Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Last night I wasn't using my normal mental prowess (hehe) and decided after getting off work and not eating any dinner that staying out until last call drinking copious amounts of alcohol would be a good idea because the BFF got dumped by his woman. I was clearly exhibiting such behavior in the interest of being a good friend. Well, that's the last fucking time I'm being supportive and consoling because today I am paying for it with hunger, thirst, and a raging headache. Since I'm not fit to be seen in public, I shall regale you with the tale of BOARDINGHOUSE.

A simple premise really - a flamboyant psychic Lothario, Jim, inherits a haunted house from his uncle and places an ad in the paper for lovely ladies to come rent rooms. A harem of beauties show up and begin to romp topless around the pool, sex up Jim, and die all by the hand of a malevolent force that resides within in the house for some reason. I say for some reason because BOARDINGHOUSE is one of those movies that accounts for NOTHING within its plot. You would never guess by the above synopsis that this is one of the maddest, craziest, fucked up, HORRIBLE movies in the history of my movie watching career. It actually defies genre, spits in narrative's face, and yet still leaves me entertained. I'm holding my head and rocking back and forth, but I'm still entertained. I think if you spliced this thing together backwards it would still make the same amount of sense that it does in the order it was meant to be presented.

Let me try to recreate the experience, although it likely won't work. This is one where I should just stop now, tell you to go netflix this charming piece of garbage, and then you can get back to me. And likely your only comment will be Wow, and wow. Really, just wow. Here we go - don't stop me if you get confused. It will only lead to more confusion.

After some weirdness at an asylum - a doctor is forced to hang herself by an evil presence, phones ring for no reason off camera, and some other stuff - we are treated to our first image of Jim, aforementioned telepathic gigolo, in a speedo, sitting in lotus position on the desk in (his?) office. He makes the plants shake with his mind and then dips his socks in a crystal bowl of water before putting them back on and meets a roaring drunk that barges into the office for no real reason whatsoever. So you're thrown off by the weird beginning, then as you start to get the hang of it, sorta, here comes this drunk to mess it all up.

Back at Jim's haunted abode, the girls are arriving by the car-full. They all seem like your typical horror victim females and for the most part they are, but they arrive in such numbers and so quickly and appear so haphazardly, it's hard to keep track of who's who and what their relationships are to each other. Some appear to know one another, others are meeting for the first time. Are we supposed to care about these females? Likely not - it seems as if they're more friends of the director (the guy that plays Jim - John Wintergate) than actual actresses.

The first real dose of horror comes when one of the girls, when trying to light a cigarette on an electric stove gets an icepick through her hand. Everyone stands around and stares and Jim says, 'all her fingers work; I checked them.' Okay, Jim, whatever you say. They slap a couple bandaids on that serious flesh wound and call it a day.

Other weirdness occurs, such as the loping around of a weird gardener - think early 80's punk rocker/bum/war veteran - who likes to just stare at the girls, natch. One of the chicas tries to befriend him. 'Aren't you the gardener? I thought you only worked at night?' Wha? I don't know what the function of the gardener is really - to throw us off? I thought this was a movie about supernatural psychic stuff? Oh well. There's a black-gloved killer thrown into the mix as well.

Let's regroup. So far we have telekinesis, supernatural forces, a dash of giallo - all of which occur in such doses we forget about each as it vies for our attention. Convoluted? Sure. Boring? No way. There's dream sequences, skeleton hands, a demon that comes out when the girls vacuum, metaphysics, pizza, a pig gargoyle, chainsaws, a rock band at a pool party, and demonic possession. And would you believe there's more? I can't even recall everything in this - you just have to witness it for yourself. Whole scenes seem to ignore each other and someone says this gem of a line, 'I cut myself with the apple, I mean the knife.' Where else are you going to get that kind of wonderful dialogue?

It's shot on video and there are some major technical difficulties as well. You should see the demon! The gore gags are actually surprisingly well done and, as I mentioned, the dialogue completely off the wall. The whole thing is memorably quotable. It's all part of the fun though, and I think this was intended to be a spoof. It's really hard to tell though. It's a good thing that there aren't other movies like this otherwise we might start getting used to them. Just see it for yourself - trust me - you will feel madness enter your brain and you will LOVE it.


  1. I haven't even seen the movie, and already I'm prepared to say: WOW! :) Sounds like one I will definitely have to seek out. I don't even want to question what kind of mentality it would take to assume that the gardener would only work AT NIGHT. I just want to bask in the estimable weirdness.

    >>a demon that comes out when the girls vacuum

    So THAT'S what freaks my cat's shit out! :)

    And a major fist-pump here-here to this sentiment:

    >>It's a good thing that there aren't other movies like this otherwise we might start getting used to them.

    That's part of the magic that I strive to experience every time I sit down to a (hopefully) MAD movie, and when it pays off, it's like a little awesome miracle.

    Great review! Now rehydrate!

  2. You've sold me, Jenn!! I'm on the motherfucker. Feel better. ;)

  3. How about lines like this ' 'he's not physical at all; he's too into metaphysics' or 'I am into harnessing cosmic energy so that I can learn the secrets of the Universe'? Not that this dialogue has anything at all to do with anything else going on here. Gotta love that.

    I am rehydrating, with wine ;P j/k, or am I? *shifty eyes* And did I ever tell you onion rings taste amazing when you have a hangover? The BEST!

  4. Oh, and if ya'll do wind up watching this, you have to report back to me with your findings. I just want to find another person who has seen this thing and what they make of it. It's easy to dismiss it as a piece of crap, but ya'll know I can find pleasure in the worst of the worst, so it wasn't all for naught.

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  6. I dont know why but I thought I read that this was a shitfest, I will definitely give it a go too with J. while I eat all of his popcorn and cheese

  7. Oh Carl, it is a shitfest! Completely and totally to the nth degree! But it's not a boring shitfest, albeit a very rather entertaining one! Let me know what you think! I'm sure you'll hate it, but if you give it a chance, I promise there is something here that is so off the wall, you can't help but get into it! At least it might suffer from the phenomenon of enjoying talking about it more than actually watching it. It's a phenomenon I think we all know well.

  8. Hang on a minute! You're telling me that this film contains telekinesis, supernatural forces, a dash of giallo, dream sequences, skeleton hands, a vacuum obsessed demon, metaphysics, pizza, a pig gargoyle, chainsaws, a rock band at a pool party AND demonic possession!!?? Then would you please tell me why on earth I've never seen this!? I really need to start prioritizing stuff! :P

  9. Well, James, don't say I didn't warn you. I can't even recommend this really, it suffers from the phenomenon of enjoyment coming from the discussion rather than the actual watching. But it ain't boring. I think you could watch it three or four times before sense might actually start to emerge. Or you could take mushrooms, watch it, and see what happens.