate, so a couple of bloody murders later, it's not so fun any more. Oh well. If I was locked in a mall after dark, I would sure as hell put on the trashiest lingerie I could find and make use of the cosmetics counter, Punk or no.

3. NIGHT OF THE COMET. Same as the aforementioned really, only this time it's the zombie Apocalypse. Lots of use of the cosmetics; good time is had by all.

4. CHOPPING MALL. Also sharing a connection with NIGHT OF THE COMET, in that it stars the adorable Kelli Maroney as well. In addition, it has the rapturous Barbara Crampton baring her boobies for all to see in a mall after hours party to end all mall after hours parties. When those SHORT CIRCUIT style security robots show up, not even a poor man's Peter Faulk (Dick Miller) can save us.

5. And of course, no post about a fucking mall would be complete without Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD. Predating all the aforementioned mall movies, with the excecption of BLUE SUNSHINE which came out in '76, DAWN OF THE DEAD will forever remain the quintessential mall horror movie. And I needn't go into further detail.

So there we have it. Any others you care to add? This is all I can deal with at the moment. Here, have a pic of Moochie in his new bandana dictating what we watch on TV:

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Bad Biology

It's no secret I have a huge hard-on for Frank Henenlotter. He's an amazing director. He gave us BASKET CASE for crying out loud! (I have always loved the saying 'for crying out loud.' It makes me think of my grandfather, gods rest his soul. He also use to call the couch the 'davenport.' Who talks like that? Whenever we would jump on the davenport, he would always say, 'for crying out loud, stop jumping on the davenport!' Fond memories.) So I was super fuckin' stoked when I heard about BAD BIOLOGY being in the works and I've waited nearly over a year for Franky to give me some of that sweet old school New York sleaze I've been forever fond of. I mean, the man hasn't directed a movie in like two decades or some shit! And he rules!

I must say, I wasn't disappointed in the slightest! Rare! Super excited! I swear to you, BAD BIOLOGY was so much freakin' fun and as much as I hate critic speak, a return to form for my favorite grindhouse Times Square sleazoid cinema director EVAR (with perhaps maybe the exception of Andy Milligan - however, I don't have the same nostalgic budding horror movie fan connection with Milligan as I do with Henenlotter).

BB is the a boy with freak drug addicted penis meets the girl with crazy mutated vagina tale. It takes them nearly the entire running time to meet and the love is unrequited, but it's still a good time getting there. Jen is a talented photographer with an insatiable sex drive who finds solace in bedding, and subsequently murdering, random men she meets in clubs and bars. Batz is a reclusive hot piece with a sentient drug addicted penis who is miserable with his station in life because it's hard to jerk off and have regular relationships with women because his member literally has a mind of its own. The scenes with Batz telepathically communicating with is phallus aren't too unlike Duane and Belial's interactions in BASKET CASE and I believe this is entirely intentional. He tells that thing to shut up, tries to block out communication with it, and sweats, covers his ears and chews the scenery all the while during these scenes.

So Jen has to do a photo shoot at Batz' decaying house, which is how they meet. She's instantly smitten after she sneaks back in after seeing his dick for a second in the bathroom, and watches him fuck a prostitute. He gives her an orgasm for like forty-five minutes after two seconds of sex with is mutated member and Jen knows this is the man for her. She's been looking for something like this her whole life. But, all is not to end in blissful happiness, as Batz' dick and balls detaches itself from his body and goes on a raping spree of nubile young women in the apartment complex not too far down the road. Jen gets there too late and the poor penis, withdrawing from steroids, can't be messed with any further. And without his manhood, all Batz is left to do is foam at the mouth.

And did I mention that Jen is able to gestate a fetus in less than two hours after intercourse? Of course I didn't. Every time she has sex, she has a mutant freak baby that she abandons about two hour later. Good stuff.

The standard addiction stuff is all here. I've always maintained Henenlotter is violently against addiction. Look at BRAIN DAMAGE if you need more evidence. This is truly his most anti-drug/addiction film yet. Not only do the 'protagonists' suffer from severe sex addiction, of which isn't considered psychological, rather biological, an idea of a addiction that I've always personally maintained, Batz' penis is a drug addict itself. Drugs figure prominently in the picture, with a key scene where Batz goes to by drugs to satiate his dick's growing addiction (pun intended) where there is a grotesque picture painted of those addicted to meth. It's comical, in true Henenlotter style, because the man is definitely a master when it comes to the over the top horror comedy, but it still rings very scary for those who have experienced drug addiction firsthand.

