Merry Fishmas!

Merry Fishmas, perverts. We just ordered pizza and started drinking! Take a good look, Sam, because this is the most sober I am going to be for the next forty eight hours or so. We'll be cooking, eating, baking, and drinking long into the night tonight. Hopefully Krampus won't come and take us to Spain. I'd hate to leave the cats on Christmas.

Everyone have fun!!

Fourth of July Weekend

So last year, I posted about drinking vodka and watching Mill Creek box sets over Fourth of July weekend so this year, I"m gonna post about drinking wine and watching Jean Rollin vampire movies over Fourth of July weekend. I'm most of the way through a 1.5 of pino noir and have already fell asleep to Rollin's REQUIEM FOR A VAMPIRE twice, so the weekend is shaping up nicely. Holidays are so dumb, no one even realizes what the fuck they're celebrating anyway and it's just an excuse for the masses to act like more of idiots than that they are already. That, and traffic through my restaurant is slow, slow, slow. So have fun, drink one for me, and watch horror movie after horror movie. Like you don't do that shit already.

Happy Easter (Aka Zombie Jesus Day)

We have to decorate our dessert plates at work when people order peanut butter pie or other shit that wastes my time, so I figured I would have some fun with it today, being Zombie Jesus/Creepy Guys in Rabbit Suits Day Brunch. In case you can't tell, it's a happy bunny blowing his fucking brains out. Happy Easter to you all!

That being said, I could have gone to Greek Orthodox Easter (the BFF is Greek) and eaten some goat that they cooked in the ground, but I said to heck with that and came home for pino gris and paper grading. I was also going to get Sam an Easter basket but decided to wait until candy was seventy five percent off, even though he only wants Newport Lites and Guiness in that thing. Oh well. He might just have to wait.

Happy Valentines Day!

Nothing says I love you like a fold out cock and balls and some topiary.

Oh, and P.S. this is the text from the BFF who is currently on tour with his band Worn in Red, I received today: Thought of you 2x today, Francis. 1st, because the place we stayed @ last night had a huge pile of cut up fingernails on theyre [sic} entertainment center adn 2nd I'm drinking st. ides.

I don't even think this needs an explanation.

After Hours Shopping Mall Mayhem

Do you all have any idea the brutality that was the last forty-eight hours? Any clue? Try getting up with a hangover and bringing people fucking mimosas, coffee, and other crap until five in the evening three days in a row! Do it and see how you feel! If afterwards you feel like stuffing your face full of delicious cuban food and drinking until you pass out with cats all around you, you'll be justified. I mean, it's lucrative as all hell, but damn if I ain't tired of people's bullshit by about the ninth hour.

So despite all that and the boyfriend and I working opposite schedules in the same restaurant (which also sucks), I managed to make a list of my all time favorite after hours shopping mall mayhem moments. Because it's what I do when I've reached my threshold.

1. BLUE SUNSHINE. Yes, Jeff Leiberman will forever hold a place in my heart for directing long-time fave SQUIRM, and I even liked his newest effort, SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER, despite the horrible video game graphics, but BLUE SUNSHINE is a trippy, awesome 70's flick that I should review in it's entirety, but I'm just too tired right now. Fear the effects of residual LSD use, people! Your hair will fall out in patches and you'll terrorize people after the department store is closed! Heed this warning.

2. ELVES. I reviewed this movie here sometime ago and had a blast doing so. It's a great sorta-kinda Xmas themed Nazisploitation mixed with perhaps a Pagan meaning of Christmas with Grizzly Adams thrown into the mix. Still, it's from the 80's, so there's a mall! And it's every teen chick's dream sort of scenario (although not mine, because I was too busy listening to the Sex Pistols and The Ramones to care about the mall! Fo' sho'). The three chica protagonists invite their main squeezes to the mall where they work after hours for a little slap and tickle, but unbeknownst to them the Nazi Elf Third Reich is looking for the perfect specimen to impregnate, so a couple of bloody murders later, it's not so fun any more. Oh well. If I was locked in a mall after dark, I would sure as hell put on the trashiest lingerie I could find and make use of the cosmetics counter, Punk or no.

