Eegah!

So, yeah, Eegah! I know you've seen it. I know you've seen it on MST3K. Yes, I just wrote MST3K. Let's not waste valuable typing when we all know what it is that I'm talking about because we are all NERDS. I know nothing I could possibly write about one of the best worst movies ever made could compete with that stellar episode of MST3K. But still, I'm gonna give it a go. Because I watched Eegah! last night for the first time without Crow and Tom Servo and for the first time since college, and it still holds up. If by 'holds up' I mean is ridiculously bad and has a home movie feel but still manages to be hi-larious. Yes, then that's what I mean.

For the uninitiated, Eegah! (1962) is the tale of an unrequited romance between a caveman who may or may not be named Eegah and a socialite named Roxy. It all begins one night as Roxy leaves a department store, new bikini in hand, and heads out on a race with her boyfriend, Tom (the so-ugly-he-might-be-kinda-cute Arch Hall, Jr.), and happens to hit a caveman carrying a live goat out on the highway. Tom, ever the dumbass as we will see in a moment, arrives just a hair too late, and misses said caveman as he trudges off into the darkness.

Roxy, although passed out during most of her encounter with said caveman, adamantly swears she knows what she saw, going as far as to blab her mouth all over her country club to daddy and his friends. She even uses this fair piece of evidence in her argument, 'There were giants. The Bible says so.' I can't argue with that evidence, Roxy, but no one else believes you. I'm gonna use that one on everything from here on out. Next time I'm (ill) advised not to have a fifth shot of tequila or to hit on that hot lead singer, I'm just gonna pull out 'The Bible says so.' End of story.

But Daddy's placating enough and takes the teens out to the scene (hey, that rhymes) of the supposed giant sighting the next day. An ominous off-camera voice weirdly tells the trio to 'Watch out for snakes' as they heads into the desert. Seeing footprints, Daddy immediately decides he must pen a tome about this prehistoric man based on Tom's suggestion and heads back to town to charter a helicopter. Just like that. Before leaving, he discloses the location of his credit cards to Roxy and Tom yet orders them not to touch them and flies off. Pilot Kruger drops Daddy off alone with only binoculars, a camera, and small briefcase type bag to his name. We don't have to wait long until Daddy is face to face with his giant, the titular Eegah (Richard Kiel of James Bond movie fame), as if there's any other Eegah.

Back at the country club, Roxy struts around quite deliciously in her bikini and takes a swim while Tom serenades her with a song about a woman named Vicki. Not seeming to mind that the song is about another woman, Roxy is all smiles and splashes until she receives a phone call from Pilot Kruger. Seems his helicopter is broken and he won't be able to pick up Daddy. Well, never fear, Arch Hall, Jr. and his jalopy dune buggy that he won't shut up about is about to come to the rescue. The teens set off for Deep Canyon (that's original) and some sweet dune buggy actions ensues. Someone keeps shouting Whee! over and over and it's hard to tell if it's Roxy doing the shouting or Arch Hall. I'd like to think it's AH and it does sort of sound like him, all whiny and ridiculous, but who knows. It's probably dubbed.

Being that Deep Canyon is completely enormous being a canyon and all, the kids get worried when they don't see Daddy right away. Or at least Roxy does. In what will soon become typical Tom fashion, he dismisses everything Roxy says as nonsense, telling her not to worry about anything. The start fighting, Tom sings another song to Roxy about a different woman named Valerie, and they drift quickly off to sleep. Eegah then takes this moment to appear and gawk at sleeping Roxy and eat up all their stew they were saving for Daddy, until Tom's radio mysteriously turns on, frightening the giant away, although he leaves his club so they know he was there. A calling card perhaps? Or just stupidity?

The next day, they find Daddy's broken, abandoned camera. Tom tells Roxy not to jump to conclusions, it's probably not even Daddy's camera, and that they should check out the ravine. Such a man, he grabs a shotgun and Roxy gets up to accompany him. 'Women!' he guffaws. He wants her to stay with the stupid dune buggy while he goes out looking for stock footage of rattlers and coyotes. Well, his stupid mistake because while he's gone, Eegah takes this as his chance to nab Roxy. Tom returns to the scene moments later and in his efforts to rescue his lady love, he yells her name over and over, occasionally throwing a 'where are you?' in there for effect. Yes, Tom, very effective.

So back Eegah's place, which you guessed it, is a cave, he's got Daddy held hostage, as well as a tribunal of his dead ancestors, whom he introduces to Roxy. Seems he's set his sights on the little lady, even though Daddy already admonished him with the line 'She's mine, she's mine.' But that doesn't stop our giant from sniffing her hair profusely, smelling her skin, and checking her for lice. 'Tell him you're hungry,' Daddy says. 'But I'm not,' Roxy protests. 'Well, then there's the alternative.' I'd think I'd eat even if I wasn't hungry if the alternative was getting raped in front of my father by a cro-mag non man in a cave. Roxy's a sensible gal and decides to eat some meat off an enormous bone, quite literally.

Daddy keeps calling the giant Eegah and when Roxy asks if that's his name, Daddy says matter-of-factly, 'I think so. It's what he says most of the time.' Yeah, because we all just walk around saying our names out loud all day long for no reason and/or to describe other events and people. Like when I want a gingerale, I just say Jenn over and over and point at a can of gingerale.

After the meat bone, Roxy gets treated to some smoking sulfur water. Best to keep Eegah busy so he doesn't get all rapey. Daddy says, 'make it last as long as you can. He won't hurt you as long as you're doing something.' I guess Daddy knows from experience. Eegah then invites Roxy to look at his etchings, again, literally. This is a literal-ass movie. But damn, if I had a dollar for every time a guy invited me over to look at his etchings. I'd have like two bucks. Roxy agrees, saying 'believe it or not, Dad, I'm going to look at his etchings!' Good job, Roxy. I can see she's starting to fall in love. She even sees one that she construes to be her and her car the night she hit Eegah and his goat. It looks mostly like a circle with other circles on it, but a girl in love will believe what she wants.