The film is over the top hilarious and sad. It paints those that suffer from drug afflicted maladies in a comedic light, but still has an air of importance and seriousness. It's highly imaginative and, while I would have like a bit more of Gabe Bartolos supreme SFX, the sentient stop motion penis towards the end is good enough for me. Charlee Daniels that plays Jen is totally great - she has the perfect amount of over-zealous aplomb to be in a Henenlotter picture. Her sex scenes are so great! And she' beautiful, hilarious, and empathetic, even though she's a total murdering psycho with issues. Batz reminds me of Brian from BRAIN DAMAGE and Duane from BASKET CASE in that he could be the bastard love child of the two. He's sweaty, deplorable, weird, and addicted, but somehow you feel for him.

AND it has Casey Belial, the lovable hooker and Duane's confident from BASKET CASE, makes a cameo as Batz' nosey neighbor. I was on the lookout for cameos from other Henenlotter regs, like Kevin Van Hynreck, but my trained eye wasn't honed enough if that exists herein.

Great times, good sleazy stuff, and vagina masks, penis CPR, and arsty photos of guys getting killed while they cum. A feminist manifesto? I don't think so. A sexploitative romp with a message about drug addiction? Maybe.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Sistene Chapel Ain't Got Nuthin' on Me and Tuna!

It's rare a cat will let you hold their paws. I hold all my cats paws all the time, however. And I always say to the BFF, let's hold paws and he never wants to, less I cock block him. FINAL EXAM, btw, a bummer.

Snowed in, Freddy Krueger Cat, and Movie Watching Shenanigans

Snowed in AGAIN! Seriously. WTF. Do you all know how this fucks with my money? People don't leave the house in a blizzard to have me bring them eggs. It's a true fact. And we're supposed to get two more feet by the end of the weekend. I live in the SOUTH! So there's little else to do but give you Freddy Cat. And tell you I'm going to watch FINAL EXAM. That is all.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


There is no denying I love SQUIRM (1976). I have the framed original poster art hanging in my bedroom. I wear the tshirt at least two times a week to sleep in AND go out, and own both the VHS and DVD copies of the film. That being said, I watch it at least two to three times a year, since discovering over a decade ago, and show it to my house guests if they haven't had the pleasure of seeing it. I would say it is definitely in my top ten, which includes, but is not limited to, FROGS, BASKET CASE, FEMALE TROUBLE, and THEY LIVE.

So, I had the new man in my life over last night, got a box of wine at Target on sale, and commenced with a SQUIRM viewing. What a fucking great night!

The premise is pretty simple, really. It's a nature-run-amok tale involving worms that have been made all animated and killy by an electrical storm. It takes place in the rural town of Fly Creek, Georgia and the accents definitely reflect this. The story revolves around Mitch, a dorky New Yorker who has traveled to Fly Creek to meet gorgeous ginger, Geri, presumably for an antiquing trip, but there's no denying the chemistry between the two. Geri lives with her mother, who becomes increasingly paranoid over the course of the movie, and her stoner, platform shoe wearing sister, Alma, who also seems to have a bit of a thing for Mitch. Mitch and Geri get into the thick of the things when the worms start going crazy, as is their way, and barely escape with their lives. Not much pretense, all entertainment.

It's from the seventies, it has the BEST line in a movie EVAR (You're going to be the spoil! You're going to be the wormface! - Tell me that is not the best line you've ever heard in your natural born life?), the worms look cool as shit (I think Rick Baker worked on this movie - one of his first gigs), and it's wholly believable as well. There are some great graphic scenes, the setting is effective, and the score strange and ominous. It's got all the tropes for a Cavalcade approved super awesome fun time!

It's also punctuated my life at various stages. Does anyone else have movies like this? I can remember watching it back when Bruce and I were together and the power was about to go out because of this horrible hurricane that was ripping through Richmond. It was literally the last movie I saw for twelve days while we waited to get our power back. Another time, I was getting tattooed and mentioned selling my movies so I could get more tattoos (I would never do that - it was just a remark). The dude that tattoos me said, whatever you want to do, just don't get rid of SQUIRM. I can think of all the people I've shown it to over the years and the people that it's resonated with ultimately stay in my life. I'm serious! I It also makes me think of my BFF from college because it was the last episode of MST3K and she absolutely adores that show. So you see, SQUIRM just isn't a movie for me; it's a serious part of my life. That sounds hokey but it's one of the reasons I'm a crazy obsessed movie person and totally got me started on loving all things regarding animals invading the human sphere. SQUIRM has always been there for me and I'm thankful for that.

Geez, I don't have a life ;) Off to finish off that box o'wine.