Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Oh my goodness, how long has it been? Decades? I hate it. I want to blog again and tell you all of the movies I've watched and how awfully wonderful and wonderfully awful they are. I want to regale you with the tales of my VHS collecting and the antics of my millions of cats. I sometimes get tattoos and I want to tell you all about that too. There's so much to catch up on! So many drinkin' stories and opinions on stuff and 'tis the season and all. I'm gonna catch up with you all, that's what I'm going to do. Let's do that Horror Movie Challenge thing we sometimes do in October and get me back to into my blog groove. What say you?
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Happy Fishmas!
Perverts! I miss you! I'm still watching movies and drinking and fucking shit up like I always do! I'm bartending my face off and still teaching school and hanging out as is my custom. I'm getting ready to have my Christmas horror movie marathon and I'm also headed out to Vail, Colorado for a week or so to see if I wanna move there. I don't know how the snow will fare with my six inch platform boots and my glitter and my furry leopard coat, but we'll see. It seems kinda crunchy for my punk rock taste, but whatever.
Life is okay and I'm up to eight cats now. Work continues to be work and movies continue to be movies. I'm looking forward to Cinema Wasteland in April as Bill from Radiation Scarred Reviews has booked a bunch of us a room. I'm stoked on meeting everyone in person and getting back in my blogging groove. Put on your tacky Christmas sweaters, pour some wine, and get those SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT VHS tapes poppin' Love you guys.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Jordan Krall's PENETRALIA
Hey perverts. Question. Or rather questions, plural. How much do you like mad science?How do we all feel about incest? Ever thought about a giraffe riding a bicycle? Plague doctors are pretty cool, no? Ever seen an Andy Milligan film?
If you think about this stuff like I do, and wanna have your mind BLOWN, you should DEFINITELY FUCKING READ JORDAN KRALL'S NEW BOOK, PENETRALIA. I did, and let's just say, I think it's my new favorite thing. APOCALYPSE DONKEY was one thing, and will always hold a special place in my heart forever and ever, but PENETRALIA rocked me like a hurricane.
It's the story of brother and sister Philip and Elizabeth, who have a very intimate relationship, in more ways than one, in that they are carrying on their father's 'work' and also have sex with one another, even though Philip is undoubtedly gay. And while I don't want to give way to too much plot, because I don't like doing that when I talk about Bizzaro, let's just say things get pretty messy, anachronistic, and trippy. All in a good way. All in a GREAT way.
Jordan has this way of just making me love his stuff. It's everything I love about the sleazy cinema, Lovecraft, horror in general, and, I might be wrong, and this is just my take, I got a little Alejandro Jodorowsky off this one. All good stuff.
Read this book. I'm always telling you guys to read more and you don't do it. Why? I'm going to give you all a spanking....
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tentacle Death Trip
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Hood Rat
Ok, so HOOD RAT (2002) only gets a star and a half on Netflix and it is terribly, excruciatingly difficult to get through. It's disjointed, cheap, makes no sense, and is terribly cliche and bordering on offensive, but that isn't to say it wasn't fun, fun, fun. While billed as a killer rat movie, HOOD RAT is a more character driven narrative about the residents of the Forest Tower projects in Atlanta. There's Max (Isaiah Washington), the homeless can collector turned pied piper (we'll get to that in second), Max's wheelchair-bound alcoholic brother, Courtney, building 'manager' and hustler pimp wannabe, Grady (played by a scenery chewing Ice T), Max's love interest, Nina, Nina's piece of shit boyfriend, an old couple ('we've lived in this building thirty-five years!'), a crazy one-eyed ex-solidier named Satan, and some various other assorted stereotypes and such populating this ghetto.
In the opening scene, a crack smoking exterminator who carries his chemicals and whatnot in a Crown Royal bag tied to his waste, a charming little detail to be sure, is completely devoured by a million CGI rats. The whole thing takes place in a warehouse nee banquet hall and once said exterminator is eaten, the cops haven't the slightest clue as to what happened. And this being the ghetto and everyone smoking crack, the police aren't too inclined to believe any killer rat stories, anyway.
Although the opening is hilariously over-the-top in trying to be as ghetto as possible ('who let the rats out?'is said at least twice), it doesn't set the tone for what's to come. What follows are some depressing scenes that take place every day in the projects - hustling for drugs, crack smoking, domestic violence, and the overall squalor of the conditions in which hundreds of people spend their daily lives. The movie is cheap, but these scenes are surprisingly effective. Max and Courtney elicit sympathy in their portrayal of the two brothers and the rest of the cast does a decent job, although I don't think many of the roles call for that much range. Still, it helps lend a decent bit of credibility.
After the setup, we meet slumlord Bernard, a Haitian-born capitalist who is sentenced by a judge to spend a month in Forest Tower so he can see how he allows his tenants to live. Bernard is a complete piece of shit, walking around with his cane and assistant carrying an umbrella as to not soil his tidy dreadlocks and expensive suit. He's pretty pissed the judge sent him to live here, but he's going to make the best of it by inhabiting the best apartment and installing up to the minute security around the building.
That's when the rats start showing up. You know. Those fuckers from the epic opening sequence. For real this time. Time to see everything through rat-o-vision.