So dumbass Tom is still wandering around the desert calling out Roxy's name and Eegah's got Roxy and Daddy barricaded in his cave. While Eegah's out gathering flowers for Roxy, forever the good daughter, Roxy decides to give ol'Daddy a shave. Because that's not weird or anything. To shave your father. Ew. I felt really gross just typing that. Anyway, she shaves and he instructs her and at that moment, Eegah arrives back at the casa. Ya'll know where this is going. Roxy has to then shave Eegah because he wants to look all beautiful for her, but just as Tom continues to be useless, even after his shave, Eegah continues to be ugly as hell.

After his shave, Eegah gets all animated, IYKWIM, and Roxy tries to refute him, 'tell me some more about your etchings!' He's having none of it and Daddy instructs her, 'give him something else!' Oh, Daddy! How could you! She gives him a button. Bad idea, because it makes her boobs all the more accessible and Eegah starts pawing at her maniacally. In one last ditch effort, Roxy says in reference to her father, 'he can see us - outside - you and me.' Eegah's game, he's a nature boy, so he moves the boulder and takes his beloved outside for some forced entry. He exposes her strapless bra and roughs her up a bit and Daddy comes fumbling out of the hole and a fight ensues. Dumbass arrives just a second or two too late and hits Eegah with rocks (eventually), thus rendering him powerless (for now anyway). Tom shouts, 'so long, High Pockets!' (whatever that means, seriously, what does that mean?) and they leave Eegah behind in the desert and speed off in the dune buggy.

I mean, it never would have worked out between Roxy and Eegah. They're from two different worlds. I guess it was fun while it lasted. I love when a guy introduces me to the mummified corpses of his parents, makes me drink sulfuric beverages, shows me his etchings, literally, and then tries to force sex on me. It's a date! Oh, but wait, there's still another half an hour left of this thing....

Back in civilization, Roxy gets all depressed-like and wonders what became of her giant. She feels like he's lonely, what will become of him, and blah blah. Tom tries to take her mind off the caveman by rocking out with his band and then dancing with her by the pool, that is, until Eegah shows up and wreaks havoc all over the country club. It's pretty stereotypical stuff, he eats a whole roast, growls menacingly at teens, and is eventually gunned down and falls dead into the pool. Some more Bible stuff is thrown around and FIN.

Okay, LOVE this movie. I LOVE IT. It's got just the right amount of sexist bullshit it's era is popular for (is popular the right word?) to make me LOL. Roxy is quite the stunning brunette and isn't a bad woman in peril, especially when Eegah's getting all gropey. Tom is the perfect dumbass and looks absolutely ridiculous in white short shorts. And Richard Kiel is a great caveman - his dimestore beard spectacular. Eegah's cave looks like a tent made out of garbage bags and his 'family' is papier-mache. The dialogue is banal and crude and sometimes lines come out of complete nowhere. Everything is just the right kinda bad that is blends right in to cult classic territory. And what's with all the Bible stuff? Can somebody please tell me what Chapter 4 Verse 32 is about? It's cited in the last line of the movie.

Next time a guy offers me flowers AND meat still on a giant bone AND etchings, both literally and figuratively, hehe, I'm all over it. Roxy lost out if you ask me. And she knows it. Oh, she knows it. Tom and Daddy put it best in this conversation: Daddy: You know, I think she's still worried about Eegah. Tom: Oh sure, a girl like Roxy don't get over a thing like that right away.

La Residencia

My fellow perverts, have I got a cinematic treat for you. I have lots of treats up my sleeve, some of the celluloid variety, some not (IYKWIM, but those are better left for another time). For now, I will present you with La Residence a.k.a. The House that Screamed, a Gothic atmosphere laden, psychosexual girl's school nightmare drama that you will thank me for. By the end of this, you will be at my knees, praying for one more slice of late 60's Eurohorror that delivers in the most sadistic ways possible. Brace yourself for a lashing from the stinging sweet tips of my cat o'nine tails, because it don't get much better than this!

La Residencia opens with Mme. Forteau(a damn fine in her role Lilli Palmer, she has just the right combination of bitch, cold, and stern), the headmistress of said residencia, reciting dictation for her girls to take down. Pretty Catalina is insubordinate as hell, and refuses to take down said dictation. Well, it's off to the punishment room for her, all of what entails will soon be deliciously discovered, well deliciously if you're sadistic like I am.

But cut to new girl Theresa being brought to the school by a 'friend' of her momma's. Seems mommy can't take care of Theresa like she should be able to, so this gentleman friend of hers has seen to her care at Mrs. Forteau's hand. He pays tuition for two semesters in cash up front and cares not to hear anything else. Perhaps something has transpired between Theresa and said gentleman in the past? It's subtle alluded to. He's more than happy to relenquish his guardianship of Theresa to Forteau and get the eff outta dodge as fast as he can.

So Theresa's first night ain't all that bad, the girl's seem to want to get to know her and are downright friendly, if you count being friendly as going through all of her clothes, trying them on, and demanding to know how rich she is as friendly. But Theresa doesn't seem to mind and even gifts some of her racier outfits to her new-found friends.

Meanwhile, however, things aren't going so well for insubordinate Catalina, and she's pinned down in her punishment cell by three of her classmates, including hall monitor and headmistress favorite Irene (who not only hands out corporeal punishment but arranges trysts for her sex-starved classmates with firewood bringer, Enrique), and whipped mercilessly for said insubordination. Damn, this scene comes outta nowhere - at first I think I'm just watching a simple girl's school movie, and then I'm reminded, hey, you're watching a girl's school movie, and I'm shocked back into reality by the girls taking all sorts of glee in beating the shit outta Catalina. They even manage to get a lick or two in after the headmistress (I keep wanting to refer to her as 'warden') orders them to stop.

