Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Spy Who Came

I've got on my best dominatrix/spy outfit to relay to you the goings on in The Spy Who Came, complete with shiny black mod slip dress, over-the-knee, black leather stiletto boots, and fishnets, and I'll keep the riding crop handy. Just in case any of you get out of line. And I know how you are, you want to be punished. So you act up on purpose. You'll get the bullwhip for that, you will. I have ways of keeping you in line ;)

Detective Harry is overworked, crime is at an all time high, and he's been burning the midnight oil. On his way home to his lovely fiancee, he stops by the local watering hole for a drink and meets the sexy in a trashy, almost drugged addicted way Heidi. After pleasantries are exchanged - he gets her a whiskey sour and asks her twice where she's from, to which she replies, around - they go back round to hers. Some strategically spilt vodka and a ten minute sex scene later, and Byron (a eunuch in a pirate shirt), Otto (a white guy with an afro), and Tessie (a beautiful blond wearing my blogging outfit) spring out of the closet in Heidi's apartment to take Harry to their boss. I smell a set up!

Seems their boss, an Arab sheik, has some dirt on Harry. Said dirt being that Harry likes to frolick with prostitutes and Sheiky has the film footage to prove it. If Harry doesn't agree to help the sheik, he'll show the footage to Harry's woman. But why does the sheik need Harry? It's quite simple really - he needs a cop on his side to help him in his plan of extracting business secrets from wealthy entrepreneurs. How does he plan to extract these secrets? With the help of the perfect woman, of course!

Using tactics popularized (right word?) by white slavers, the Marquis de Sade, and Pavlov, our Sheik has kidnapped beautiful women, drugged them, and 'scientifically conditioned' them (!) to be the ultimate sex machines, thus seducing the good stuff out of these otherwise unseducable men. How does he scientifically condition them? A lot of questions today, eh? Remember, I'm the one with the crop. But I'll oblige you this time. And you'll thank me.

The sheik and his minions have this creating the perfect woman thing down to, you guessed it, a SCIENCE. They have produced a series of videos, and with the help of creepy mannequins, an omniscient narrator, and the afro-ed Otto, the girls are instructed in all manner of sex positions and how to 'startle the subject into pleasure' including a neat pivot maneuver and the reverse cowgirl. With 'constant continued simulation' and 'exercise' the girls are able to get pretty much anything they want from whoever the sheik wants them to get it from.

It's all very scientific and clinical, even with Otto leering and occasionally positioning the girls during their 'exercise.' But the exercises ain't all. There's more to the scientific-sex-to-extract national-secrets-conditioning than just practice making perfect. There's even more SCIENCE involved.

The gorgeous Tessie has created a 'conditioning unit' - kind of like shock therapy electric chair for the erogenous zones. It emits some sort of radiation to the brain and therefore stimulates the tissue in the nipples. While that's all fine and good, the genitals also get their fair treatment in the conditioning unit and makes it so anything that penetrates the girl after her time in conditioning will fit snugly into place. Tessie explains all of this in a crisp, terse British accent and also explains how the girls get really turned on during treatments, so much so that the next phase is necessary.

The next phase is sadistic Tessie's favorite part, in fact, like the conditioning unit, it's by her design. She prepares injections to keep the girl's complacent, to sap their wills, and make them easy to manage because they are normally so arouse. You wouldn't necessarily think this to look at any of these girls - most have a glazed over vacant look and actually act more like robots than anything. She further explains that conditioning involves punishment, the girls are similar to wild animals in their aroused state so when they receive their injections they must be shackled (nude with sexy black leather gauntlets in a dirty basement).

As Tessie's describing all this, poor Harry, horny as he normally is, can't take it. He tells her how she's wrong, it's wrong to control people. Tessie explains nonchalantly that everyone on Earth is controlled by something and then proceeds to beat a few girls with her riding crop. She approaches Eve and says 'You don't want pain, do you, Eve? You'd rather have pleasure? Close your eyes and pretend you're with your love.' Eve does as she's instructed and begins to masturbate fervently. She goes over to the eunuch, Byron, who's been watching the proceedings this whole time, and Tessie then starts rubbing her riding crop all over Eve, who's still wearing her gauntlets from being shackled. Wait for it. Wait for it. Then Tessie beats the shit out Eve and the girl returns to her automaton like state.