After a series of events (they are all literally that boring and none of them good), Max frees a rat from a trap in an alley. He names the rat Tara and they become bonded. And by bonded, I mean he can now completely understand Tara and have her do his bidding. And by bidding I mean he can command all the rats in all the projects to kill those that deserve it at his discretion and in semi-creative ways. There's a magic stick involved and some maybe voodoo turn of events, but I might have made up the voodoo part because there IS NO OTHER WAY TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS.
As you can probably imagine, everyone that deserves comeuppance gets it (Grady, Bernard, Nina's BF, etc.) and we actually do sort of cheer Max on. He's clearly in his element, holding the rat, petting her fur, being all menacing and vindictive and shit. It's when the rats kill pretty Nina that Max goes completely off the fucking deep-end, a far cry from his calm and cool demeanor when he was in command of Tara and company. The whole thing ends in a big fiery mess, flames and shit and dead rats everywhere. There's even a hint at a sequel, although it's very very far-fetched. I think there might even be a HOOD RAT 2, but I don't care right now.
Let's recap. There's Ice T, rats that can do a homeless man's bidding, a drunk in a wheelchair, a guy that gets killed on the toilet when the rats come up through the sewer (sorry, didn't mention that one before), plenty o'crack smoking, a Haitian slumlord, rat-o-vision, stock footage, a tweaking exterminator with a Crown bag, and Ice T. I know I mentioned that several times, but seriously, he's like a ramped up version of every character he's ever been typecast as. It's hilarious.
It ain't no fucking Citizen Kane, but I don't really want Citizen Kane when I get off work at two in the morning, ya know?
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Me bid ju velcome
- Jenn
- Heavily tattooed old punk rocker and weird movie aficionado, as well as cat enthusiast, hair dye addict and drinker of copious amounts of wine. If I don't have my ass parked on the couch, watching something crazy from the seventies with a vino in hand, there is something wrong with the universe. I occasionally take a break from drinking and watching movies to grade papers and bring people food and pour them drinks, but normally, I'm happiest at home with my six fur children and a box of cheap cabernet. Crank up the Misfits loud, pick your poison, and join me!
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cavalcade.of.perversions [at] gmail [dot] com
cavalcade.of.perversions [at] gmail [dot] com
Perverts
Blather
- 00's
- 20's
- 30's
- 40's
- 50's
- 60's
- 70's
- 70s
- 80's
- 90's
- Abel Ferrara
- Alien Sandwich
- aliens
- Andy Milligan
- animals invading the human sphere
- bad horror movies
- baked goods
- basements
- bat weiners
- bats
- Bela Lugosi
- bigfoot
- books
- boring movies
- cake
- cannibal moms
- Carnival Fetish
- cat in a pumpkin suit
- Cats
- cavemen
- CGI sabre toof attacks
- CGI shark attacks
- chicken in a hockey mask
- chupacabras
- circus sideshows
- contest
- Conventions
- Crazy Fat Ethel
- daddy issues
- Danzig
- David Cronenberg
- David Friedman
- death by microwave
- death by pig
- death by power tool
- Divine
- don post
- Donald Pleasance
- Doris Wishman
- dwarves
- Dyanne Thorne
- Educational
- Emanuelle
- female killers
- first times
- fourth of july
- freaks
- frog cults
- full-grown man as a baby
- ghosts
- Halloween
- hallucinogens
- Hercules
- Holiday Horrors
- Hugo Stiglitz
- hurts so bad - feels so good
- Ice T
- imaginary friends
- insanity
- jack hill
- jean rollin
- Jess Franco
- John Hayes
- john saxon
- karloff
- killer rats
- killer worms
- Laura Gemser
- lesbian
- Lina Romay
- Linnea Quigley
- literature
- Loch Ness
- Lon Chaney
- LSD
- Lucio Fulci
- mad monks
- mad sexology
- Mario Bava
- martial arts
- mean-ass flying fish
- mental patients
- metal
- missing internal organs
- monsters
- Moochie
- motorcycle gangs
- movies which could have been improved with the appearance of Paul Naschy
- mummies
- murderous babies
- my (future) hangovers
- my hangovers
- nazi-elf connection
- Nazis
- non-horror movies
- Non-horror movies posing as horror movies
- Nunsploitation
- Oedipus Complex
- ogresses
- Old Dark House
- Pam Grier
- Paul Naschy
- psychics
- pumpkins
- Punk Rawk
- random updates
- rapey paws
- Ray Garton
- remakes
- Richard Moll
- roger corman
- Russian Folklore
- Satanic Hearses Back From the Dead
- savage steel
- SciFi Original
- sentient dwellings
- Sexploitation
- sexploition
- sexy shipwreckers
- sharks
- slasher
- snakes
- Soledad Miranda
- Spock beating up old ladies
- Sr.
- Svankmajer
- syfy
- tattoos
- thanksgiving
- The Bride of Frankenstein
- tom adkins
- tor johnson
- Troma
- turkey monster
- ubiquitous commas
- Universal Classics
- Vampira
- vampire
- vampires
- vamps
- vhs
- vincent price
- Vintage Sleaze
- wasp women
- werewolves
- werewolves on wheels
- witches
- Yeti
- Zombies