Meanwhile again, there's subplot developing involving Forteau's teenage son and the only male on campus, Luis, whose been known to peep on the girls during their daily activities. Luis has been apparently involved with a lovely named Isabelle and has been sneaking visits with her whenever the chance arises. Seems later on Isabelle goes missing (spoiler alert - she has her throat cut in the greenhouse after Luis sent her a note telling her to meet him there in the middle of the night with promise of escape) - and that brings up the point that several girls have gone missing in the previous few weeks, with no trace of their existence ever to be heard from again. But hey, these are 'difficult' girls, the Forteau informs of of this very early on, and so as they say at those meetings I should go to - they are to be considered to 'have gone back out.'

Okay, were are we? It's been a long day - I do NOT recommend drinking pino noir then calling your brother in the middle of the night and have him bring over jagermeister and watching Dawn of the Dead, expounding loudly for hours how AWESOME that movie is, believe me, we were FEELING it, and then having to go to work at 5 p.m. with a massive hangover that still has not really dissipated and it's like almost 2 a.m. Back to the movie. So it's now Tuesday and it's shower day, yippee! And the girls have to get all soapy and clean, but unfortunately they don't get nekkid, with the exception of Catalina, oh that Catalina!, they have to wear white nightgowns in the shower. Which is strangely sexy. Very much so. Luis seems to think so as well, as he peeps on them from the ceiling.

Shower day came at just the right time for Susana, as it is her turn the next day with Enrique. The girls take turns once a month with ol' Enrique and apparently he's got the moves, if you consider moves being thrown into a haystack and grunting. But hey, these chicks miss their boyfriends and I guess beggars can't be choosers. So that awkward sex session leads us to things getting really uncomfortable between Luis and Mamma Forteau

Seems Forteau heard it through the grapevine that Luis has been having some one of one time with some of her girls. She warns him that none of the young ladies at la residencia are good enough for him and that he should meet a woman JUST LIKE HER and fall in love and start a family. She's dangerously close up in his face while she tells him this and I'm all like, if they start making out, I'm done! DONE. But in fact, I really wanted this movie to go there, and it sorta kinda does, with Forteau kissing him on the full on the lips. And scene.

Well, if a mother/son kiss on the lips doesn't make you feel icky enough, Irene has decided she can't stand Theresa and she's going to make her life a living hell. She finds out Theresa's mom is a nightclub singer, which is apparently slang for prostitute, and then forces her to don a corset and sing for her after beating her. They've got to get back to class, but promise to have an encore performance the next day. And the day after that and the day after that.

Theresa's decided she's had it and appeals to Luis to help her break out. Apparently she and Luis are dating now (?) and he gives her some pocket money and encourages her to escape. Then she manages to get her throat cut. Wha, you say? I know! That's how this fucking thing is, one minute you're just watching the movie, hanging out, la-de-da, and then the next thing you know something just comes outta nowhere. It's Theresa's movie! She's the protagonist. She's supposed to survive this thing - maybe not completely unscathed, but damn. I was betting she'd get her throat cut after an hour and twenty.

So the ending is just about the most fantastic ending that I totally did not see coming - seems Luis has been Dr. Frankenstiening himself up a perfect woman, using parts and pieces from all his favorite girls around the house. Mamma Forteau finds his secret room in the attic and he introduces her to his lady love. Then he locks Forteau in the room with the corpse pieces and tells her to teach his GF how to really take good care of him! The kid playing Luis totally owns it - he's got this creepy vibe but he's kinda cute, in a Disney Channel star sort of way.

So, I might not have done it full justice given my current condition, but this is really sight to behold. The house is simply marvelous, brimming with that old dark house vibe. Think everybody walking around with candelabras wearing period garb. If it wasn't in Spanish, everyone would speak in a clipped English accent for sure. And the sexy stuff is so wrong and in a lot of places, so understated, it makes this pervert very happy. And it's good when perverts are happy.

Thanks, Scott ;)

Sheba, Baby

Have you recently said to yourself I need to watch a veritable who's who cast in a blaxploitation movie directed by a man who could have gone on to do great things but instead died violently in a helicopter crash at the age of 30? Well, I can assist you in this area. Allow me to recommend Sheba, Baby to you then.

Sheba Shayne (the always gorgeous Pam Grier), a successful private eye living in Chicago, receives a telegram that her daddy has become the victim of a hostile business takeover. Daddy runs a loan office and some mob types want him outta their territory. It's pretty simple really - Daddy gets himself roughed up and then murdered; Sheba enacts her revenge. Looking mighty sexy, I may add!

Here are the following reasons, in no particular order, to watch this movie:

1. William Girdler directed it. Girdler is the man responsible for such classics as Three on a Meathook and Cavalcade animal-invading-the-human-sphere faves Grizzly and Day of the Animals. Girdler was a triple threat - he wrote most of his own scripts and often produced and scored his films as well. He was obviously a great talent, but died abruptly, I believe location scouting, at the age of 30. He left us nine films, three of them blaxploitation. His untimely death only increases his cult status.

2. It is called Sheba, Baby. I always enjoy punctuation in movie titles and I also enjoy putting the word 'baby' after most things that I say. It makes you sound kinda rock'n'roll. As I was in the middle of this movie last night, my friend came over and he's like, whatcha watching, Jenn?And I said, Sheba, Baby, but all kinda cool sounding and he's like why are you calling me Baby? Then he proceeded to call me Baby for the rest of the night. Dat's cool.

3. Bacchanalian sexual situations involving crime boss, Pilot, played by Dolemite director and frequent Fred Williamson collaborator, D'Urville Martin. Pilot knows how to get the ladies and feels most at home threatening Sheba from the comfort of his boudoir with no less than three scantily clad hos at his disposal at all times.

4. Vigilante justice. There's really no kinda justice like vigilante justice, unless of course you count angry mob with flaming torches justice, but this isn't that kinda movie.

