Black Cobra Woman

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Friday night, and it's time to celebrate because I'm off work, I just poured a too-large vodka and ginger, and I'm ready to take you on a super sexy (subject to opinion) journey into what as known as Black Cobra Woman, staring my lovely Indonesian crush from 70's sexploitation, Laura Gemser, and the venerable Jack Palance.

BCW begins as the sultry Eva (Gemser) arrives in Hong Kong. She met a charming young gent on the plane, Jules (played by real-life husband and frequent collaborator Gabriele Tinti - who I find strangely sorta sexy, in a smokes too many cigarettes and could possibly get rough kinda way), who is immediately enchanted with her. I would be too, she's an exotic dancer who specializes in the ancient art of dancing naked with large snakes, the reptile that is. Jules vows to see her show at a club that evening and runs home to tell his brother, Judas (Palance) about Eva.

It really couldn't be more convenient, because by trade, Judas is a snake curator and collector. He has many poisonous varieties in his palatial apartment and also happens to be a billionaire. Jules and Judas go to watch Eva dance that evening and Judas is immediately smitten. He must have Eva for his collection. Later that evening, he catches Eva's eye at a restaurant but she's too busy feeling up a Chinese woman under the table. Eva winds up retiring alone to her hotel room to have a masturbation fantasy involving her nakey snake dance and the aforementioned Chinese woman.

Judas somehow procures Eva's digits and gives her a ring, inviting her to lunch. Ever the stalker, he picks her favorite restaurant and orders all her favorite dishes before she arrives. She's impressed, but when he puts his offer on the table, that is, to come live with him and do whatever she pleases, no strings attached, she's a little off put. I was, like, come on sister, he doesn't want sex or nothing! Take the deal! She does accompany him back to his apartment to see his snakes, again, the reptiles, and she seems bored to tears. She tells him he's a little scary and he goes on some rant about the fear of fascination, quotes Oscar Wilde a little bit, and tells her he'll always respect her.

Eva's still not buying it - she wants to know why. Seems Judas likes the scent of her, he actually says that, and she leaves abruptly. She returns to her hotel room where a Chinese man who she has apparently been in a relationship with, beats her mercilessly for cheating on him. She lets him mount her and do his thing for about thirty seconds with a vacant look in her eyes. It's here when she decides to take Judas up on his offer.

Jules, who totally has a thing for Eva as well, warns Judas that women are dangerous. Honestly, Eva doesn't seem all that dangerous at all. She's a essentially a stripper, sure, but she's really not a bad person, strippers are people too. Judas, however, couldn't be more thrilled. He's totally taken with Eva and decides to have a big party in her honor so she can make some friends in Hong Kong.

At the party, Eva meets Jerry, a fairly attractive blond woman studying Chinese medicine. Eva is immediately taken with Jerry and for the rest of the movie they get nekkid massages (with toys!) together, take rickshaw rides, as well as soapy showers, and have lots of girl-girl fun, 70's softcore style.

Well, seems since Jules has the hots for Eva, he gets a little jealous of Jerry and decides to release Judas' most deadly snake, the green mamba, into the girls' bedroom. Jerry wakes up, senses the snake in the room, has a total meltdown, and the snake, sensing her fear, bites her, killing her instantly, save for a little foaming at the mouth. Eva's heartbroken and vows silent revenge.

Here's where it gets interesting. Sure, lots of lesbian softcore is totally cool with me, even the pubic hair doesn't bother me. And the exotic locations are pretty cool. But what I really want to see is Laura Gemser getting all revenge-y on some Jules. Which she does in kind.

Knowing Jules released the snake into the room, she seduces him and tells Judas she and Jules are going on vacation to the island where she was born. Once secluded in a fisherman's hut with a couple of natives, Eva allows one of the natives to pleasure her orally while the other strums a guitar nearby. Jules, getting a little jealous once again, sidles up to Eva and takes over. As he's doing his thing, a native grabs him and holds his hands behind his back, while the other shoves a venomous cobra up his ass per Eva's request.

All is not done, however, in that Eva returns to Judas telling him how his brother perished. Judas is fairly non-plussed but still thinks Eva's changed from when he first met her and decides to end the relationship. Knowing which side her bread is buttered on, Eva's all like, well, let me borrow the green mamba for my act, it'll be sexy, so she starts dancing with that dangerous piece of shit, and it bites her, killing her instantly.

Okay, can we not even go biblical with this? Judas? Eva? Snakes? Sexy times? I don't know. I've been working a lot and I was super tired when I watched this. It's a far cry from the usual Laura Gemser/Joe D'Amato/Emmanuel movies I'm normally used to from these guys. It's not an Emmanuel movie, but it might as well be. There's lots of softcore lesbian action and someone gets penetrated by a snake (which happens in those flicks more often than you might think). There's also a couple of different exotic locations, making it look a lot more expensive than it actually probably was. It's got everything that an Emmanuel movie's normally got, except Laura's Eva here and not a journalist. Ah well, I was still entertained in my vodka and Tylenol PM just worked a double stupor. And even though Laura's too skinny, I still think she's hawt. And Palance has just the right amount of creepy lecherousness that I found very hilarious. I wonder if he's ever like, yeah, remember when I made that movie with Emmanuel? Probably not.