Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Vampires Night Orgy


It's been a slow posting week here at the Cavalcade, mainly because I've been raging with the partying. And by partying, I mean drinking alone while watching Roadhouse. Well, that was Friday night, me, a big bottle of pino grigio, and Swazye. I could simply not think of a better way to spend any night, which is the way I have passed the last two Fridays. Saturday night, more of the same, but instead of Roadhouse, I watched Wayne's World. Sunday, I was so hungover I couldn't move all day, and Monday night I went to see Passion Pit, so Tuesday I was so hungover, I couldn't move again. Wednesday night brought me full circle to The Vampires Night Orgy, or the much better Spanish title, La Orgia Nocturna de los Vampiros. Doesn't that sound hot? Allow me to tell you how hot this movie really was then.


A busload of losers are on their way to some rich bitch's country house to serve as gardeners, maids, majordomos, and other indentured slaves. These are a poor down-on-their-luck but seemingly hard-working folk, and after expressing some uncertainty about whether their 'tin can' of a bus can make it the rest of the way to the country house, the bus driver expires. In a less than harrowing oh-our-bus-driver-is-dead-somebody-step-on-the-brakes-and-take-the-wheel maneuver, the crew finds themselves in dire straits. What should they do? Oh, wait, there's a village, Tonia, that doesn't appear on any map that someone mentions they can take refuge in for the night, while they figure out what to do with the dead driver.


Ernest takes over as bus driver and drives the gang to Tonia, which they find deserted. They meet up with an American, Luis, who has also just arrived in the village an hour prior. He, too, can't find a soul around, and suggests they all have some cognac and rest up at the inn. Upon retiring to his room, Luis notices a large hole in the wall and applies his eyeball to said hole. On the other side is the beautiful blond Alma (from the bus group) undressing and brushing her hair. He peeps at her for awhile, grinning maniacally.


While Luis is busy being voyeuristic and Alma is parading around nude, Ernest goes outside to investigate Tonia. He checks on the dead body in the bus, lights and cig, and begins his meandering around the dark cobblestone streets of the village. He meets up with some locals, pasty faced and expressionless, who corner him and descend on him with the sole purpose of eating his flesh. Hmm, I thought this was supposed to be a vampire orgy, not a living dead orgy. Vamp orgies are about three hundred times sexier than a zombie orgy, if you ask me. Luckily, the orgy part never happens, there is nary a culo or boob in sight while poor Ernest gets devoured. Or so we think. But do we care? Let's look more closely...


The next morning, the locals have all returned to their positions at the inn. The bus travelers and Luis are introduced to Mayor, not really the official Mayor, his name is actually Boris, but the title has been in his family for years. Hospitable and bearded, Mayor offers the explanation of a recent death in the village for the townspeople's absence last night. As repayment, he offers to pay for their food and stay.


Here poses a problem. What to feed all these people? Tonia isn't used to so many visitors stopping by at once, so Mayor suggests letting the Countess deal with the problem. I hear Countess and I'm like hells yeah, now we're getting to the orgy party. But first a truck sized man goes to procure 'meat' from, you probably know where this is going, a human they keep chained up for this purpose. The meat is prepared and everyone goes apeshit over it, it's so good and has such a distinct flavor. Then everybody partakes in my favorite pastime, getting wasted. Ernest returns, looking like death warmed over, and tells the party the dead driver's body is missing but that he took care of it. Cryptic, non?


Okay, we're about thirty minutes in and there hasn't been a vampire or a night orgy or even a day orgy for that matter.


Anyway, still looking like shit, Ernest powers up the bus but the damn thing won't turn over. Mayor suggests they wait a few days to see if they can get a new motor from the village next door and says the Countess will cover all expenses. Wanting to meet this elusive woman who foots all their bills, the travelers go up to her house.


The Countess is a lovely, lonely redhead whose turnons include walks in the moonlight, meeting new people, Shakespeare, demonstrating her hospitality, and giving strangers large amounts of cash. She takes a like to Cesar, one of the travelers, and invites him to stay with her for the purpose of reading great Literature to her aloud. She gets so turned on, she's forced to make out with him, then throw him out the window in his underwear to a horde of zombified villagers. Damn it, I thought my night orgy was coming up.


Luis continues peeping on Alma, going as far as sending her a note, telling her someone is always watching her, but in a good way. This pleases Alma, forever the dumb blond that needs saving by the strapping American, and she continues to parade around her room, this time in a blue nightgown, but with her nipples blazing.