5. Interracial girl fight on a luxury yacht involving Pam Grier smoking a cigar and wearing a fabulous maxi dress, ending with a pie to the white girl's face and Pam diving into the sea.

6. The line 'I told you never to come here.' I love this line. I use it frequently in real life. I love hearing it in movies. I also like 'I told you never to call me here.' I use that one a lot too. Sadly, it does not get uttered in this film.

7. Pam Grier in a wetsuit. Do I need to say anything else about this one?

8. An almost death by roller coaster. Pam knows how to intimidate these mob types, fo' sho'. She easily overpowers men three times her size, in one instance, holding a man's head down on the track of a roller coaster, and torturing information out of him, only letting up at the last second. This lady brings men to their knees - she can overpower anybody and look all sorts of fantastic doing it in skin tight outfits.

There you go! I needn't mention the off-the-chain soundtrack (the theme song is dynamite) and the seventies-licious interiors, the age old struggle of good versus evil, or even the exploding cars. What are you waiting for? Do you really need an excuse to see a wet-suited, cigar-smoking ass-kicking, name-taking Pam Grier? I didn't think so.

It's Friday Night!

And I just got off work, mofo's. You know what that means. I'm gonna drink me up some wines and watch me some movies that Moochie picked out for me (or maybe not, because Moochie likes to watch the same shit over and over, always with the Sasquatch movies, Moochie and the Val Lewton collection! I know you love Cat People on, but jeez, do we have to watch it again?), while sitting here wearing my shark towel, fresh out of my degreasifying shower. It's gonna be a long night, well, not really, I'll probably pass out after my third glass, but hey, I just worked a twelve hour shift, whadda ya want from me? Waxing eloquent on the murdered-women-of-history-animatronic-theatre masterpiece Mill of the Stone Women? A diatribe on Peter Cushing's rapey hands in Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed? Well, I'm too tired for all that, people, so you're gonna have to just enjoy this picture of me in a tube top instead, per the request of a very insistent reader. And you can kinda see my sleeves. Reviews to come! I love you all! Happy drunken Friday!

Universal Ink

I get a request every now and again for pics of my ink. The BFF was over tonite so I had him snap a couple of pics. So here you go. Here's the Bride and her husband. And St. Gillman. Love you, Vicar.

The Prowler

Gone are the days when one referred to a weirdo lurking in the shadows outside a simple graduation dance a 'prowler.' Such an antiquated term, no? I don't think I've ever uttered the word 'prowler' to refer to such an intruder. I usually say crackhead. For example, way back in the day, the BFF and I used to live together in this crappy apartment downtown. My car was forever getting broken into, there was always some bum in the alley shooting up, and it was just one step away from a pornographic bookshop, and what I swear was a Yakuza fronted Chinese restaurant. Anyway, I was liquored up one night (we drank malt liquor back then) and was in the bathroom and I looked out the window and I swear I saw a crackhead freaking out by my car, oh, excuse me, a prowler. I started yelling and called the cops screaming there's a crackhead by my car! Well, look who's the crackhead, it was a plant blowing in the wind. True story. It has nothing to do with the movie I watched last night, concerning an actual prowler. But I thought I would relate it you all, if not to solely entertain you with my drunken shenanigans.

So yeah, The Prowler (1981). It begins in 1945, with a vintage commercial for war bonds. Then Rosemary pens a letter to her boyfriend, breaking up with him because he's been gone fighting in the war too long. She said she'd promise she'd wait for him - but you know how these things go. She then takes off for the college graduation dance with new rich, roadster driving Roy. The dance proves to be a big fat yawn (even though it does sort of seem to be authentically 1945 - the costumes don't look all too bad and the band's got that swingin' sound), and Roy and Rosemary take off to find a secluded spot to make out and swill booze from a flask.

They find a lit gazebo and start doin' their PG rated thing, when someone kills the lights. No bother, they continue making out whilst a pitchfork-toting, black glove and helmet wearing, combat-booted madman comes out of the shadows and skewers the happy couple straight through. It really looked kinda cool (Savini, I think, was in charge of the bloody stuff), and I even found myself wincing a little bit. We're off to a good start, Prowler.

Next thing ya know, it's 1980 and go-getter Pam has organized a new graduation dance. Seems Rosemary's dad, the wheelchair bound Major Chatham (played by the always entertaining lump, Lawrence Tierney) has prohibited a dance from taking place for the last 35 years on behalf of his grief following Rosemary's death. He hasn't died or anything, I think he's too sick or something, to prevent Pam and her friends from throwing the new party. But he's not to sick to position his wheelchair directly across from the girl's dorm, to peep on them while they take showers and rub lotion on their nubile flesh. Slutty Lisa even takes it upon herself to show him the goods every now and again. Oh, she'll get what's coming to her, she will.

So the dance must go on - and the usual stuff happens, the band plays, students twirl about on the dance floor, the punch gets spiked and everyone gets wasted. Lisa takes off for a dip in her underwear in the pool and gets her comeuppance for her flashin' ways via the hands of the prowler. Our prowling friend also manages to knife a fornicating couple in the shower, in a really actually suspenseful scene, and the only time we get to see boobs.

I must say this about the movie - the score is dead on. It's really perfect. It does much to enhance the atmosphere and there are really a lot of great suspenseful moments. You still know what the fuck is gonna down because we've seen it all a thousand times. I gotta hand it to the score here. And I'm normally not one that pays attention to such things. Maybe I'll pay a little bit of attention.

Still, the movie is slow and has some really strange non-sequitur moments. Out of nowhere, a grocery store owner alerts the police that there are kids in the cemetery. Deputy Mark goes to check it out and takes Pam with him. Why would you take your maybe girlfriend to the scene of a possible crime? They find Rosemary's open grave with Lisa's body inside. Another out of nowhere moment is when another horny couple goes down to a basement to make out and an old teacher dude peeps on them from the stairs. Also, Mark and Pam go to Major Chatham's house and just walk inside, calling his name, looking for him, and investigating with flashlights, even though all the lights are on. They find pictures of Rosemary and put two and two together, but we already knew all that. As did they. It coulda been the wine on my part. It always coulda been the wine.

