Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Werewolf and the Yeti
I'm a little keyed up, perverts. Ever since the Vicar and the Duke announced they were spearheading a Paul Naschy blog-a-thon, I've had Jacinto on the brain more than usual. I know it's not quite here yet, but I thought it couldn't hurt to watch THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI for a sixth time and impart to you the lurid details. I have more in store for the actual blog-a-thon, but consider this an early gift. You're welcome.
The feature opens in the mountains of Nepal. In the first ten seconds, two men are attacked by a Yeti. Guns are fired, roars are roared, and cue the opening credits. Back in civilization, our man Waldemere Daninsky (Paul, of course, this is the eighth in a cycle of thirteen Daninsky films) meets up with The Professor and his pretty daughter, Sylvia, to discuss the missing anthropologist, Silas, the unfortunate who got himself offed by the Yeti.
Silas' mission in Nepal was to find the Abomindable Snowman, but he didn't return, obviously. However, his diary was found, along with an for reals yeti scalp! 'No doubt about it,' the Professor says. 'It's authentic!.' There's no evidence to the contrary, so we have no other option but to believe him.
So far we've got a yeti scalp and a for reals picture of the yeti, so the Prof is chomping at the bit to get to Nepal and hunt this thing down. Waldemere is an obvious choice to accompany him because he's an anthropologist, psychologist, and fluent in Nepalese! Is there anything Paul can't do? I mean, really.
The party leaves for Katmandu immediately, but there's a impenetrable snowstorm and the expedition is forced to hole up in a hotel. Not for long though, because there's inexplicably a sweaty white man who seems to be on an opium bender that knows a secret pass through the mountains. Despite that he's a junky, our buddy Waldemere is ready to rock and hires him - his name is Joel, which I find hilarious - and they make their way for the secret pass san prof and the rest of the team.
It doesn't take long for Waldemere and Joel to wind up lost and, despite his reputation (?), Joel freaks, hears demons of the red moon, and goes headlong into the snow. There's some back and forth with poor Waldemere wandering lost and the team back in civilization. The team wants to assemble and find Waldemere and prepare for the trip. Tiger, a hulking Nepalese guide the prof hired, warns of those red moon demon guys, but winds up going on the journey anyway. The Sherpa crew does a dance to ward off evil spirits and the trip begins for these guys.
Meanwhile, Waldemere trudges on. It doesn't look too pleasant. It's cold and stark, but after a few stumbles, our hero finds a cave decorated with idolatry. There are two sexy cave dwelling sisters who decide to sex up on Waldemere because 'he's very strong. He will make a splendid companion, and a good lover.' I second that one, ladies. I mean, really, how could you resist? Only Paul could find two sisters to do it to in a cave in the Nepalese mountains. The women nurse him back to health with blow jobs and intercourse.
Later, Waldemere wakes up alone and decides to explore the cave, literally time. He get dressed and finds the girls cannibalizing some arms and legs. He grabs a torch (how I've always wanted to wield a torch in a cave!), find a tomb, and but shit! The moon is coming up! Waldemere takes the time to stab another vampire cannibal woman and attack another, but not before the last one sinks her teeth into his chest, giving him that sweet pentagram-ish scar. Dazed, he stumbles out into the wilderness. In a painful exertion, Waldemere changes into a werewolf! Yay!
He attacks some bandits sitting around a campfire speaking of selling women. See, that's what they get! And carries on to find the camp where the prof and Sylvia might be. Maybe he does this - I"m not sure. (The copy I have is a bootleg and looks like it was drug across the ocean floor and then stored wet in a draft basement for about fifty years. Sometimes the minutiae is lost on me.)
Sylvia decides to stray from the camp for a walk, because that's a really good idea, and then must thwart the sexual advances of another team member. Waldemere shows up just in time to save Sylvia. It's a morality tale, you see. You want to do violence towards the females, you get eaten by a werewolf. Simple, really.
So that's that and Tiger is still rambling on about demons but none of these white motherfuckers want to listen. The expedition decides to return to base camp but they run afoul of some bandits and there's a shoot out of western proportions, until the party finds themselves captured. Seems like they are going to meet Sekkar Khan, and evil ruler in the mountains.
Sylvia escapes momentarily and the Yeti attacks. Well, I think it's the Yeti, because it's day. But that's the thing about this movie. One second it will be raging snow and ice, the next it's verdant and green. I think Yeti's can be out during the day, unlike werewolves. So let's just say it's day. Who care, really?
Walemere wakes up on the forest floor in human form and not too worse for wear and runs headlong into Sylvia. She catches Waldemere up and they find another member of the expedition on a stake, but still alive. The unfortunate tips them off that the prof has been taken to see the Khan at his palace.
Cut to the Khan's palace. The evil son of a bitch is getting his 'treatment' administered by the beautiful, but oh-so-evil, Wandessa. He's got some kind of skin thing on his back and uses the women he captures for their skin. But we'll get there in a second.
Waldemere and Sylvia find a ramshackle monastery in the middle of nowhere, where they meet a monk and a retarded mute. The monk knows of Waldemere's affliction and promises the curse can be lifted by some rare flower and the blood of a young girl are given to him. The monk also warns of the Khan and how ruthless he is. Wandessa has a nasty reputation as well, although no one knows her origins. But from what the monk says, Wandessa is worse than the Khan.
After some sex with Sylvia, Waldemere decides he's going to leave her at the monastery. The monk chains him to a tree to try to contain him, but no stinkin' chains can hold Waldemere! He wolfs out and some good werewolf action occurs. Meanwhile (damn there are a lot meanwhiles in this film), Sylvia gets schooled by the monk on how to kill the werewolf. Use the flower portion or here, stab him with this silver knife!
It starts to get real choppy here, as the Khan and Wandessa play chess for the professor's life, Khan's men go to kidnap Sylvia, they capture Waldemere, Wandessa makes out with Waldemere while he's in chains and then carves up some beauties to give the Khan his 'treatments.' She skins the ladies alive in front of Waldemere so he can see what will happen to Sylvia if he doesn't submit.
Sylvia and a captive princess trick a guard and kill him with the silver dagger and escape. Sylvia finds Waldemere and let's him go and they make a run for it. And what a run it is! Waldemere does his best Chuck Norris interpretation (or has it been Chuck all these years doing his best Paul interpretation?), complete with flying roundhouse kicks and everything! Then Waldemere wolfs out again to fight the Yeti (remember the Yeti?) and it's the first werewolf/Yeti fight I've ever seen. Tell me of another one and I'll watch it.
At the last minute, after these epic battles are waged, Sylvia randomly finds the cure-all flower, mixes it with her blood and gives it to the now unconscious werewolf. Ta da! The curse is lifted - they just know this - and head back in the direction of civilization, despite the fact they have no coats. The End.
I love this shit. It's got Yetis, werewolves, Sherpas, Khans, evil witches, naked ladies, cannibal vampires, Nepalese dancing, karate, torch bearing, caves, snow, mountains, a little dash of mad science, inexplicable stuff, and Paul. So it's got a of little everything that is good in life, which is basically all I need.
Now go watch Paul for yourself. Get ready for the blog-a-thon! It's November 29th through December 3rd.