Friday, February 18, 2011

Reasons Why Waxwork is Great

1. It has a dwarf. While he's not quite as sinful as the Sinful Dwarf, he's still a creepy ass dwarf. And he reminds me a bit of Hans from FREAKs.

2. It has Miles O'Keefe. How much O'Keefe is in this movie? Miles O'Keefe. And he's a Dracula. The least sexy Dracula of all, yet still a Dracula.

3. It has the words 'steak tar tar' in it. What other horror movie do you know of that has a reference to steak tar tar? Please let me know.

4. It's like five movies in one. Dracula, Mummy, Zombie, Marquis de Sade (?), Werewolf, it's got it all. Soooooo goood.

5. It's eighties as hell. And it has the lead from GREMLINS, Zack whatever his name is.

6. There's an old dude in a wheelchair that loves all things occult and has been waiting for the day when the waxwork claims all it's victims so there can be an uprising of epic proportions that includes a butler and lots of flame-throwing devices so the world doesn't get taken over by history's most notorious villains, fictional or no!

7. It features a fucking wax museum. Remind me to tell you the story where I needed to pee when I was in Mexico and ended up in a creepy-as-fuck wax museum, complete with scenes straight out of this movie. Most unsettling.

8. Anthony Hickox directed this shit. Remember him from HELLRAISER III? (And WAXWORK 2 is on the TV in HR3 when he gets a phone call in the middle of the night). Also remember him because he's an important director and shit. I like that he has a beard. And casts himself in his own movies.

WAXWORK is great for a lot of reasons and I only touched on them here. Feel free to expound in the comments, dubiously.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Yeti Beer

Oh Yeti, I bet your Espresso Stout is delicious, however for 9.99 a bottle, I'm going to have to pass. My Gallo Cellars pino noir is more substantial in weight and volume and only costs 7.99.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

RIP Tura Satana

1938-2011. What can I say? In a little over a year, we've lost Paul Naschy and Jean Rollin, now Tura Satana. This is what sucks about being thirty-something and loving movies from the 60's and 70's. I get to eventually see all my favorite performers and directors shuffle off this mortal coil. But they leave behind an astounding legacy that can still be enjoyed for decades after their passing. Tura's death is no different.

I first fell in love with Tura in FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL! KILL! But really, who didn't? Guy, girl, whatever. Satana's Varla was an equal mix dangerous and sexy, wanton and crazed, and I loved every second I got to see her on screen. It's all in those tight black jeans, generous cleavage and devil-may-care attitude that made her the ultimate bitch goddess. Someone to be scared of, worshipped, and emulated. I could never be the woman Varla is - vindictive, bombastic, and wild - but damn, I wish I could be!

I love her in ASTRO ZOMBIES, as well. That pink dress, reclining on the sofa, cigarette holder in hand, the side eye glare! Still as evil and as sexy as ever. Tura became her characters because she WAS her characters. It is hard for me to separate Tura from Varla or Tura from Satana (ASTRO ZOMBIES) because it's just so damn authentic. You could just tell, not having read any bio or anything, Tura had one hell of a life! And my boring life would never even come close. Not that I would necessarily want to be shot by my ex-lover or have Harold Lloyd take nude photos of me, but as long as I can live vicariously through Tura, I would be okay.

Thank you, Tura, for being an amazing woman, cinematically and otherwise. May you rest in peace.