But I love the word 'prowler.' And the prowler looks great - he's pretty scary looking, what with his whole WWII getup and pitchfork and long knife which he uses to penetrate unsuspecting victims. He's got issues, that's for sure. Sex issues. And while I won't reveal his identity, 'cause I know ya'll are all gonna rush out to see this one, it's not who you suspect. Or maybe you will because you're smarter and less alcoholic than me.

I kinda get a My Bloody Valentine vibe off of this one, maybe it's the killer's ensemble, maybe it's the plot. Probably both. I think they came out the same year. Anyslasher, if I had seen this one as a kid, I probably would've been scared and bored or a little of both. But I still would have noticed that when the prowler gets out of the pool after killing Lisa that he's not wet.

Let's get the word 'prowler' back into circulation. Let's start using 'cat burglar' too.

Awesome Idea

In my pino grigio induced, I just worked twelve hours straight haze, I came up with the best idea I think I've ever had. I think I've already sort of introduced it to my good buddy Aaron over at No Comment, but GWAR is playing here, Richmond, VA, their hometown and mine, on my fucking birthday. I told Aaron he should come rock out with me at the GWAR show on October 23rd, 2009, and he agreed, if only I was to buy him the plane ticket from Hawaii. But seriously, if you guys, my loyal regular wonderful readers want to come rock out in Richmond at the GWAR show on my 29th (again) birthday, I'll put you up and we'll rock out Jenn style, which I assure you, won't be disappointing. I am envisioning the hangover now. But it will be well worth it! All of us from the blog-iverse rocking out with GWAR and all my lunatics from in town! The party of a lifetime, motherfuckers!

10 Things About Me You Might Not Already Know

My sweet, sweet Aaron at No Comment who I always disagree with (which I love because I love a good fight) listed me as one of the blogs that he loves and reads and covets and whatever, he also listed a bunch of inane facts about himself. Since this whole list things about yerself is goin' round, I'd thought I'd list ten things about me you may or may not already know. Every one already knows I'm a heavily tattooed crazy cat lady who loves the Misfits but did you know that:

1. I once studied to be a taxidermist.

2. My first tattoo was huge angel wings encompassing my entire back which still has not been finished and probably never will be. It's still there. Unfortunately.

3. I've been married - courthouse style, only to have it annulled later on.

4. I rarely eat meat but don't consider myself a vegetarian.

5. I once met Herve Villecheze in a mall in Beverly Hills.

6. I was born a week before Halloween, on my parents' second anniversary.

7. I have never been to Atlantic City, even though I live on the East Coast. I have been to Vegas, however. Don't even ask how that turned out.

8. I cannot stand Jack Black. He's just not funny.

9. I have a cat named Bela Lugosi - out of all my cats, he's the only one with a 'horror' name.

10. I cannot drink gin. I can drink any other spirit but no gin.

There ya go! Lots of stupid facts about Jenn! I've been drinking since 4:30 and it's well past midnight. Cheers!

She-Freak

Alright perverts, I've been drinking all day. It's my day off and I like to drink all day on my day off. Nothin' wrong with that and nothing wrong with watching a little bit of carnival exploitation from the 70's on your day off either. In fact, I can't think of a better way to pass the time. Thus I give you She-Freak, David Friedman's Freaks, as it were. Not nearly as entertaining as Tod Browning's original version, which we all know and love so no plot synopsis will be necessary here, partially because I'm buzzin', but Lord love it for many, many reasons. But, there are things I hate about it, but we'll get to those uno momento.

Reason #1 to love She-Freak. It seems like it was made by someone with a fetish for carnivals. I myself have a carnival fetish and love anything to do with one. My lunatic friends and I go to the state fair here every year and make complete trashy asses ourselves all day long. Talk about drinkin' all day. We drink Bud and watch the demolition derby and eat fried everything! It's a glorious day, my favorite day of the year, really. But yes, there is many a shot of people enjoying the carnival, eating cotton candy, reveling in the carnival, etc. etc. There is even a multitude of shots of the carnival being set up, and these shots take place well into the movie, at one point, they set up some bumper cars at like the 55 minute mark. The damn thing is nearly over! And they're still setting up. Like I said, carnival fetish. I'm very turned on right now.

Reason #2 to love She-Freak. It's called She-Freak. You know I love things concerning the ladies, and this just puts it right out there on the table. She's a freak and she's a lady. In my Quagmire voice, all right!

Reason #3 to love She-Freak. It's modeled plotwise after Tod Browning's wonderful wonderful movie. No, it doesn't feature actual freaks (one of the reasons to hate it), but it's still kinda sorta true to its source material - it follows the same formula anyway - and I love Tod Browning and I love his movie Freaks.

Now for the shit list.

Reason #1 to hate She-Freak. It does not feature actual freaks like its inspiration. Early on, when our protagonist Jade first joins the carnival, she takes in the 10 in 1. She expresses to her stripper friend, Moon, how disgusting freaks are and how she would prefer not to be near them. Always the sympathist, Moon assures Jade the freaks are better off in the show than out in the real world, but Jade still detest them. I don't know if there was just a lack of natural-borns or what, but all this has going for it is a sword swallower and an old lady that kisses a snake. And Friedman himself is the barker. That's pretty cool.

Reason #2 to hate She-Freak. It is slow. Slow as molasses. It's like a nudie movie only no one is nude and the nude parts have been replaced by the site of the tilt a whirl whirling for twenty minutes at a stretch. I'm exaggerating of course, but still. It can get real boring watching barefoot roughnecks assemble a ferris wheel. I know I said I got off at the carnival shots, but seriously, even I have a threshold for such things.