I hope you can take some more, like you've been conditioned to, because now it's Caroline's turn. Tessie explains that after their injections and beatings, it's going to be Harry's job to grade the women. So after Tessie undresses, leaving the boots on, thank goodness, Caroline is unshackled and forced to pleasure Tessie with her mouth. Tessie, reliquishing Caroline to Harry, and not being able to stand hetero sex, goes outside to have a conversation with the sheik.

Seems Tessie's fed up with the way he's been running things and the fact that he made her have a threesome with Harry and another woman earlier in the movie ('You'll start with a strip tease! It will condition you as a woman to have sex with a man.'), and has decided to hide his drugs (he's addicted to drugs) and make him service her out in the garden. 'Don't be shy, pink britches' she tells him as she strips him nude. But they don't get very far...

Suddenly, the cops are on the scene - seems earlier Harry made a deal with his Captain and a Arab man with a French accent who's been hot on the sheik's trail for awhile, to infiltrate the operation. With the French Arab cop in pursuit, Tessie takes off topless, still wearing the boots, through the woods. The conditioned girls get loose and run screaming after Tessie and then kill her in an empty swimming pool. The French Arab cop gets the files he was after and then, for some reason unbeknownst to me, gets into a wheelchair manned by a male nurse (in the middle of the woods), waves to Harry, and FIN.

If I had drawn the words sheik, evil lesbian dominatrix, scientific conditioning, eunuch, 60's, shock therapy, and spy caper out of a hat and then had to write a movie based on those things, I don't think I could have done any better than this. The sexy stuff is super sexy and the SCIENCE stuff is super science-y. But I can't help but wonder, would the sheik's plan have worked?

I'm impressed. You behaved rather well for that. I'll have to think of a way to reward you ;) For now, all you'll get is the crop.


  1. Wow.

    "Using tactics popularized (right word?) by white slavers, the Marquis de Sade, and Pavlov, our Sheik has kidnapped beautiful women, drugged them, and 'scientifically conditioned' them (!) to be the ultimate sex machines, thus seducing the good stuff out of these otherwise unseducable men."

    This sounds like a fascinating documentary. Was it on the History Channel?

  2. Yeah, if the History Channel was in my MIND!

    All night at work, I kept asking people if they'd like to engage in some light bondage. This thing had an affect on me. A SEXY effect!

  3. NY sexploitation from the '60s is like a sore just can't beat it! :D
    Plus, hottest mannequin sex ever.

    Jenn, one thing I really enjoy about your hyperbole, satisfyingly creative though it is, are the ones who actually buy into it (the probability, if not the reality). Dominatrix/spy outfit, LOL! I am picturing the scene in my head, and how funny/awkward it would be to actually type.
    Then again, I find the whole dominatrix scenario to be utterly hilarious on any occasion.

  4. And by "the ones" I meant "the readers."

  5. I have to disagree with Scandy's sore dick statement. It might be painful but you still CAN beat it. Where there's a will there's a way, my tangerine friend.

    Jenn, I think I would watch this movie just to see the scene where the dude gets in a wheelchair for no reason and waves to Harry. I seriously can't think of a better way to end a movie! Hey, have you seen a movie called Bat Pussy? I've only seen a trailer for it but you should check it out and review it.

  6. the sneering (homo-phobic) snobSeptember 6, 2009 at 10:44 AM

    I just want to see beautiful, gorgeous, sexy 18 year-old chicks being buggered 24 hours a day.

  7. @Scandy. Full disclosure. I worked as a dominatrix/bondage model once upon a time and it was quite hilarious. You would be surprised how much the sexy stewardess in bondage fantasy comes up.

    @Aaron. Every movie should end with the French Arab cop getting into a wheelchair even though he's perfectly mobile. And no, I haven't seen Bat Pussy. Apparently I should?

    @s(hp)s. Sadly, sir, you are in the wrong place.

  8. FYI: BATPUSSY is the greatest hunk of celluloid hilarity to come out of the south since Florida. The XXX film with nary an X in sight. In the last 7 years I've seen it over a dozen times and virtually pissed all over myself at least a dozen times without fail. It's nice to know you can still count on some things to never fail.
    This is not a recommendation, just chiming in on a SWV-related subject.

  9. OMG, I just watched the trailer for BAT PUSSY and I'm ordering it right now! With dialogue like 'my horoscope says I'm gonna fuck you in the nose' how can I resist. Answer: I can't!