The Bat People

Read carefully. If you have the following symptoms or have found yourself in the some of the following situations, you may be well on your way to becoming one of THE BAT PEOPLE.

1. You've recently found yourself trapped in a cavern because your wife wanted to have sex with you in said cavern but you fell down and got bit by a bat instead.

2. After the bat bite incident, you and the wife continue with your honeymoon, which is peppered by insane blackouts and lots of skiing.

3. You feel the need to deliver a very campy performance when going into the rabid blackouts.

4. You are experiencing fever dreams where a couple in an abandoned truck is dry humping each other, but the tryst is cut short abruptly when the male of the couple ejaculates prematurely in his pants and then you go smash a mannequin.

5. You must change jackets with more frequency than necessary.

6. You befriend a hobo, and because of your medical background, you fix his broken hand. After fixing his broken hand, you kill him.

7. You think you are actually turning into a bat person, but it remains ambiguous because it could be taking place ALL IN YOUR MIND. Fits of insanity may occur.

8. You steal an ambulance, lead the police on a high speed chase, and crash the ambulance after the hobo abuse.

9. You have sex while turning into a bat monster. Maybe. Because it might be all in your mind.

10. You father a possible bat child and have an undying need to spend time in caves.

11. Your hand keeps turning into a bat claw and your wedding ring keeps falling off.

If you haven't experienced any of these behaviors, you're probably not a bat person. But you could be. IN YOUR MIND.

Okay, my only complaints with this movie:

1. More bat people sex, intoned or full on.

2. More on-screen human-to-bat-person transformations.

3. More hobos.

4. More undying bat love.

That is all.