Reason #3 to hate She-Freak. Jade is gross. She looks like Jocelyn Weinstein. Her face is like a plastic surgery accident gone wrong and this was in the days before plastic surgery was in vogue. She does not own the coniving character of Jade at all, and seems actually more at home in her role once she becomes a freak show attraction. I could have used a much more attractive and convincing actress in the Jade role.

Ah well. Gotta love it and gotta hate it. Sometimes you gotta do both. I want more freaks and I want them now. But I gotta give props because I just do. I'm so eloquent.

Black Cobra Woman

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Friday night, and it's time to celebrate because I'm off work, I just poured a too-large vodka and ginger, and I'm ready to take you on a super sexy (subject to opinion) journey into what as known as Black Cobra Woman, staring my lovely Indonesian crush from 70's sexploitation, Laura Gemser, and the venerable Jack Palance.

BCW begins as the sultry Eva (Gemser) arrives in Hong Kong. She met a charming young gent on the plane, Jules (played by real-life husband and frequent collaborator Gabriele Tinti - who I find strangely sorta sexy, in a smokes too many cigarettes and could possibly get rough kinda way), who is immediately enchanted with her. I would be too, she's an exotic dancer who specializes in the ancient art of dancing naked with large snakes, the reptile that is. Jules vows to see her show at a club that evening and runs home to tell his brother, Judas (Palance) about Eva.

It really couldn't be more convenient, because by trade, Judas is a snake curator and collector. He has many poisonous varieties in his palatial apartment and also happens to be a billionaire. Jules and Judas go to watch Eva dance that evening and Judas is immediately smitten. He must have Eva for his collection. Later that evening, he catches Eva's eye at a restaurant but she's too busy feeling up a Chinese woman under the table. Eva winds up retiring alone to her hotel room to have a masturbation fantasy involving her nakey snake dance and the aforementioned Chinese woman.

Judas somehow procures Eva's digits and gives her a ring, inviting her to lunch. Ever the stalker, he picks her favorite restaurant and orders all her favorite dishes before she arrives. She's impressed, but when he puts his offer on the table, that is, to come live with him and do whatever she pleases, no strings attached, she's a little off put. I was, like, come on sister, he doesn't want sex or nothing! Take the deal! She does accompany him back to his apartment to see his snakes, again, the reptiles, and she seems bored to tears. She tells him he's a little scary and he goes on some rant about the fear of fascination, quotes Oscar Wilde a little bit, and tells her he'll always respect her.

Eva's still not buying it - she wants to know why. Seems Judas likes the scent of her, he actually says that, and she leaves abruptly. She returns to her hotel room where a Chinese man who she has apparently been in a relationship with, beats her mercilessly for cheating on him. She lets him mount her and do his thing for about thirty seconds with a vacant look in her eyes. It's here when she decides to take Judas up on his offer.

Jules, who totally has a thing for Eva as well, warns Judas that women are dangerous. Honestly, Eva doesn't seem all that dangerous at all. She's a essentially a stripper, sure, but she's really not a bad person, strippers are people too. Judas, however, couldn't be more thrilled. He's totally taken with Eva and decides to have a big party in her honor so she can make some friends in Hong Kong.

At the party, Eva meets Jerry, a fairly attractive blond woman studying Chinese medicine. Eva is immediately taken with Jerry and for the rest of the movie they get nekkid massages (with toys!) together, take rickshaw rides, as well as soapy showers, and have lots of girl-girl fun, 70's softcore style.

Well, seems since Jules has the hots for Eva, he gets a little jealous of Jerry and decides to release Judas' most deadly snake, the green mamba, into the girls' bedroom. Jerry wakes up, senses the snake in the room, has a total meltdown, and the snake, sensing her fear, bites her, killing her instantly, save for a little foaming at the mouth. Eva's heartbroken and vows silent revenge.

Here's where it gets interesting. Sure, lots of lesbian softcore is totally cool with me, even the pubic hair doesn't bother me. And the exotic locations are pretty cool. But what I really want to see is Laura Gemser getting all revenge-y on some Jules. Which she does in kind.

Knowing Jules released the snake into the room, she seduces him and tells Judas she and Jules are going on vacation to the island where she was born. Once secluded in a fisherman's hut with a couple of natives, Eva allows one of the natives to pleasure her orally while the other strums a guitar nearby. Jules, getting a little jealous once again, sidles up to Eva and takes over. As he's doing his thing, a native grabs him and holds his hands behind his back, while the other shoves a venomous cobra up his ass per Eva's request.

All is not done, however, in that Eva returns to Judas telling him how his brother perished. Judas is fairly non-plussed but still thinks Eva's changed from when he first met her and decides to end the relationship. Knowing which side her bread is buttered on, Eva's all like, well, let me borrow the green mamba for my act, it'll be sexy, so she starts dancing with that dangerous piece of shit, and it bites her, killing her instantly.

Okay, can we not even go biblical with this? Judas? Eva? Snakes? Sexy times? I don't know. I've been working a lot and I was super tired when I watched this. It's a far cry from the usual Laura Gemser/Joe D'Amato/Emmanuel movies I'm normally used to from these guys. It's not an Emmanuel movie, but it might as well be. There's lots of softcore lesbian action and someone gets penetrated by a snake (which happens in those flicks more often than you might think). There's also a couple of different exotic locations, making it look a lot more expensive than it actually probably was. It's got everything that an Emmanuel movie's normally got, except Laura's Eva here and not a journalist. Ah well, I was still entertained in my vodka and Tylenol PM just worked a double stupor. And even though Laura's too skinny, I still think she's hawt. And Palance has just the right amount of creepy lecherousness that I found very hilarious. I wonder if he's ever like, yeah, remember when I made that movie with Emmanuel? Probably not.