Meanwhile, Ernest, now spouting two fangs, lures two more travelers out to the bus for the purpose of feeding them to the villagers. Here's where I made my predictions for how the rest of the show was gonna pan out:


-Luis will start to notice more people are missing

-Countess will hear of Luis' snooping/noticing

-More of the group will get fed to the zombie villagers

-Everyone will become zombies

-A disappointing night orgy will ensure, with complete lack of lesbian vampires


Not on the prediction list, however, are the following which actually happen:


-Two children, one of them who may or may not be a zombie child who is also in the habit of randomly disappearing, play a way too long game of hide and go seek

-Several limb amputations (cool enough)

-A doll burial

-More scenes involving the two children playing hide and go seek


You know, for a movie with the title of Vampire Night Orgy, there certainly a lot of scenes involving children romping around the countryside playing with dolls. Not that I want scenes of children that involve the titular orgy, please no no no, but seriously, after fifty minutes of the one hour and twenty minute running time, there's been two scenes of people that may or may not be vampire/zombie hybrids NOT engaging in any kind of sexy times.


It ends like this (you honestly don't care if I spoil the ending here, trust me) - Luis and Alma escape by the skin of their asses - everyone else having fallen victim to the likes of the Tonianites - and report the ordeal to the authorities. Upon returning to the site of Tonia, there isn't a trace, except for the broken down bus, now covered in a thick layer of mud. No orgy, no real vamp action, and the town never existed in the first place. Shocking!


I can only think if this title had fallen into Paul Naschy's capable hands what it might have been. Although director Leon Klimofsky had directed The Werewolf's Shadow and Vengeance of the Zombies, amongst other efforts in collaboration with Naschy, it was curious to why it couldn't have achieved that same greatness. Oh, what could have been! If his Naschyness has been involved, you know there would have been several Countesses, all of which he would have gotten it on with, plenty of werewolf-chained-to-a-dungeon-wall-and-escaping action, and possibly a magic sword, a pact with the devil, and some Knights of Templar thrown in for good measure. Doesn't that sound more exciting? I guess you win some, you loose some, and I was tired and the movie wasn't very long, so it served its purpose. I could have done with just one promised orgy, though.

8 comments:

  1. I watched this one not long ago, and being a big fan of Klimovsky's work with Naschy, I was expecting so much more. As you say, an appalling lack of vampire orgy action. It should have been called "The Cannibal's Restaurant Daily Special," to be more accurate.

    And that lonely, lovely redhead is Helga Line, who is one of my favorite Naschy femmes and costarred with him in two EXCELLENT movies, HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB and THE MUMMY'S REVENGE. Klimovsky completely wastes her talents here, imo, which is a mistake Carlos Aured did NOT make in the aforementioned movies. You should definitely seek both of those out.

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  2. I suppose going in, I knew that with a title like this one, it was a set-up and a teaser. I had little expectations of seeing orgies or the flash of a few fangs. However, this film is to me, almost the very definition of "Euro-cult." Great review, though. I need to add the label, "Movie in which could have been improved with the appearance of Paul Naschy," to my blog, because it frequently applies.:) Love it.

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  3. Vicar, ah, thank you for revealing the identity of the lovely Ms. Line. The combo of red hair and smokey eyes is just too lovely. I need to perfect my seventies style eyeliner for my own look. I have seen Horror Rises From the Tomb and loved it, natch, and currently am in desperate need to see The Mummy's Revenge.

    Hans, yeah, I rented it too, pretty much based on title alone. I wanted it to be super sleazy seventies style lesbian vamp action and alas, was obviously disappointed. Most movies could be improved by Sir Naschy, this is true. If it's got Senor Molina in it, I'm there. Twice. Please feel free to add the label to your own blog :)

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  4. Love your site -- glad I found it!

    Nothing more irritating than a title with the word "Orgy" not delivering. And, unfortunately, it happens kind of often in the realm of Eurotrash horror.

    However, the relationship between Luis and Alma does sound wonderfully twisted -- gotta love sexpots who apparently don't mind being stalked.

    -Billy

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  5. Ugh--in my comment, should have been "Aured did not make the aforementioned MISTAKE." Mea culpa. :P

    But Jenn, won't you be adding the "could have been improved" label to EVERY movie from now on? :)

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  6. Vicar, yes, I will have to add that label to each and every movie I watch that does not feature Rexus Naschyus (genus name). I will likely get quite bogged down :) Because, of course, every movie could of course be improved by his appearance.

    Billy, it is quite fetching of Alma to smile and act coquettish when she finds out Luis has been peeping. It's like, ooh, I like it when men look at my body, oooh, who cares if it's creepy. Kinda like the girls at work that don't mind gettin' felt up on as long as it involves a free pizza.

    I have had way to many margaritas to be posting right now. Please forgive my errors in spelling and content.

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  7. There's also a 16mm 'uncovered' version of this which features alot more nudity and a slight variation of the s/t,well worth checking out.

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  8. Thanks Stephen Grimes, I'm glad to know a racier version does indeed exist!

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