3. NIGHT OF THE COMET. Same as the aforementioned really, only this time it's the zombie Apocalypse. Lots of use of the cosmetics; good time is had by all.

4. CHOPPING MALL. Also sharing a connection with NIGHT OF THE COMET, in that it stars the adorable Kelli Maroney as well. In addition, it has the rapturous Barbara Crampton baring her boobies for all to see in a mall after hours party to end all mall after hours parties. When those SHORT CIRCUIT style security robots show up, not even a poor man's Peter Faulk (Dick Miller) can save us.

5. And of course, no post about a fucking mall would be complete without Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD. Predating all the aforementioned mall movies, with the excecption of BLUE SUNSHINE which came out in '76, DAWN OF THE DEAD will forever remain the quintessential mall horror movie. And I needn't go into further detail.

So there we have it. Any others you care to add? This is all I can deal with at the moment. Here, have a pic of Moochie in his new bandana dictating what we watch on TV:

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays from all of us - me, Moochie, Deniro (pictured above in her xmas finery), Tuna, October, and Bela - at the Cavalcade of Perversions! Looking forward to drinking myself silly, getting some awesome stuff, namely a big old pile of cash from the parent types, and firing up the old VCR for drunken movie watching late into this evening and the next. Hope ya'll perverts all have a good one! Love you!

Jenn's Essential Holiday Watchin'

Well, the holidays are hard pressed upon us, and this season I can be found scurrying around (read: I go to the wine store and find the least expensive bottles I can find to give out to family members) getting ready for what is probably the cheapest buildup since my last one night stand. Since I don't 'work' that much as is, I can't even boast a terrific vacation to make way for holiday madness, but if there's one thing I do (well?) is watch weird movies and talk about them here. Through my cold medicine and malbec-induced hazed, I bring you my essential holiday movie watch list:

1. Female Trouble, directed by John Waters. JW (as I like to call him) is the one of the main reasons I'm here bringing you perverts hours upon hours of entertainment (ha!). I've derived the name of ye old blog from one of his flicks and I deem him essential viewing any time of year. However, if you see my post prior to this one, you'll see the reason this makes the holiday list.

2. Gremlins. While not an outright Christmas movie, per say, it's still set at Christmas and is weird and wonderful enough for me to watch it every season. It's a kid's movie about monsters and I probably also wouldn't be where I am without a movie that inspired my love of monsters at such a young age. I'm feeling all warm and nostalgic now.

3. Silent Night, Deadly Night, all of them, up through that terrible one Brian Yuzna directed. I don't care, as a horror movie fan at the holidays, you drink tons of wine, get out your gift wrap, start wrapping those gifts, invite your ex over and get to havin' this marathon. End the night forgetting everything you saw except Linnea's boobs impaled on taxidermy and let the tears flow. Feel free to even roll around in the carpet with the VHS still rolling. Wake up the next day wondering if you asked your ex to get back together but don't even feel embarrassed.

4. Black Christmas, the Bob Clark version, of course. A great slasher if there ever was one and Margot Kidder is such a bitch! Not to mention death by crystal unicorn.

5. Santa's Slay. I don't watch pro-wrestling, but damn if I don't become a fan of pro-wrestler Goldberg over the course of this whacked-out tongue-in-cheek holiday horror romp. I show up for the Goldberg, I stick around for the outrageous puns, and I leave with a nice buzz due to lots o' practical violence and silly gore gags. This one's a good time.

Well, I think I'm going to call it a night for now. I've been battling a cold for days now and not feeling all that stellar. But hey, I'm still drinkin' and watchin.' Make sure you check out Elwood Jones' blog, The Depths of DVD Hell for the remainder of this month because he'll be running lots of stuff about what his favorite bloggers deem essential Christmas viewing. He was kind enough to ask me for my thoughts, and you got 'em!

PS. Moochie was not harmed in the pic above. He got in that box and ASKED that we cover him in bows. We could only comply. Ya'll don't understand how insistent he is.