Mom

Having bought this movie several months ago on ebay and not getting a moment to watch it until now, I had to refresh my memory by checking out the description. From the back of the box: Most moms are wonderful cooks, this one, likes it raw. Okay, that sounds a little suggestive. Reading on: Something's been eating Clay Dwyer - his mom. Wow, hmm, things are getting a kinda awkward in here. *Stammering* I, I guess I owe it to Clay Dwyer to read on.

Once a sweet lovable old lady, she has been bitten by and transformed into a Flesheater, turning her into a hungry creature with a knack for good ol' homestyle cooking. Due to Mom's insatiable appetite, Clay is reluctant to introduce her to his pregnant girlfriend. Okay, well, Mom already knows Clay's GF and the last time I checked eating homeless people didn't necessarily qualify as homestyle cooking, especially since Mom likes it, ahem, raw anyway. Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.

But family friction is far from Clay's major concern. Mom is on the loose, terrorizing the town, and sinking her teeth into groceries not found at the corner market. What is Clay to do? (Yes, it actually says this.) To everyone else she's a monster that must be destroyed but to him...she's still MOM. Aw, isn't that sweet? What would you do if your mommy was turned into a ravenous skin eater? We can ponder that one later. First....

Anyway, this sounds good, doesn't it? Sounds fairly interesting, kinda original, maybe. Sounds like it would be over the top in a campy good way. Well, folks, it ain't. In fact, it's a pretty big snooze and more about the degredation of the family, with maybe an attack at addiction thrown in, rather than an all out vampire movie. As Clay struggles to deal with his mother's mounting hunger, he develops a thirst for alcohol and codependency, loosing his job and his woman in the process. Now, I'm all for subtlety and subtext and what have you in my horror movies, even those ambitious ones that look like they were made for TV in 1990, but when your commentary is right there in my face I get a little offended. I mean, come on, I'm a recognized scholar here. Anystupidsocialcommentary, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Mom begins with a young lady down on her luck in the middle of the desert, swilling whiskey from a pint and wearing some pretty goddamn fabulous over-the-knee leopard boots. She sees a mysterious looking gent at the busstop, which mind you, is in the middle of freakin' nowhere, and it being Christmas Eve and all, she offers him a nip of her booze. He takes more than that, when he rips the fetus that's growing inside her straight outta her belly and feasts upon it. Sounds cool, right? It's all off camera.

Cut to Christmas morning, Emily Dwyer, our titular character, is decorating her home for the holiday. She sits down to watch her son, Clay, deliver the nightly news, and her daughter, Carla, who she hasn't seen in years, phones to tell inform Emily she won't be coming home from Christmas again this year. Em's disappointed, but the next thing you know, Clay and his charming thin-lipped artist girlfriend with very unflattering taste in clothing announce they are expecting their first child. Emily's thrilled, but ever old fashioned, wants to know when they're getting married. There's some conversation and then it's decided that Emily will rent out Clay's old room in the house.

The next day or sometime later (the Xmas decorations have been removed), a tall figure wearing sunglasses and wielding a blind man's cane appears at Emily's door inquiring about the room for rent. His name is Nester and he's the same weirdo from the opening sequence that killed and ate that fetus. Nester is weird as shit, to be sure, he's very tall, wears bolo ties, speaks in a gruff, monotone, almost Southern accent, and prefers to eat his meals out, or so he tells his good landlady. Hearing none of it, Emily prepares a pot roast and tries to force feed it to Nester. He does the only thing a self respecting ghoul could do when faced with such an obstacle - he bites Emily on the neck and turns her into flesh hungry ghoul. The word vampire is only mentioned once. Nester himself says, 'Vampire, werewolf, ghoul, it's all the same.' Cool with me, he's not gonna put up with labels. Very punk, Nester.

So after Em gets bitten, she feigns illness so Clay'll leave her alone, and her and Nester go out a'huntin'. Clay happens to be driving by the exact spot where he sees Nester and Emily exit a cab (Los Angeles being a really small town, mind), and decides to lurk and see what they're up to. He doesn't have to wait long, they quickly procure themselves a homeless man, and after buying him a cup of coffee at a restaurant, they lead him into an alley and eat his guts. Clay witnesses all this and vomits on a homeless woman, who in turn, laughs maniacally in his face.

Clay waits for them to finish their meal and then pulls up and orders Mom to get in the car. Nester they'll see at home. Clay, trying to come to terms with what he's just seen, freaks out and tells Emily he'll get her all the help she needs, doctors and hospitals, whatever. She tries to explain what has happened to her, but Clay's hearing none of it and they return to Emily's house to discuss the situation with Nester. And by discuss, I mean they burn Nester to ashes by lighting his hand on fire on stove and throwing a pot convienently labeled 'grease' on him.

Even with Nester out of the picture, bodies around the LA area keep piling up, all with the same apparent bite wounds and so forth. Clay figures the best he can do to protect the citizens of Los Angeles is to strap his Mom to her bed and lock and bar the doors and windows. But she's hungry as hell and jonesing for a fix, so Clay does what any good son would do and goes out and gets a hooker for Mama's supper.

The hooker is easily the campiest best part of this. She's totally downtown LA in the late 80's (think Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers or Brain Damage), and you've got it. Clay picks her up in a seedy bar and offers her twenty five bucks plus cab fare to go up to his mom's room and pretend she's Carla, the daughter Emily hasn't seen in years. Bev agrees and gets herself munched on in the process.

Clay's sanity is on the wane, as he's not sleeping trying to protect his mother, as well as the citizens of LA County, and it's only a matter of time before he looses both fancy reporter job and pregnant artist girlfriend. He's got nothing left to do but get drunk and return to vampire mom's house, to cry and drown his sorrows in more hooch. It's agonizing to watch really, not because it strikes a chord with me or anything, but just because it's so boring.

