Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Today as I prayed to the gods to take my hangover away (it's a particularly violent one, the result of an impromptu dance party, a gay birthday bash, and the consumption of a shot called a Statutory Rape), I watched SHROOMS. Because sometimes you just want to watch something stupid that you don't have to think too hard about because thinking hurts. Thinking really hurts right now. Everything really hurts right now.

It's your standard attractive college kids going into the woods for a weekend of partying but some shit hits the fan and people start dying movie. This one features deadly, eat 'em and you'll see into the future and possibly become evil hallucinogenic mushrooms.

It is no secret that I party. Before you fall out of your chair from the shock of hearing that news, let me tell you, I have never taken mushrooms. I've never dropped acid, either. And I've never wanted to. Something about my brain would probably make me freak out, so I never understood the whole mentality about tripping. It just seems dumb to me. That being said....

This complete dumbasses in this movie have traveled all the way from happy American college life to the middle of fucking nowhere Ireland to pick these crazy mushrooms to brew into a tea so they'll start to see shit. They have a friend that's native to the region and he helps them pick the mushrooms and warns them off of the one's with a black nipple because if you eat those, you'll go fucking crazy as a loon and start fucking everyone's shit up. And you might also become psychic. He also regales them with tales about a nearby abandoned home for screwed up youth where some bad shit went down years before and some people got their asses killed.

Their guide has failed to mention this to Tara, our final girl in the tale, and she eats one of the bad ones - just plucks it right off the floor as if she's compulsed to eat it. She has a seizure and then starts to have prophetic dreams about her friends dying. She also says the best line in the movie, 'I just overdosed on the heroin of mushrooms!' Who says stuff like that? I love it - but that's about all I love here.

There's also two weirdos that live in the forest and some thing about sticking your dick in car windows while there are two people fucking inside to get a blow job. And there's a guy with a sack on his head and another ghostly presence that may or may not be killing everyone. And a twist ending.

Why did I watch this? The characters are horrible people - the jock is just such an asshole - you can't wait for him to die. But the actor that plays him doesn't have the panache to pull off even this stock of a character. His girlfriend's alright, but not particularly memorable, either. The other hippy-ish couple hate the jock and his GF, which is weird, because why you make an international trip with people that you hate? I know I like to go on vacation with people I can't stand. Tara's the good girl, but particularly annoying for no reason at all just because. The ending was abrupt and it's attempt at a twist felt forced.

I hate when there is just absolutely nothing to love in a movie (save for that one piece of aforementioned dialogue). Sometimes it helps if I picture something sucky as a seventies Italian version it makes it better, but even that wouldn't help this shit fest. My brain hurts now. I'm going to watch cartoons.


  1. I have never been so disappointed before in my life. Well.. That may be a lie, but still. I was pretty disappointed. This was no where near as psycadelic or fun as it should have been, and was just a dry and stupid retreat.. Hella lame. Hella.

  2. This is called taking one for the team. Thank you.

  3. @Carl. What I didn't get is why any of these people were hanging out together at all. No one liked each other, even the members of the couples didn't seem like they cared to be in the relationship, they had no back stories. And while I know jack shit about mushrooms, if there was a place where drugs just grew freely, wouldn't there be tons of people all over that shit all the time? You would think the area wouldn't be so remote once someone caught on. Dumb.

    @Planet. Yeah, dude, I got you ;) I should party MORE just so I can watch MORE bad movies and freak out about them here. Yeah, like I need an excuse!

  4. I kinda liked it! I had no expectations at all for it and I liked the way some of the stuff was shot as well as the nice location. In all honesty though, I really do not remember much about the film except I thought a few of the girls were way hot and some of the stuff you brought up in your review sparked a memory or two. I also recall that I was kinda cocked when I watched it, so maybe that is why I enjoyed it?! On a side note, I would eat mushrooms with nipples on them fo sho!

  5. Suzaka - you know the whole nipple thing is weird - like the native guy starts talking about the different kinds of nipples on the mushrooms and no one jokes, cracks a smile, says anything that you would think someone would say. Like these are a bunch of college aged douche bags, you would think someone would say something about the strange placement of the word nipple. Yet nothing!

    The jock's GF is way hot, but I still don't get why he cuts off her hair when he's tripping. So many unanswered questions, SHROOMS! Why? Why any of this!?

    So you see, this is why I shy away from recent (like in the last two decades) genre output.

  6. Thanks for the warning! I'll avoid this bad trip.

    BTW, stay away from the drug "Blue Sunshine." That shit'll do weird things to ya. ;)

  7. peregrine fforbes-hamiltonJanuary 21, 2010 at 4:58 AM

    I thought Lindsey Haun was much more beautiful and desirable as a 10 year-old (in John Carpenters superb and ludicrously under-rated 1995 remake of "Village of the Damned") than she was as a 22 Year-old in this film.

  8. I liked the bit with the talking cow. I had been drinking though. And I'm sorry, I don't care if Jack Huston is indeed the nephew of the lovely, lovely Angelica Huston - that is NOT an Irish accent. Unless of course it's Victorian London chimney-sweep Irish.

  9. James: Jack Huston's attempt at a Cockney/Dublin/Dickens accent seals the deal. An international agreement is called for. English actors shall not, under any circumstances, attempt an American southern accent (per example see Jude Law and Kate Winslet in All The King's Men). Nor shall American's, regardless of heritage, be allowed to perform using an English or, in most instances far, far worse; an Irish accent. Zero tolorance. No exceptions.

    Jenn: Cool review. I did like the poster and tagline for this movie: "Get Ready to Get Wasted." OK, give me a sec. I’m ready. -- Mykal

  10. Jenn, for more hilarious comments go to "Soiled Sinema`s" reveiw of the 1975 version of "Rollerball", "the hamsters" been up to his old tricks again.

  11. Its true, thats one of the few things I noted in my review a while back:

    "An interesting concept with vast potential that has too many logical errors to be ignored. First, why would anyone fly all the way to Ireland just to do shrooms? Its less expensive to find someone here. Why did a group of 5 people that seemingly dont like each other take the trip together?"

    High five for having ESPN or something

  12. I saw it without a hangover or any alcohol and it was shite!

    I did do magic mushrooms when I was about 19, I ended up in hospital freaking out. I never touched "drugs" again but a friend of mine who enjoyed the mm trip is now a junkie who never leaves his house. So kids...JUST SAY NO!