It all comes to a head when Mom decides the world is better off with out and she offs herself in a somehow flame-filled kitchen. Now, like I said, this coulda been cool. It is kinda neat to see an old lady covered in blood off herself in a very violent way, because we don't see that that often. But the whole movies just smacks of PG rated after school special, it's hard to get excited about anything going on. Just as there's about to be some grue, there's a cut away. And ya'll know I'm not a diehard gorehound, but this one was too tame. There's some nice practical makeup for when Mom's in vamp form, and a little blood thrown around here and there, but not enough to warrant any gross outs or anything.

This could have also been played for laughs, but it's somehow not funny at all. The camp value is completely absent. It's not nearly as gritty as it should be either. It totally misses its mark. Emily and Clay are too 'regular' acting, there's nothing interesting about either one of them. Alice either. And she's supposed to be the artist. And then there's the whole thing about Emily being so damn hungry, she'll eat anybody, but then there's never the desire to eat Clay. She almost even eats a girl scout. Even when the long lost Carla shows up, Emily has no qualms devouring her and placing her severed head in the garbage, but she shows special mercy for Clay. He's the favorite, I guess. There's always the favorite child.

It's such a shame that this whole mess just winds up loosing its focus. I think this actually could have been an uproarious good time. Instead, it winds up as this loose metaphor for addiction, family codependency, dementia, and even menopause. But like I mentioned, it's still kinda cool to see a kindly elderly old lady covered in gallons of blood and then burnt to a blood pulp. I'm just saying.

Yes, I've been drinking.

And apologies for the small pic - do have any idea how difficult it is to google image art for something called 'Mom?' Insanely.

Hideout in the Sun

Ah, the nudie cutie picture. You gotta call the nudie cutie a 'picture' as opposed to a movie because that's what movies were back in those days, pictures. It just sounds better that way. Hideout in the Sun (1960) is Cavalcade favorite Doris Wishman's first picture. For those Wishman-uninitiated, she's one of the most prolific female directors in history (female directors still being somewhat of an anomaly) and popularized nudist movies, as well as made roughies, horror movies, and all manner of sexploitation films in a career spanning almost four decades. Although some refer to her as the female Ed Wood, I love her, but I love Ed Wood too, so there.

You would think that a nudie cutie would necessarily have to have a plot. Well, this one is a bit smarter, I suppose, and it does - it concerns brothers Steve and Duke, two bank robbers, who have just hit a joint for a hundred grand. Duke, the ringleader of the pair and a bit Bela Lugosi looking, does the actual stealing, while Steve reluctantly drives the getaway car. After the heist (while this movie does take place in '60, Duke speaks likes he's strait outta of a 40's noir picture - it's all 'heist', 'double cross', 'dame', 'curtains' and he's the only one that talks like this), the brothers head to the marina to catch a boat to Cuba. Rodriguez, the boat captain, doesn't like the heat the recent robbery has brought (the brothers' deeds are all over the news), and decides not to disembark for Cuba yet, telling them to come back in a little while.

The brothers go to a shopping center and highjack Dorothy and her car as the lovely redhead is leaving a dress shop. Duke demands she take them to her destination where they can lie low until their boat can leave. Dorothy explains she's on the way to the Hibiscus Country Club, and Duke thinks this'll be the perfect spot to hide out. Upon arriving however, they realize the Hibiscus is a nudist camp, and Duke couldn't be more pissed, as is his way. He threatens Dorothy with violence and chain smokes and Steve decides When in Rome and joins the nekkid revelers in the pool, well, wearing a towel.

Steve's liking what he sees, and remarks how healthy and happy all the nudists look. And indeed they do. Nudists have a good time, man. They play volleyball, they swim in the pool and sunbathe, they drink ice cold Coca-Colas, they just relax. The nudist camp is a a pretty idyllic and easy going place, innocent as it were even despite the nudity, and Steve figures he could get used to this way of life, as well as life with Dorothy. I mean, he's already seen her naked.

But reality check time ensures Steve and Duke must head back off to their boat, which incidentally leaves without them. Duke hits Steve on the head and takes off with the money case, running straight into a Serpentarium (Lord, how I wish there were still such things as Serpentariums - basically a south Florida institution housing all manner of poisonous snakes and reptiles in pastel colored enclosures with a giant fiberglass snake out front - sounds like heaven, doesn't it?), and falling victim to a Cobra bite, which kills him instantly. Steve calls the cops and turns himself in, but not before returning to Hibiscus to tell Dorothy to wait for him, which she agrees to, and SCENE.

I was pleasantly surprised by the complexity of the plot. It's not super complex, don't get me wrong, but I was kinda surprised there was a plot at all. The nudie cutie was commerically viable because it was the only way back in the day you could go to the cinema and see boobs. Mind you, there was no full-frontal, all the nudists conceal their junk with beach balls, towels, flowers, all manner of props, because you couldn't just let your balls or your pubic hair hang all out. But breasts were cool and perverts would undoubtedly go see these flicks to see the boobies. Especially by today's standards, this movie seems as tame as it gets. It's all innocence and suntans and beach volleyball.

But seriously folks, how long can we really watch a bunch of naked people play volleyball and swim in the pool? Not very long. And as much as I loved this movie, the happy-go-lucky nudist parts often dragged. (But it's still a beautiful picture - the retro kitsch factor is unbelievable - something about that South Florida setting in the 60's.) Apparently, as times changed, however, the nudist movie died along with the fact that audiences wanted more hardcore and Wishman would be on hand over the next several decades to deliver. Can't say that I blame them.

This is an excellent starting point for budding Wishman fans, because it's a great slice of early exploitation cinema shot by a lady. And the vintage cheesecake shots are not to be missed. Think naked girlies romping and posing in fountains. It's as sexy as this gets, really. It seems this film was ultimately lost, until Wishman found a pristine copy in her storage room some forty years later. So now it's been given anamorphic treatment and looks fantastic. If you watch one nudie cutie picture this year, please let it be this one. Or you can watch Nude on the Moon, I don't care.